Just once I'd like to hear "I'm sorry" or "you were right" from DH
We've been married 20+ years; the first half was stepparenting hell bc SD was skipping school, having sex and getting pregnant; sneaking out of the house with men, continual lies-just crazy things like that. I'd catch her and tell DH; she'd cry and deny it accusing me of being against her. He'd always say "my daughter wouldn't do that kind of thing" or "not my child". We almost divorced over her and DH's Disney parent attitude/lack of support. But after she left, things got much better and I've been pretty much able to put this behind me.
SD is much better now; married, kids, job, college education. We get along well and she considers me a grandparent to her children and I'm ok with that. She's even apologized to me about what she used to do. DH is a much better husband and father now too that he no longer dotes of SD and has actually let her be an adult.
But sometimes we'll have get-togethers and she'll be talking and laughing about the things she did here and how she got away with it-not to be mean but just tell a funny story. Honestly, I'll look at DH and just get pissed bc to this day, he has never acknowledged that she did those things and lied to his face about it and how he accused me of being a "poor excuse for a parent". I've forgiven both of them but every now and then something will happen to remind me and I'll feel that surge of disappointment that DH will never say to me that he was sorry for doubting me. I know he never will; he will never admit he was wrong and I accept that he is just that kind of person.
But it still gives me the urge to smack him upside his head. *diablo*
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I know what you mean
My SD60 is and was a nightmare, similar to your SD. Unlike you, I haven't forgiven her cuz she's still doing dysfunctional things that still affect us. She does the same as your SD, relates "humorous" incidents from the past for everyone's enjoyment. The prob is I'm not laughing and most family members arent, either. She's a legend in her own mind.
It seems like in many of
It seems like in many of these situations, the root of the problem is not the stepchild but the bio parent, who is often both a poor parent and a poor partner. The fact that your SD grew to be a competent adult who has owned her teenage behavior and apologized, while your husband has never acknowledged he did anything wrong, convinces me that yours is one of those.
Let me guess
He probably takes credit for SD launching due to his wonderful parenting (rolls eyes).
Do it!
Mine does this still about his kids.
The kids will tell ME stories (I wasn't in their lives at the time) and DH will deny it. Denies what juvenile delinquents they were. Now he laments the poor adulting decisions these 40+ "Kid's" are still making. He was a complete Disney dad and cannot face it apparently even with the other kids will remind him of what so and so was doing at 17 and is now doing at 40.
This is why I know
our troubles won't melt like lemon drops.
Just because BM can be forever out of our life - her work has already been done.
I hold out some hope that as an adult and with some space away from BM, SD will be able to do what yours did - apologise, own it and be able to re-integrate into the family. The problem is that I can see SD also bringing up things she did and trying to make light of it and it will never ever be funny. And if we don't laugh - then what. Gone again and a new cycle of grief for DH and our family? Will we have to sell ourselves out and play along just to keep the peace? Especially if there are grandkids involved?
I can tell that you are
I can tell that you are hurting, I am sorry.
Whenever your SD feels the
Whenever your SD feels the need to joke about something she got away with here is what you do:
1. Open your eyes up really wide and give your best imitation of complete shock. Laugh and say very loudly "OMG! So you actually DID that???"
2. Turn to your DH and loudly say "Hey DH!! Remember when SD did ___ and you argued with me about it?? Remember how you said "not my princess" etc etc??? It nearly caused a divorce between us!! Well she just admitted to it!"
3. Repeat every single time. Eventually you DH will get sick of her putting egg on his face or she will realize maybe it is best not to bring up these incidents
I signed to recommend the
I signed to recommend the same thing. Call it out right that moment! Don't let this fester. It will eat away at you. Maybe you only have to do it once, maybe more but do it.
I agree with this!! If she
I agree with this!! If she says this again within DH's earshot, I'd be sure to point out that you were right and DH was wrong. Laugh hysterically. Somewhat reminds me of the situation where both SSs just HAD to have braces at the same time, yet neither wore their retainers, so their teeth are crooked as ever, despite DH AND I paying about $4k towards their braces, and SSs laugh about how they lost their retainers/refused to have them. All I have to say is, THANK GOD they're off our payroll. I heard OSS28 tell SGDs 7 and 9 recently that if they needed braces, they could never afford them and thought to myself, "mmmmhmmm, maybe you should have appreciated yours were paid for." I just kept my mouth shut and smiled, knowing MY$ won't be paying for them. If need be, they can get them and pay for them themselves in their 30's like I did!!
Laughter
yeah, that sucks. Youd think she would have known better, but she just considers it a funny shenanigan. Shes excused. But the point is your DH is NOT to be excused. Call him out.