Am i being selfish to my son
I have not seen my ex husband in almost 4 years because he lives in a different province but he does call my son and talks to him alot which is good.Here is my problem my son wants to move with him for 1 year because he misses his dad badly he did go and see him for 2 weeks in the summer.My ex seems to have gotten his life together has got a house and has a girlfriend whom seems to show intrest in my son which is important.My dilemma is i would not see my son at least until summer when he can come and visit me.I know that a boy needs his father and it would break my heart to say no to him because he really wants to go but it would also break my heart to see him go because he has been with me this whole time.When he went for 2 weeks before i cried for days.Am i being selfish to say no to him because he loves his dad so much.I want to do whats best for him and not whats best for me.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Ok there are a few questions..
1st.. How old is your son?
If he is over the age of 13 I would say let him. But I looked at your information and you are 29 so I am thinking he is not.. I could be wrong.. Anyways.. I would say that while he misses his father which is understood, he may be to young to make this decision.. And you could loose him forever.. I would talk to his dad and explain to him that at this time you feel its in the best interest for your son to stay in his enviroment. Talk about longer vacationing periods with dad. Summer and X-mas holiday 1 week. A father is important to a son.. totally agree but at the same time so are you if he is young. I would talk to his dad and try to come up with a different solution first.. You are not being selfish.. The big picture is a lot bigger then just being selfish. Schools, is his father stable now? Do you know his GF at all talked on the phone stuff like that? There are a lot of things it sounds like you are unsure of.. You are not being selfish.. You are a mom trying to protect your son. Period... You love him.. You are being a good mom I feel..
My son is....
My son just turned 11 and he has been my life ever since.I am scared because my son would be very upset and hurt if i said no to him it would bring him down in a big way and he would develop anger towards me i dont want this and it would hurt me greatly.His dad lives right beside a school he would attend and my exes girlfriend seems very nice she has talked to my son sometimes for like an hour if he phoned and his dad is at work.My ex has changed from what he was before and everything seems good on his end i just need to know that this will be a good healthy thing for my son.
Well you are in a pretty
big icky yucky mess..
Ok let me think about it a different way..
You know what.. I think I just had a break thru, although I would be devastated as well. Because I have a 7 year old who I just have a feeling that he will come to me with the same request.. As he loves me and his dad.. I would have to let him go due to the fact that we are both his parents.. I can see your dilema and I too would hate to be there but I would have to say let him go. He is 11 and he may not like it.. I think what worries you most and is making you so upset is that your son may never return to your house.. That he may like it better at his dad's.. Which is so understandable.. I would feel the same way and the heart ache would be hard but I think this is really up to your son.. If you really do nto want him to go find out the legal age in which he could decide where he wants to be? But I think like you said if you say no he will be very angry at you.. and you don't want that.. I think you and your ex should really talk about it first.. See what he says..
I wish you luck... Let me know what you decide..
** I know I will be in your shoes one day too**
Eleven...
My son is eight and I know that I'd not let him go at this age. I'd certainly take his feelings into consideration, but it would be solely my decision. My stepson, on the other hand, is eleven and I could definitely see him having serious input in that decision. I think you have to weigh your son's maturity, as in whether or not he is mature enough to understand that he can't change his mind a week or two weeks after the move. If dad is a great dad, responsible and all that, if you feel comfortable with him as a single parent raising your son, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I am a big fan of the TRIAL RUN. That's usually my advice for everything... give it a try, see how it works, then make the decision. More/longer visits with at dad first, then maybe next year talk about moving in. Maybe have him live with dad all through the summer. I'd also make sure you have a good relationship with dad and his girlfriend, too, because that will go a long way towards easing your mind if he does go. You will miss him dreadfully and it will feel, at times, as if your soul is being sucked out of your body, but if the decision is made that he moves in with dad and you feel that it's in your son's best interest, then you'll eventually find a way to be okay with it. You'll never stop missing him, but you will find other ways to fill your time.
~ Anne ~
Purdy
I think that it is very important for boys that age to have a positive role model. He is headed to puberty and probably wants to bond with his father. He must have had a good experience for those two weeks or he wouldn't want to go to live with him for a whole year.
You're right, if you say no he is going to resent you and he may start having other problems too.
It is a hard decision to make, I'm sure, but I think he should be able to go.
Dawn
You are all right
This is a very hard decision to make but i think that he needs his dad for reasons like he is getting older and puberty and all those fun things a boy goes through growing up and even though my husband now tries his best to be there for him my son might look at it in a way of being more comfortable with his own dad through these times.I just have to make sure that i am doing the right thing for my son and not being selfish on my part mind you i will be so heartbroken when he leaves and will be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.I have spoke to his dad and told him that if i came to this decision i will probably pester and call all the time and he said that would be ok and his girlfriend is a very nice person and seems very understanding as well.I have always been the one in my sons life and i am scared to miss out on things like his first date and things like that i am already crying just thinking about it.I love my son more than anything in this world and just want to protect and make the right choice.I am going to let him go because i have been racking my brain constantly and you have all made me see things in a different prespective but i will tell my son that he must come back here for the next year and that way he will have the best of both worlds.I think my son will come back after the year because i have been the one there for his every part of his life and he is mature to know this and i also talked to him and we have a thing we do to swear to eachother that we will always be close i call it the pinky swear where we wrap our pinky fingers together it sounds silly but it is a sacred thing to us.
Purdy...
You sound like an AWSOME MOM!!! You are putting your son’s needs above your own and doing what you believe is best for him even though it may cause you pain….that is the type of mother I PRAY I am some day!
Make a GREAT Day!
You have the right attitude!
That's great and you definitely have the right attitude. It'll be hard, but anything hard we have to do for our kids is worth it. He will thank you for it someday, instead of resenting you for not allowing it. It kills me when my boy (he's
goes to visit with his grandparents for a week or so. He always asks me to make sure I call him every night before he goes to bed, which might seem like overkill, but you understand how it is when you're that close. He will be fine, it will be an adventure for him and maybe even an adventure for you. You will both grow from it and guess what? You get to facilitate the relationship between your son and his father at a very important age for your son and in a time when so many noncustodial fathers in our society are cut out entirely after the divorce is final. And by giving the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and trusting her with your son, you could be setting the stage for a seamless transition for your son should she marry your ex-husband someday.
Think of it this way... it is really big of you to do this for your child and for his father. It's great that you have a trusting enough relationship with his dad and that you are on good terms with the girlfriend. It sounds like every adult in this situation is acting like an adult and that's something we can all learn a lesson from. We should all be taking notes from the example you all are setting. Just think of the message that this kind of teamwork is sending to your son, that one of his parents isn't going to try to "steal" from him the love his other parent wants to give him. It would be so nice if all bio moms could share your attitude.
~ Anne ~