"Mini Wife" & LAT Relationship
I heard this term for the first time this week. I Google'd it and realized I was living it. Such a relief to know that everything I witnessed between SO and SD22 is an actual syndrome and I'm not crazy. The question now is what to do about it. My solution? Not a damn thing. SO and SD have had a close relationship since she was born and this will never change. If I try to force change, I'll be the monster. It's a fight I'll never win - I've tried - so I'm going to stay in peace by not picking it.
The good news is that SO and I don't live together. We've been on and off for 3 years and only recently started seeing each other again after a long split. During the split, I bought an old house to renovate that will keep me busy for years so there's no chance of me moving closer to him (we live over an hour apart) and I'm certain he'll never want to move in with me because he doesn't like the area I live in. What this means is that I will be the Queen of my own castle and the one who makes the rules about who lives in it. If we move in together, the door will always be open for SD to live with us, which is a hard deal breaker so I can never let that happen. A LAT relationship (Living Apart Together) is naturally forming and I'm loving it because I don't have to deal with the drama that ensues from SD whenever I step through her door or watch the weirdness since I'm disengaged.
SMs, here's our harsh reality - there's no such thing as the perfect man. I'm 52 and have dated a lot. The odds of me finding a man that, A) I love, B) doesn't have children, or C) has children that aren't jealous of me or feel threatened by me are low. I would know. I've looked for this elusive man for a long time. I made a genuine attempt to bond and blend with his kids just to have my heart broken from the rejection. SO is the only man I can't walk away from despite his many - and I mean many - flaws. (I don't claim to be perfect. I've got plenty of flaws too.) I hate it that SD is such a narcissitic manipulator and rejected my attempts to bond. I hate it even more that SO is so blind and naive to her behavior. But he can live with the consequences of his flaws by having to divide his time between us until he's ready to wake up and do something about it, which will probably be never. I'll be making a home for myself where I'm perfectly content to live alone, which is exactly what I've been doing for over 20 years.
This is how I feel today. I'll let you know if I feel differently tomorrow. After all, being a SM is a complex and confusing situation that causes many conflicting emotions as we try to navigate an emotionally charged situation for which we will always be in the wrong even when we're right.
Well, if it works for you,
Well, if it works for you, that's what matters!
I do think you can find men who are decent parents out there, though.
As most of you know,
DH and I have only ever been married to each other. SS41 is biologically DH's nephew. Largely because of the stories I read on here (esp. about ppl's bitchy adult SDs), I think if something were to happen to DH before me I would go and fufill my childhood dream of being a nun. Provided they could "station" me in FL so I could still live nearby my adult kids and still be a car trip away from SS. And I am NOT kidding lol!
Wise
You are very wise - and smart. Society seems to place unrealistic expectations on women. And we buy it. For instance, the notion that a woman is not complete unless they are married. So we marry some fool and sometimes many. many years down the road, realize we would be much happier by ourselves.
I am glad that this works for
I am glad that this works for you and your relationship.
To me, making a life together is the goal of an adult partner relationship and not being all in would negate the relationship.
Not how I would do it. I want to navigate each day at my wife's side. We want to make that life together, see the world together, engage with our friends and family together, wake each morning side by side and close our eyes together each night side by side.
I suppose we are fortunate that our commitment included raising my SS together and did not necessitate that we have separate homes on a regular basis. We had several extended periods over the years where work kept us apart for months at a time but that was not what we ever wanted and we rectified those situations as quickly as we could.
Just how we do it. No less viable than your model. Just different.
Enjoy your historic castle.
I hear you
This is what I wanted for SO and me at first also, but the mini-wife syndrome is blocking our path. There's no use demanding change. He doesn't see it. He will have to come around to the idea on his own that SD22 is filling spaces in his life where only I belong because I'd rather live LAT than compete with SD22. She will never be above me on the family org chart or even on the same level so until he wakes up I'm going to live alone and at peace. Living with her is my idea of hell. Not gonna do it.
Why are you insistent on
Why are you insistent on postponing a true equity life partnership for the remote possibility of a partnership with a marginal man who does not recognize you as his true equity life partner? There are plenty of men of quality out there who would not require this travesty of manipulation, your acceptance of crazines and who would make you and the relationship their priority over all else.
