Perhaps she is just relieved to be done with court and that's why she's happy. I'm certain she's not happy with her child living with another woman. You seem to WANT her to be suffering...why is that?

I think you need to talk with someone and get this off of your chest and, hopefully, get some insight into what is making you obsess over the ex so much.

or at least a majority of our BMs are. There could be many possibilities to your question... like you said, she might be faking it. My BM fakes BIG time. She puts up a good front, convincing everyone that she's the greastest mom in the world and the nicest person you'll ever meet... but in reality, she's not. She doesn't discipline her child. She lets Blabb do whatever she wants. And she's not nice. At all. But she's so damn good at faking it that when I tell people what the real BM is like, they give me a weird look and say, "BM? NOooooo! She would NEVER do that!"

Or your BM could really be okay with where her life is.

Who really knows?

And you know what, you may NEVER know. These women are unpredictable and hard to understand. I have a very difficult time understanding why BM is the way she is... why she does the things she does... but after putting so much energy into asking yourself these questions, you realize... Why should I care? Why should I put so much energy into trying to understand a woman that means nothing to me?

It may take some time for you for this whole thing to blow over, but you'll realize sooner or later that you shouldn't care. You have a wonderful DH that you love... you have a good relationship with SS... and that's all that matters. Who cares about BM?

Just focus your energy on the ones you love rather than the people you don't care about.

.

I want BM to suffer as she's made us suffer for so long. I too have an irresponsible BM to deal with. She's been a druggie, though I think she's clean now and we have custody. She has EOW and Thursdays.

I think I'm still on edge from the custody BS. Visitation just got ironed out the kids came to be with us at the end of October, so it's still fairly new.

I think, I'll always wait for her to go back to her old ways, then we have to worry about the skids even visiting her.

I just have this urge to beat her figuratively and literally. I don't think she'll ever realize significant consequences for her behavior. Sh*t just does not seem to stick with this woman. So I'm a little obsessed. I want to overanalyze everything about her, every little snippet. Part of it is to try and detect if she's using again and part of it was from not being able to winddown from the custody trial. I've had nearly four months and it is getting better. Luckily, I don't have to come in contact with her hardly at all, but I'm still curious. I want her life to be effed up because of all of the terrible things she's done and gotten away with. I don't want her happy because of all the misery she's brought to everyone she's ever even remotely come in contact with, including her children.

And I realize that is something I definately need to work on with myself. I think I'm letting go of that feeling a little bit at a time, but I'm also afraid to let my guard down with her. I don't feel she's making me crazy though. That happened for the first month or so after court. It's getting better.

cause I use to be the same. I think we get so obsessed with BM's because even though we can't stand it to a point they have control over our lives, they have more of a say in our skids life than us step parents do even if they don't live with her and we are the primary care taker.
I hate it when BF says nice things (very rarely though) about her as well. I guess that's just a form of jealously that we need to control.

I know it's hard but try to stop talking about her to your DH, cause at the end of the day it's only upsetting you and just think of how much satisfaction she would feel knowing that you think and talk about her so much.

It also shouldn't matter weather she is faking her happiness or not, the way I look at it is if she is happy she usually leaves us alone, so just enjoy the peace.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.. Crazy? I don't think so. I think that is a normal reaction when things are going smoothly. As for giving her compliment to dh - just don't do it. He don't care. He only cares about you. Remember that!!!

I wish I could wave a magic wand so that you understand that you are the one holding all the cards. Honey she is left out in back 40!!! Reasons for weight loss?? Mmmm crack? Antidepressant? Stimulants? Who knows...just step lightly, and take care of your business.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Okay, so I'm apparently not alone and you aren't either. I'm trying to cope with my obsessiveness over the BM. That's why I refer to her as a Socio! Manipulative, abusive, and sociopathic.

I'm really glad that you all posted different perspectives on how to deal with BM. That's what's so hard. I like the part of knowing that my H is here with me and I guess we're dealing with the same BS. I also feel paranoid of her like everything she does is just to ruin our lives.

I hope that you find your own way to deal with things b/c I will say I need to find mine soon! If you have any secrets PLEASE let me know!! Wish you luck on your journey to sanity, we all need it.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

You've got half the solution! Recognizing the problem, and seeing it for what it really is, is half of solving it.

