What is the definition of disengaging?

I have gotten advice to disengage but not how to. My idea of disengaging means to "back off". Let her father take care of things and handle punishments. Does that sound about right?

My SD who lives with us is 17 years old. I married her father when she was 12. Unfortunately she has mother issues. I have opened my home, heart and everything to this child. I wanted to heal her broken heart. It was hard to see her in so much pain. I had mother issues and thought I was an expert at this. I found myself wanting to save her and fix her problems. Overtime and through counseling I found that this is not what she needed from me. I was hurt and felt rejected. I felt that my heart was in the right place but did not realize that I was overstepping my boundaries with her. So I backed off. But I took care of other things. If there was something that she needed within reason I would try to get it for her. Sometimes we go to lunch and catch up on things because she goes to school during the day and I work at night. We don't see each other a whole lot. Don't get me wrong I do not wait hand and foot on this child nor do I try to spoil her. She has a job and she pays for some of her own stuff. We tell her we will pay for your needs not your wants. I do put my foot down on things as well.

She just recently told me that she cannot appreciate me. She told me that she feels numb about me and it's like whatever when it comes to me. I was like OUCH!!! . She goes on to tell me that I only see the negative in people and I'm judgmental. Literally my mouth dropped. I was thinking wow you must be talking about your real mother (I was thinking that but I did not tell her that.). I told her that I see the positives in you then I listed them for her. I told her I know I am not perfect then I had to stop myself because I thought wait a minute... I am good person. I'm goofy, fun-loving who respects people and likes help people. I told her I took you in to my heart and home. Her father cut in and said I think you're miss placing your mother issues out on stepmom. She is not your mother. He told her hopefully one day you can appreciate the things that she has done for you. He said I will not tolerate disrespect in this home. He said that because she pulled a crappy stunt and she was punished for her crime.

I had asked advice over the situation and my responses were to disengage. I would appreciate some advice on how to disengage. Anybody ever felt guilty disengaging? How much to disengage? How long do you disengage for? How do you treat them while disengaging? :?

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Thank you for your advice.

Thank you for your advice. That's a good tip.

That's an awesome quote.

Starting to realize that it's

Starting to realize that it's not my job.

I have an SD19 and and SD13.

I have an SD19 and and SD13. SD19 just left for college but is still a PITA, always calling home for something. I disengaged as best as I could in early July. The problem I had is that nothing got done, and DH certainly didn't deal out punishments. Not without my urging. True disengaging is basically ignoring everything around you that has to so with your Skid(s) and letting them and DH handle their crap on their own.

Problem is, I live here, too, and it's not that easy for me not to care what is or isn't happening.

I didn't make a formal announcement that I was disengaging, but I did tell DH that I was done with the SDs treating me with disrespect. I gradually withdrew and hung out in my room, my world, my private space that was just for me. I am still that way, and this started back on 7.7.14. I make dinner maybe 1x/week, if that. I thought it would be easier once I counted down the 1oo days until school started. Yes, SD19 is at the dorm, but the day before the first day of school, DH took SD13 to get her long hair cut short. That evening she told us both she wanted to be a boy. So there's an entirely new set of stressors at home. I want to support DH but everyone is just crazy. Their BM died about 1-1/2 years ago and I told DH to get the SDs therapy. He didn't listen.

DH reminds me that I "don't like SD19." All of the time. I used to say that I didn't like her disrespecting DH, even BM, and now me in my own home. The more he reminds me I don't like her, the more I don't like her. She is a lazy POS who is so utterly helpless and moronic, yet thinks she has it all together. He needs to let her grow and do things on her own.

I have put my foot down more lately and have said no to DH, putting myself first. It hasn't been easy. Just the other day I told him when the skids treat me with more respect, this will be a happier home. He couldn't believe I said it and just scoffed it off. But it has him thinking, I believe. He would never make it in my shoes as a SP. Never. He has no patience. So, I speak up about shared things like keeping the house neat and it seems to be working. I made a huge chore list last week, mostly for SD13 and myself, so I have something to hold over her head every time she wants something handed to her. I will not have her end up like SD19.