You have to value yourself even if he refuses to value you.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
I just don't think I could
I just don't think I could allow mini-wife syndrome to interfere with me having a life partner. A few people on the boards said that men's comfort is the most important thing to them and that weak SO/DH and manipulative demanding adult kids and/or BM equals stephell. Someone also said these men will string a woman along as long as they can when they know they have a mini-wife dynamic going on and don't plan on changing. I am glad I found this board because it has been extremely helpful. I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who I no longer viewed as being a man because of this dynamic.When my ex tried to come back into my life I realized "in his eyes" he still really wanted to be with me but had done nothing to fix that situation. I also found out he was enabling his other adult kids and still trying to "purchase love." He really thought he was winning me over though. So when the same issues came up with his adult kids, and I realized nothing had changed in the way he handled it, I called him out on it. This board and others taught me that the adult kids can be horrific but the problem really was caused by my ex. So not only did I call him out on their crap, I called him out on his too. Somehow they all became victims. That was enough for me to see that change had not occurred and was unlikely to occur without professional help. I decided to focus more on myself and my loved ones, and walk away from that situation as it stands. Something about seeing my ex go into victim mode was so unappealing to me.
Good for you!
Steptalk is helping me see things more clearly, too. A few things have changed around here and I'm getting more vocal.
So jealous
I wish I was in a LAT relationship. I would love to be queen of my own kingdom again. I actually suggested this type relationship to DH years ago but he wouldn't go for it. Of course not because then he wouldn't have been able to pawn his spawn off on me.
Even now that most of the spawn are raised, I would like to live apart. It may happen soon. I am eyeing property out of state and DH refuses to move before YSS is launched. No one ever said I had to stay until then.....
LAT isn't common place
Most folks don't think about it as a viable option, but for now its working because it frees me from the drama and allows us to enjoy each other without her mouth. I guess some would say I'm avoiding the issues but I really haven't. I've been very clear with SO that there can only be one woman of the house and that's me.
Id love to hear more
About your old house renovations.
I went back and read your very well-written SM prose. So you state that you have really super tried at getting a life away from your sort-of-SO, and that everyone out "there" has kids and is damaged somehow, at least in your age range. Im 52. But feel that if things did not work out with DH, there is still hope. Or I could be happily alone. But having him in your life even parttime time will edge out anyone that you could potentially build a life with, together, rather than separately.
I get that you are in a good-for-you place, but that could change as the skids age up (not out) and you are still plugging away at this LAT relationship. And have invested even more time in this.
It is quite wonderful that you are happily ensconced in your own home and living a fabulous life and doing well for yourself financially. I guess just play it by ear and really think about the partner you would like to have in your life full-time. Just remember that while your Apart relationship is taking your remaining time and attention, that leaves very little for the Right Relationship...but everyone has their own Right Relationship.
Love to hear more!
I've thought all these things too
I've weighed it all out. SO and I just recently started seeing each other again so we could make it or break it at any minute. I'm back on ST because the idea of re-integrating with the mini-wife is causing me a lot of anxiety and it helps to talk to other people having the same issues. No one wants to be where they aren't wanted. If he approaches me about getting back together, we will negotiate a new relationship based on new understandings and expectations. Until we come to terms, we live LAT. I wasn't approaching our relationship like this in the past because I wanted a traditional marriage like most people do, but life is messy . . . and complicated . . . and full of disappointments . . . and full of hard decisions and compromises. I keep telling myself we'll ride this train until it stops and then we'll get off. I'm living one day at a time right now.
My house is a 1900 Craftsman in a historic district with most of its original features. I'm renovating it top to bottom, inside and out, to include foundation leveling, all new plumbing and wiring, restored original double hung windows, and the list goes on. A general contractor is doing the heavy lifting of course but I'm doing the cosmetic so I've got my work cut out for me. This has been my dream for a long time and is something in my life that's just for me. I bought it when SO and I were split. He doesn't like to do this sort of thing so I've got plenty to occupy my mind and hands while he's deciding if he wants to divorce the mini-wife.
WOW!!!!
Sounds dreamy!
We closed on our house that were were renting, nOctober.
I THOUGHT DH was going to want to do things himself, but turns out he prefers paying someone else to do the hard stuff, and he does the other stuff. Which isnt bad. He painted our 1961 tract home a nice color called skin" lol. And we hired someone to do the trim which had rotted out and had some things that were weird. He also painted the ugly vinyl garage door. FAux wood is our friend.
Have fun! Its gong to feel great when you finish and can sit on the porch sipping your iced beverage...surveying your Queendome.
Good for you!
Your ability to recognize that this is how to conduct this relationship, and your ability to conduct it this way--that is, your mental strength and your financial ability--are things that I wish all women could have.
Carry on with your bad self.
I found a Unicorn...this time
I've been on this site FOREVER. I joined when I started dating my now ex husband. My exSD was only 8 when we were married. We divorced when she as 14. Yup..she was a mini-wife and he was a Disney dad and I was the third wheel and the exBM was not easy to deal with. (she's 19 now).
I was really discouraged after the separation/divorce with the vow to never have another relationship with a man with children.
