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Conflicted

Notup4it's picture

I had asked for some perspective on here a few weeks back regarding this issue, but we are now leaning a certain way and I really am needing some opinions (I will be running this by our therapist too, but I just like seeing a wide array of opinions). 

Right now I’m 14 weeks pregnant... this is mine and DH’s first child together.  His children are fully alienated- he hasn’t seen/spoken to any of them in almost a year.... aside from emails he sends that are never responsed to- they are all pre-teens/teens. He hasn’t seen the oldest (who is almost 16) in 3 years.  The past almost decade for him has just been an absolute mess of court, barely seeing his children, and attacks by the borderline GUBM.... this was going on LONG before I was on the scene, but intensified even more directly after we got married.  I can’t say what specifically happened (to keep somewhat discreet) but she did something very serious and criminal to us just after we got married (she was ok when we were dating though). 

We have been struggling about when/if to tell the kids that they were going to have a new sibling. I am certain if we don’t tell them it will be a nail in the coffin and we will be regarded as evil people who kept their sibling from them (despite that they don’t see us or have anything to do with us and this news won’t change anything). But telling them will also open a can of worms with crazy BM and we can never predict what she will do exactly/how extreme it will be.

DH’s mom and aunt think that under no circumstances should we ever tell them. They think the risk with the BM is just too great, that the kids won’t care anyways, that they have made their choices and that the relationship recovering is doomed at this point. We agree with this in large part, but feel a lot of guilt at the same time.

The past couple years we have been trying to put this behind us because it was literally crippling us (financially and emotionally) and his mom thinks we should just live our lives at this point and if they one day come back then tell them.  I just also don’t want DH to make a choice that would permanently destroy any chance of reconciliation (no matter how small it is).  They have other half siblings on moms side as well.... they are close with them, but I know will NEVER be “allowed” to interact with ours. 

I am sort of at the point where either we need to tell them now or let it go- I don’t want to be further along when we tell them and be dealing with some sort of fall out directly before birth. DH is fully on the fence with this- he wants to tell them but doesn’t want some sort of fallout from her. Our whole family has criminal restraining orders against her, but she has broke it in the past. It just bothers me that at some point they would find out and be hurt that they didn’t know.  I know we will be able to explain it to our child though and that I’m not as worried about- our whole family knows what we have been through and supports us fully. 

 

Comments

ksmom14's picture

I don't see any way of keeping your baby a secret from the BM forever....so it sounds like it's just a matter of timing as to when she'll go off the deep end. Either she'll do it now, when you tell skids, or she'll do it later when she finds out about the baby from some other means. 

If I were in that position, I'd probably tell the skids, get it out of the way, and be ready for the crazy that BM will bring. That way, you are prepared, and skids can't say you tried to keep them from sibling. 

Cbarton12's picture

I would just tell them. They're going to find out eventually. Just tell them. BM is going to be crazy regardless of timing. Once you tell Skids. The ball us in their court whether they come around and want a relationship with their new sibling. 

Notup4it's picture

I’m 100% certain that they won’t ever come around to have a relationship because we told them.... it is more that if we don’t tell them then there will be absolutely no recovering from it- we will be viewed as evil for keeping their beloved sibling away (even though either way they won’t want a relationship). 

advice.only2's picture

If you feel that telling the kids could put your life, your babys life and your DH's life at risk, then no I would not say anything.

I have a PASed stepdaughter who is an adult. My uncle just passed recently and neither DH nor myself went out of our way to try and find her and inform her. Part of cutting people out of your life means you are no longer privee to things going on in their lives.

Communication is a two way street. I understand they are kids, but they are kids who will pass the information along because they have been brainwashed too, cut off the communication and it gives them nothing to provide the crazy BM with.

Notup4it's picture

That is exactly what mom and aunt are saying.... that it isn’t worth it, and if they aren’t talking to DH than they don’t get to know. 

We have zero communication with them the past year and haven’t had any direct communication with the BM in 3 due to the restraining orders.  What she did after the wedding was serious and resulted in criminal charges.... she has always been nuts and a pain, but she stepped it up then and there.

The kids have no idea about what she did or how serious it was- they have just been brainwashed for years.

Just this big piece of me feels horrible that they would have a sibling out there they have no idea about.  It isn’t us maliciously not wanting to tell them- it is literally a safety matter (also for themselves even possibly). But if it came out somehow they would never know that I’m sure.

ndc's picture

Your family has a restraining order against the BM?  That's kind of scary, and I wouldn't want her knowing anything about me.

How close (geographically) are you to BM?  What is the likelihood of her finding out if you don't tell the kids?  If it's likely, I'd tell them.  If not, I would not.  If at some point they come around and get past the PAS, you can explain why you chose not to tell them.  Your physical safety trumps the (currently non-existent) relationship, IMO.