Perhaps you could find a new passion for yourself that will occupy the spaces where BM seems to be in your mind. To be honest, I barely give H's ex a thought-except I have to think of her once a month so I can mail off a check. Heck, my ex doesn't even creep into my mind much...because I'm so focused on school, I guess. It's also taken the edge off of alot of my emotions dealing with H & SD17, simply because I am too involved in what I'm doing to give it much attention.

sure, we'd all like our H's ex to be the ugliest, fattest, disgusting woman on planet earth, but they're usually just women (often with problems, but still just women).

I would love to see you get over her a bit; you sound like you're so happy, except for the obession with the BM. I still think something you have a passion for, whether it be taking a class, reading, writing, running, jogging, yoga, whatever, would help kick that woman out of your head!

time helps too.

on something positive. Or write your feelings down (keep a journal with you at all times if it helps)
I think you are trying to do the right thing by trying to see the BM in a positive light, but I think it is too early for that.
your emotions are still to raw maybe
..just because she is smiling when you see her, she could be laying awake at night miserable.
I will share a story, when I divorced my ex, he started dating a very young woman right away, I wont lie it bothered me and I was sad and angry and all those different emotions and I would think how it sucked that he made my life so horrible how can he be so happy. well I found out that his GF now wife, was very controlling, that if ex stayed out too long she would call him bitching..my friend (her husband is BFF with my ex) said on more than one occasion ex husband would be cussing up a storm about her.
those thoughts helped me sleep at night.
I hope this helps a little, you are human, you have feelings, like BW said you recognize it now you can work on it.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Try to focus on something to take your mind off of BM. This is what I've been trying to do. And I know it's not always easy. (Especially when you feel like you can't get anywhere with anything - like I complained about in my last blog. This is when a hobby would come in handy!)

I, too, have fallen into patterns of "obsessing" (if that's what you want to call it) about what BM is going to pull next. It is that whole "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling of dread. I know it well. I've wasted so much of my time thinking about it, worrying about it, talking about it, writing about it, etc. And you know what? Usually that feeling of dread is there for a reason! BM is usually up to something, plotting ways to make our lives more difficult. So it's not like that feeling is unfounded. But letting it take over, like many of us do, is not the way to deal with it. It's not healthy.

As far as getting upset with your husband for saying something nice about BM...I get where you're coming from. Though what you wrote that he said about her doesn't exactly sound like a nice complement! It sounds more like he was trying to be funny about the whole thing. I still get irritated on those rare occasions that my husband says something even the teensiest bit positive about BM. Right away I take it as him defending her or something. But then I think about one of my ex-boyfriends in particular. This guy wasted 2 years of my life, dragged me through emotional hell, treated me like crap...and yet I can still remember one or two positive things to say about him (not that I would!). So I try to rationalize it that way.

You have to find some way to get past this. She's not worth your time & energy!

Maybe you feel insecure in your relationship with your DH? Are you afraid he wants to go back to her or something? Just some questions to think about. There could be many reasons you obsess over her, like you're resentful she is involved in your guys' lives, you wish she didn't have kids with your husband, you're afraid if she's happy and doing well your husband will want to go back to his "first family"? These things are hard to admit, even to yourself, but they may be some deep down fears you have. My DH never says anything good about BM, but he never says anything bad about her, or anyone for that matter. He only has a couple times in the 4 years I've been with him, and boy when he did, it secretly made me happy. Because I can't stand her or what she's done and am resentful that I have her in my life (although it is very limited thankfully) but I know in the back of my mind that if she hadn't lied about DH being SS's father, I would never have to see her, hear about her or know anything about her. And I would obviously prefer that life. So I resent her tremendously...but at the same time I try to tell myself that if she HADN'T done those things, who know where life would've taken my DH and maybe I would've never even met him? So it is what it is. I don't obsess over her, because I know my DH has no feelings for her, never wanted to marry her even though she was pregnant with supposedly his kid...he felt like he was supposed to. She never got a proposal, or a wedding, or a ring, or a honeymoon, or a house, or so many other things that I DID get. In many ways I am his first real wife and I am the mother of his only bio child...my point is, try to focus on what is good, or even better, about YOUR relationship with your DH than what hers was. Realize they are split for a reason, or many, and he has chosen to be with you...focus on making yourself happy...because women truely are the most beautiful when they are happy people!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"