I met my new man almost 3 years ago now. He has 2 teenagers. After being on this site for sooo long, I realize that this man is a friggen unicorn. He prioritizes our relationship, but it NEVER feels like (or is) detrimental to the kids. He co-parents effectively with his Ex. We have an easy relationship. We never fight. I know that's cliche, but its true. We do have serious discussions, but they are always mutually respectful.
I went into the relationship with the kids with a view of "take or or leave me, but I'm not bending over backward to insert myself into your life, nor am I your replacement mother." (I never said these things out loud, it was just reflected in my behavior). The result? They genuinely like me and are super easy to be around.
I'm really really lucky.
(by the by, I'm 51).
Congratulations.
You value yourself and it shows in your relationship with your SO and the Skids.
I am glad that you are happy and in a good place.
Dober, congrats on the house!
You are wise to have a place to call your own! Whatever happens, and whomever it may or may not happen with, it is always comforting to know you have a roof over your head without fully depending on others. I think many step problems are excacerbated when a person feels trapped in a bad relationship because they unfortunately do not have the means to leave.
If your current set-up works for you during the time being, that's great. However I would caution against getting comfortable in the "this is as good as it gets" mindset when it comes to your SO. Mini-wives are notorious for NEVER changing. The years will start slipping by and before you know it, SD will become a mother and your SO will then start catering to both a mini-wife and her offspring! Grandkids can really change the dynamic. Then one day you will look at a calendar and realize five, ten or fifteen years have gone by and you are essentially in the same spot you are in now.
IMO, I think the best idea for you is to let your SO know very clearly that you are still going to consider CASUALLY dating other people. That way you can keep your options open. You never know - a more perfect match for you might just be waiting around the corner and you don't want to pass him by because your focus is still on a long-distance sh!t show.
Good luck with the Craftsman!!
DH and I are in a LAT
DH and I are in a LAT arrangement for most of the year right now due to a family situation. It is hard to be apart from him but great to be almost completely removed from adult skid drama. He has two sons and one of them, the 33 yr old goes from clinging to DH when he needs something to not talking to him for 6 months. Skid openly hates me and blames all of his issues on me marrying his father and ss also has had a falling out with BM. The skid and his gf would drop by randomly then completely ignore me, ss would sit thigh to thigh with DH not even saying hello to me when I would say hi to him. DH always played along until they left never acknowledging the awkward encounters.
Since our LAT arrangemnt started I rarely see or hear about skids and am just fine with it. My home is my castle with my rules. I agree that there may be that rare unicorn of a man out there but my DH sure isn't one of them. Love him but he is very flawed with his head in the sand about his adult sons and their mother. I thought that skids would see DH more since i wasnt around as much but that hasn't been the case. Weirdly it seems like they prefer to make their presence know when I'm around. They turn into little boys who love to talk about the old days, mom, and how close they are to their father. Sadly I can never visit with them for long since I have more important things to do.
I would highly recommend an LAT situation for anyone disillusioned with step family life. It's a wonderful way to physically remove yourself from the drama. I still have to set boundaries with DH around conversations about ss's since I prefer them to be a small side dish in our relationship rather than the whole enchilada. I let DH know that he is heard and then we move onto other things. Luckily DH is redirectable.
I guess you could say my SO
I guess you could say my SO and i are LAT. I have my own house very near his, but every night he is home (not working) i stay there. I can't help feeling that this is settling. I know we can't live together yet, though he wants to. His BM2 is still not keeping a schedule and using his house as drop-in care, though. And on his weeks, she still feels entitled to come and get them/drop them off whenever she feels like it. I could never deal with that in my own home. Also, he still allows his son to hang out in his bed. I'm happy this way, but i do long for a true partnership. Plus the costs are doubled. Idk. I hope it works out for you, OP. One way or another, you are free of stephell in your own home. I do love my house, and the peace i feel being able to come home to a place where my boundaries are respected.
Exactly
I'm a child abuse survivor. I must have peace in my own home as an adult. The fighting amongst the SKIDs can get very tense and it makes me terribly uncomfortable. I voiced my concerns and needs to SO, he took it back to the SKIDs and told them it makes me uncomfortable, and they still did it. Total disrespect. Keep in mind this happened in my travel trailer on a camping trip that I invited them to so they were basically in my home. Living LAT is the only option until they move out which won't be for years since SO is enabling them to stay home.
A couple of things:
A couple of things:
1) You're off to a good start, or at least better than most, in way of having you're own home - in YOUR name - and the the self-awareness (and being okay with it) that your SO will never want to fold into it because of whatever reasoning.
2) He's your SO, which means you ARE NOT a SM. Let that label go. Just let it go.