Well, last Friday we talked long and hard, I told him I was unhappy in the relatinoship...pretty much broke up with him. Told him i couldn't be with someone who refuses to get his life together and that he's in this relationship with one foot in one foot out-waiting for me to make a move on that.

THere were tears, sadness...I'll tell you this-I felt LOST without him-this coming from someone used to being on her own.
Nothing was on bad terms -so we still talked to say hi on Sat (bad), Sunday we saw eachotherh for an hr (bad idea). BUT we were both miserable w/out eachother-it just felt hopeless, wrong, like it was a mistake to NOT be together.

By monday we had made up lol. In the course of this I had a nice talk with my SIL on MOnday. And believe me she can't stand the skid either. BUt she could relate to how HE Must be feeling AND her.

She asked me if when sd was at my house if I had any special spot/place for her w/some things for her (magazines, nail polish, etc). I said no. She said I think she feels like a visitor and intruder, always having to fight for her space and place in the house...then you disengage, bf feels rejected and hurt. You're wanting him to 'shit or get off the pot' with you and make a life with you and him be a daily figure in your sons life but you have chosen to not have anything to do with his kid. Think about it-even if he 'accepts it' that will make it likely he won't commit to you either-he probably feels hurt.

It hit home, it really really did, I felt hypocritical. Why did I stop trying? Oh that's right her behavior.

The difference between some of the sd's here and mine though-she DOES love me and my boys AND her dad. She has been generous in bringing us gifts and hugs when here when she's in her 'good moods' and with affection and looking for my attention and approval. My disengaging has made things worst for our relationship (her and I and consequently him and I)-she has a disengaged mother for crying out loud.

We talked and talked-he said he would love to marry me and wants his life with me...but he feels he needs to get to the point of loving my children before he can do this-right now they are bonded, they get along, he cares about them-he strongly feels he has to love them to be fully committed to ALL of us. He brought up my oldest disrespect again (and he's right).

Not just love me...he realizes he wont' love them as his own ever and that's understandable- but he shoudl love them and feel a very strong bond for him to commite to us and for us to work when we do marry. I tried to show a different side, he won't agree...and deep down I think I know he's right.-our BEST chance will be if there is love between ALL of us, NOT just him and I.

I told him I realized my mistakes with SD that I disengaged and how that must hurt him. He said, you know babe, I feel like you hate and can't stand and reject half of my life and who I am, it hurts...I don't give up on trying to grow my relationship w/your kids even if you DO give up on her, but it seems unfair yes.

I actually agree. I'm willing to give it another try-I told him I'll keep trying to bond and be more open and loving, however if it gets out of hand I will have to pull back. He agreed and agreed we can implement rules quickly.

So-as expected she was w/him this week as she's out of school-they came over yesterday-she came bearing gifts for the boys and me, and even for my mom. LIttle stuff but shows heart.

We talked about the boy she likes (that i dont' lol) -she gave me a few hugs-she shared all the stuff she got while out of town visiting family.

When at one point she sat on dad-dad asked her nicely to move to another chair-she did...and it didn't make me cringe to see her have some time w/her dad-something happened a few weeks ago though-my heart has softened...a situation I heard about made me feel so defensive of her that I realized damn I DO care.

I don't want to be polyanna or naive hopeful but I WILL try again, and I WILL try to bond. I DO believe that despite any PAS-she DOES care about us a lot and constantly tries to bond and be a part of our family unlike other cases on the board where sd just hates smom.

She's not like that with me, never has been-she defies my rules and place, yes but she also is starving for affection and time of a mother figure in her life-and probably has felt my rejection lately. It's time for me to change that.

I may come here for support and look but I will also have to keep a safer distance, as being here sometimes feeds my negativity and willingness to look things from OUR perspective and base it on OUR children and OUR relationship instead of 'standard step-hell' lol. I have many friends here I love-

And maybe i'll fall flat on my face, I'm SURE I will let you know lol...but for now my heart is telling me I need to do better by all of us, and her, and I know that will directly relate to his willingess to further his relationship w/my sons and eventually us both together commit to life once these pieces fall into place.

This is what we want, we WANT our lives together-we need to do more to get there since it's NOT just us.