That’s how DH described our situation. We are being held hostage by SS15, an emotionally manipulative, mentally troubled teen.

This is the fault of DH and his ex. SS has been emotionally manipulative since I met him when he was 8 years old. A part of it is genetic and an early learned behavior by SS, but DH and his ex could have parented him differently. They could’ve given real consequences for his actions. They could’ve been honest with him about how his behavior affects himself and everyone around him.

It’s easy for me to point my finger at them. To tell DH that he should’ve listened to all the things I’ve been saying over the years. To say that his ex has mentally issues and is emotionally manipulative, so even though there is no biological relation (SS is adopted), SS has picked up behaviors from her. But, I checked out a while ago and I don’t know if better parenting would have changed what SS is turning into.

We are now in a situation where SS troubles are getting worse. Within a month, he has stolen his mother’s credit card, purchased items and had them sent to a friend’s house (close to our house) to hide the purchases. We found out because he had the package sent to the wrong address (a cop’s house – yes, he’s an idiot). He’s vaped in class (yes, he’s an idiot) and got suspended, he’s thrown physical temper tantrums, and he’s destroyed property at his mother’s rented house. He’s been at his mother’s house while doing all these things, so she has been asking DH to take him every day. DH was holding fort, saying no because we had SS for 3 months straight and it was her responsibility to take him for this one month. (I needed the break. She dumped him on us for 3 months straight starting the same week I was due to give birth.)

He also says that he wants to kill himself whenever he gets in trouble. That’s the problem. He went to a mental institution for a week after saying he wanted to kill himself before. At that time he lived with us full-time and he was getting in all sorts of trouble. He wanted to get out of punishments at our house. It worked. He got to live with his mother full-time (she did not want this) and we got a dismissed CPS allegation, so we tiptoed around him afterwards. Then, he realized living with her wasn’t great, so he decided he wanted to live with us too. So, he got that. He knows that a stay at a mental institution will get him out of his life for a brief period of time until things cool down. And, it also gets him what he wants.

So, this time around it’s the same thing. He has been asking to stay with us to get away from trouble with his mother. DH has been saying no, so now SS says “I want to go to the hospital because I don’t feel safe with myself. The only way I won’t go to the hospital is if I get to go to dad’s house.”

The last mental institution stay resulted in DH’s ex owing us money for years because we paid the entire bill upfront and she is awful with money. And, our insurance is worse now, so we are looking at upward of $7k for a one week stay this time around if the institution is out-of-network.

So, DH and I gave in. He is now with us. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars so that SS can eat pulled pork sandwiches and red velvet cake (this was the only thing he mentioned about his last stay at the hospital). I don’t believe he is a threat to himself in that way.

I told DH that I couldn’t do this anymore. The fact that he could lose me and our two little kids have been giving him anxiety attacks. I told DH that there are a few cheap therapeutic boarding schools out around Texas, but I’m not willing to take a second mortgage on our house to send him to an expensive one and I can’t live with him.

DH has been fighting me our whole relationship. He used to tell me that SS was a good kid, that SS would mature soon, that things could get better. I’ve been telling DH that SS hasn’t hit his teenage years yet – it was only going to get worse. DH is finally seeing things clearly…or he truly believes that I will leave him so he’s telling me what I need to hear to not walk out.

I feel bad. I try to put myself in DH’s shoes. No one wants to think negatively or give up on their kids. But, DH has two little kids to think about even if he loses me over this. And, its been eating at DH. He loves SS, but doesn’t like him. He’s admitted to me that at times he wishes he never adopted SS. He’s a wreck.

SS on the other hand is acting chill and normal at our house –no indication that he’s depressed at all. It’s upsetting and infuriating.