Notup4it's picture

They live a ways away. I’m more worried about something coming out on the internet at some point somehow. 

After years and years in court DH doesn’t intend to take her back over this again- but who knows if at some point she would? She is privy to his tax receipts as well, and worried of something showing on those too. 

CLove's picture

Plus, drama-free enjoyment of having your child!

It seems that the relationship is a no-go anyway. I would tell skids later, after all the important giving birth. Keep your family safe from high conflict BM = number 1 priority.

tog redux's picture

I think the safety issue is real, but seems like if you don’t tell them it will always weigh on your mind. 

While SS was alienated, my father died, and DH did tell him. No response, but there was an anonymous donation that I always wondered about (BM would have done that if SS wanted her to, believe it or not).

Our position on alienation was never that he didn’t deserve to know about our lives. 

Monkeysee's picture

Normally I would agree with this, but we don’t know what’s BM did in this case. If the well-being of OP’s family is at risk, I don’t believe telling the kids is wise. Maybe keep it simple, in an email say ‘we have news to share & would love to speak with you’. Or possibly even more discreet than that. 

tog redux's picture

OP and I have chatted a bit about our alienation situations, so I do know what happened - and it's a very real danger.  I'm just not sure that alone is enough for OP to feel OK about not telling them (if it were she wouldn't be conflicted!)

I'm not sure what the right answer is for them - I was just providing another viewpoint to the whole "alienated kids don't deserve to know anything" idea.

Harry's picture

Send a e-mail ?  You do not talk to them?  No way to slip it in.  I would not worried about, when they find out, they find out.  It no good way at this point how to tell them .  They are just going to told they are being replace with new kid 

Notup4it's picture

Yes. If they are told it will be that they were replaced.... and if not told it was that they were lied to and kept apart. 

Monkeysee's picture

Normally I would say you should tell the skids, but if safety is a concern you need to prioritize your child’s wellbeing over the feelings of the PAS’d kids with the crazy BM. 

His family are advising you not to say anything, I’d listen to that. There’s good reason for it, and personally, I would never put my kid in danger just to avoid hurting the feelings of my DH’s previous kids, alienated or not. 

Will they find out about the new baby? Yes, I’m sure eventually they will, and it will hurt them, but I still think your & your baby’s safety needs to be the priority. 

Does BM know where you live? Work? Can you change those things? If you don’t have them already, set up cameras everywhere around your house. If she’s already violated restraining orders I wouldn’t put it past her to try something if/when she finds out you have a child together. 

This normally wouldn’t be my advice, but your safety needs to come before the kids feelings. It’s a terrible situation to be in. It sounds like you’ve got your family’s support which, which is a definite plus.

Notup4it's picture

Yes she does know where I live- I WISH we could move but I own my house and just timing for buying and selling is horrible, for both personal and market reasons. Could rent out this place and rent a new one... but we also have dogs. Ugh. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and the kids didn't know yet, the kids came to their father and said they thought someone had died and that BM just hadn't told them yet the way she was acting.  She cried and carried on for weeks.  My stepkids waffed in their feelings and were present for the birth of their sister in the hospital room with me and they were fighting and bickering and it ruined my birth experience.  Just fyi.  If it were me, I would send them a birth annoucement after the baby is born.  This is your first child and you don't need any stress and drama.   

Notup4it's picture

That is another fear of mine personally that she would possibly do something to the kids if she found out  (DH has disagreed with this idea, but previously our therapist has said she thinks it actually could be a possibility).

She is certainly not stable, but she also won’t get help and no one really knows exactly how unstable she is. 

100% though no matter what I am certain the kids will not have a relationship with us or their sibling- they wouldn’t be there for the birth or to meet the baby.  Telling them would be more just so they knew for when they are adults. 

young_step_mom's picture

I wouldn't say anything.

I understand where you're coming from that this would be the final straw in the PAS game, but it will be the final straw either way. If BM finds out she'll say, "Your father is keeping your beloved sibling from you." If you do tell BM, it will most likely be, "See how little your father cares? He's already setting up a 'new' family without you guys." There is just no upside.

If, at some point in the future, the kids manage to outgrow the PAS and try to reconnect, this might be a sore spot for them, but if they've gotten to the point where they see the truth, they will understand why their father didn't tell them.

 

 

Notup4it's picture

That is really true too... if they get to the point where they can understand what happened and the PAS, I’m sure they would also understand that they weren’t talking to us so they weren’t told. 

At this point they also might not even want to know (or have BM know anyways) because BM might go psycho with them and they are unfortunately the ones who really have to live with that day in day out. 

Good point.