I have recently started to think about continuing my education, but to do this I have to move (temporarily) about 5 hours away. With all the problems I've had and the state of our relationship I know we wouldnt survive long distance. The damage has been done, my feelings are hurt and somethings can't be fixed. I feel so disconnected from my SO, yet I hate the thought of leaving him. I know it is just the fear of change and leaving "home". When I think about leaving I am saddened by the good things we have, but I will not miss the skid bs or his lack of backbone when it comes to dealing with them. I won't miss him merely appeasing me and avoiding conflict rather than pleasing me (in more than one way...lol) and dealing with the conflict in a healthy way. I will miss him laying beside me at night, the rare times he could honestly listen to my problems, the way things were before the skid wedding that started the down hill spiral that has landed us here, and I guess what I'll miss the most is the dreams I once had for us. Maybe I wont really miss him, I'll just miss what I needed/wanted him to be for me. I wont miss feeling like I cant bring up any issues for fear of his negative reaction, bottling up emotions bc he just doesnt care to listen, feeling like I am overreacting bc he doesnt think of "problems" the same way, or feeling anxiety about seeing certain people (skids) in public.
I feel sad when I look at him and I know what has to happen for us to be more healthy (or atlest me), but glad I get to start a new adventure. I am way too young to limit myself to this relationship where I can't improve anything. All I can do is accept what I have, which isnt great.
If only i could be happy with settling for a man that is unable to stand up for me, allows skids to treat me like dog feces, not listen to me, detract from his downfalls by getting mad at me rather than admitting and apologizing, and avoids conflict likes its the plague. I guess I am just not that kind of person. I should be glad that I know I deserve more and better and am going for it, but some part of me isnt right now.