So, am I really disengaged? Sorta kinda. I prefer to think of it as doing things MY WAY now. I'm done bending over backwards because it never got me anywhere. I personally don't care what these SDs think of me, I gain nothing from them except for heartache, so I feel that I am not missing out on anything right now by not having healthier relationships with them. I have been in their lives since they were 6 and 12 and was always kind and generous. I put them first, they were KIDS. I showed DH how my morals and values could bring up fun, happy kids.

Then BM died and all along since DH divorced her 7 years ago, SD19 (12 then) didn't think she had to listen to anyone. She deserved a new crack put in her ass on plenty of occasions. BM struggled with her and DH was Mr. Disney EOWE. Now they are with me FT but thank goodness SD19 is only here 4 months out of the year, although she is the biggest problem of the two.

I am working on finding a louder voice and taking my home back. Soon enough I will just end up telling SD19 to get the hell out. That isn't disengaging, though, but it IS taking your life back.

~ Moon

I noticed you posted on

I noticed you posted on another one of my blogs. We seriously have pretty much the same thing going on. I feel like we are one in the same. I appreciate you sharing your story. It helps me feel like that I am not alone. Thank you!

Disengagement is what you

Disengagement is what you make it. If you ask 20 people, you'll get 20 different answers (some though being similar but to different levels). What you need to understand is this is your disengagement and you have to find what it will mean for you...you get to write the rules for yourself and adjust the levels as you see fit. You alone must figure out what it takes to work for you.

The only example you've given here is the tossing of the party, which made a huge mess including destroying some property/items. Yet the focus of the aftermath seems to only be hinged on disrespect for you and being unappreciative towards what you done for her all these years. This young lady disrespected and showed unappreciative behavior towards her father in that incident as much as she did towards you. When sh*t rains down on her head as she's caught and punished , she managed to turn the incident into a 'mommy issue' and how you're just a nobody in her life and how you mean nothing to her.

It appears (based on what little you provided in info) that the SD is a total manipulator who manages to take her poor behavior and turn it around to 'poor me, I have a wicked SM who only looks for the negative in me and is overly judgmental and and (*wiping her eyes*, sniff sniff, boo-hoo) and hates me'.

Frankly, one of the first steps of disengaging for me if I were you, would be to make arrangement for the teen to stay with a grandparent for the week your vacation is, and be grounded homebound. And your role in the punishment is to not care that this would have been the last family vacation nor feel bad/guilty her own behavior caused her to be excluded from it.

Wow !!! You totally open my

Wow !!! You totally open my eyes to this situation. Her mom does the same thing. Turns it into pour me and I am the victim here.

This helps. Thank you!

read the bill of rights for

read the bill of rights for stepmothers.

that helped me a lot to figure out for myself what i would and would not be taking part in.

disengagement can be and should be fluid to a point (unless things are SO bad u basically need no contact at all) based on your changing needs and possible changing of skid behaviors or attitutes, and it can depend on each skid individually.

i'm partially engaged with older two skids, they're both good kids that can be annoying at times (as all teens can). i'll tell 'em to quit chewing w/ their mouth open, will occasionally take them places when they ask for a ride, we have decent conversations and truly enjoy eachother's presence - BUT DH handles true parenting duties (i will not clean up after them, or do their laundry it's his job to teach them and hold them responsible. i will cook for them, but only when/if i feel like it).

yss is a whole 'nother can of worms. i am almost totally disengaged from him. i will answer him in a neutral tone if he asks me a direct question, that's about it. i picked him up from school the other day, but i did that as a favor to DH only (his mom's an ass, her mom had to work, and dh was tossing his cookies alllll day....)

so it's different, u just gotta sit and figure out what you are and are not willing to be a part of with her anymore.