Moving Away
I'm planning on moving about 4 hours away, which would mean that DH would be 4 hours away from SS17. I do not want SS to move with us for his last year of high school. To rephrase, he WILL NOT move with us. We will try to basically entice BM with enough money that she will not hesitate to take him for the year. I will not allow him to live in my new home for many reasons. I need to have a clean start with my young children. I will not be tied to any more drama. DH seems to think that SS moving in with us could be a possibility if BM drops him off on us. But, if that happens, I will require DH to find a different home for him and SS or just a different home for SS.
BM is high conflict and SS is a bag full of issues, but that's not the core issue. The core is DH. He avoids conflict with BM and SS, thus causing me and our little kids to suffer. He avoids being honest with the skids for fear that they won't love him anymore. He talked about this move solving our marital issues, but I made it clear to him (at least I tried) that this move is another way for him to avoid BM and SS. For me, this move means that I'll be closer to family and support. For him, this is just an extension of him trying to avoid truthful conversations with his ex and SS. I understood keeping the peace when both skids were younger and we needed to protect them both emotionally and physically, but skid #2 is almost an adult.
He's entitled, he steals, he smells, he'd probably be flunking out of school if his parents weren't doing virtual school for him. He's not getting any sort of further education paid for. He needs to find an after-school/summer job and learn to do what the rest of productive society does because that's where he's going to be in a year and a half. Why can't his parents just flat out say it. In my opinion, not being honest about his future is a real detriment to him, just like him getting A's and B's when his parents are doing the school work is a real detriment to him.
Anyway, I'm just done. I used to have guilt about the skids, but I'm running on empty. I'm thinking about myself and my little kids only now. Any advice on this? Has anyone moved away successfully? Did moving away help?
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Comments
Buy a house that has no room
Buy a house that has no room for SS. Make it impossible for him to move in. As for the problems, if you bring DH with you, you will bring the problems. He hasn't changed and until he learns new relationship skills, you will still feel resentful from his lack of parenting. Now if you go without him, you have a chance for a new life , a different life. You will have to figure out and come to terms that if you divorce, your bios will still see SS on their dad's time. Unsupervised by you. Still exposed to his bad habits. Now time apart can be an eye opening experience for a man, he might realize that hew wants life with you and will make the changes necessary to be with you. He might decide that being away from the stress of never pleasing you is better for him. When you are this unhappy and frustrated with your DH , some time apart will be good for YOU. You will be able to clear your head.
Moving away won't solve all your problems , especially if you bring them with you: a DH who refuses to change.
I am planning on buying a
I am planning on buying a smaller house so that neither of the skids will try to stay for an extended period of time with us.
I know that my moving means that problems will move with me. I am concerned that it will affect my extended family too. I many times wish I never got involved with DH to begin with because of all the problems that came with him. But I'm in it, and they will never go away. Even if I divorce, I'll still have to deal with all of it, just with less control.
I have real fears that SS will try to move to my new city. I worry that he'll try to mooch off my family. I've been silent to everyone (family and friends) about what he is really like, so they don't know that they should not engage him.
I have thought about DH wanting to leave me to not deal with the stress of never being able to please me. I am not happy and really, at this point, our relationship is broken because there is so much built up resentment in me.
You need to start filling in
You need to start filling in your family. I had to do that with mine about the skids. SS sounds like a parasite and you would feel worse if he worked his way into your family and you never had peace from him. Filling in your family will hopefully give you the support you need at this time. Resentment is some heavy baggage to carry around.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I know I will have to be honest with my family about SS when I move. Maybe I'll get the emotional support that I've needed all these years after I let people know about my life.
But I really just think I need to end this relationship for my sanity. I had a full on anxiety attack this evening. DH was working on a possible custody schedule for SS17 after our move. It included only the next school year (a period of 10 months) and he had 8 visitations! It resulted in me getting angry. I asked questions like, how is a 17 year old going to have a job and life elsewhere if he's visiting us 3-4 days every month. I'd understand this schedule for a young child, but this is ridiculous and way too intrusive to me. DH said that we never talked about SS getting a job during the school year. I went catatonic. The only way to prepare a child who isn't going to college for the real world is for them to get a job. I just don't even know what to say to DH anymore.