dating again with obvious reprocussions
So my fiance never came to his senses and started behaving like a man in order to keep me.LOL
So...I am considering getting back out there much sooner then I ususally do for my pathetic ego's sake(yes all you amateur psychologist ,I realize this is unhealthy,but heack I will be 42 soon and I want to try again)
My question is will I ever get over the pain this man and his hateful, selfish, and like fish drinking kids have done?
Anyway when I have someone interested and they have a child(Particuarly an adult child, particuarly a female adult child),I run.I flat out turned down the sweetest man with 2 adult children who had both graduated college because he made some comment about them always needing us.He is cute to me, has incredible job and had a long marriage track so what is my problem in allowing him to buy me dinner?
Another question to all of you that i have grown to love so, do you have preconceived ideas about males who have never married , no children?One of my current choices is 52 and s,no kids.
Another is 44, handsome, also very succesful and has a BD in college, that he seems to travel with all the time,and I found myself looking for red flags in everything he said.
Maybe I am not ready ,but I will be danged if my fiance will act as if I never meant a thing to me most of the time due to fact he has numbed his emotions with alcohol and me sitting here crying.
If nothing else, good conversation , good food,I hope.
As bad as startng over is it has to be better then being treated the way i was.
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Comments
Good for you!!
Good for you for gettin back on that horse!
I love being single and dating whomever and having fun with no strings attached!
I had the hardest time settling because I have a little bit too much fun on my own.
I don't know what it is, but I am so independent, I work out, I spend more time with MY kids, and I am happier just dating.
I'm remarried now (for one year) and I love my new life too.... funny, I just never figured I'd settle down, (but I'm only 27).
Anyway, I'm proud of you for getting back out there. I've never been able to stay alone for very long.... too many guys out there to help pass the time.... plus, a good old rebound/fling always helped speed up the mending of my broken hearts!
I share all of your concerns...
I lived that life for a number of years with three sks and an interfering wife. I have always had a great income and gotten child support (meagre) from my ex to raise our two children. My dh and his sks were very manipulated by his ex. Well, one day, stamina had enough. I bought my own house. We sold our big house and both moved into our smaller homes with our own children. Now, no more fighting, angry, hate, sadness. We are married but live apart. Now I love it...and I don't get stressed about his ex, his children...nothing! We date, travel and enjoy life but are not committed to each other financially. Strange but it works for us!
you're still young
and deserve to find happiness. I think that your common sense & experience is kicking in with your selection process. If you are not enjoying the "scene", maybe it is too soon. But you'll never know until you try. I always thought something was creepy about people that didn't have children by 45, but now I wished I hadn't. God put red flags so we'd be careful. Trust your gut.
You will know what to do
I am sorry to hear, I did not realize you were single now. But hey, I have been single probably 9/10s of my life, so I can relate. I think the best way to seriously forget someone is to find someone else.
How to do this: Don't look at each for their 'potential' as a partner. Just think of them as friends and keep it light, is my advice. I would not get physical or exclusive until things are calmed down and you know they really like you and you are not meeting some urgent need they have. You will recognize when it is right.
I would have to wonder about someone that old who has never married, mainly because I would not want to be strung along by a commitment-phobe, that happened to me a lot it seems. But I am not worried about you, I know you will be fine
Please keep us posted.
Most Evil
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
thank you
thank you everyone, i have a committed meeting next Sunday afternoon and another is asking when I have free time.
I still love the fool i was with,he had plenty of things to love,but when his kids made hurtful comments he looked the other way and was big on verbally punishing me when he did not like something,drinking may it much worse.
Truth be known I just loved the comfort when it was good, low key, and knew that me and my lifestyle were accepted, funny how scary it is to put yourself back out there to be analyzed the same way we are analyzing them.LOL also instead of thinking the physical side will be exciting, i can still only think of him in that way so that is good sign ,no need to move on that yet.
Dating
Besides the obvious, there are two major warning signs that I have. One... does he respect boundaries? Two... how does he treat other people?
I started talking to this guy who started making rude comments. When I told him I wasn't comfortable with that he told me I was reading too much into things & he continued to do it. It doesn't matter if I was reading too much into things. I drew a boundary & he totally pissed all over it. Very disrespectful & not cool.
Also, if we are at a restaurant & he treats the waitstaff like little peons, he can just hit the door. I have no respect for that.
I really don't think it's got that much to do with the situation they are in, I think it's got more to do with how this person acts. I know some people deceive, but after a while true colors sneak out & you can tell what they're really like by what they say & what they do when their guard is down.
I knew this guy who tried to impress me with how intelligent he was by telling me how he deceived his ex-wife. It was before they married. In fact, she wanted to get married & he didn't so she moved out. In his words, he 'tracked her down' & promised her a ring. She upheaved her life, moved back in with him & when she asked for a wedding date he told her he promised a ring, nothing more. Now, whether that was true or not, this really made me lose any respect for him. It wasn't that he deceived her so much as the delight in his laughter about it & the twinkle in his eye. What a jerk.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Same boat
As most of you have read my posts, I was in the same boat.
I think getting out and seeing "what the world has to offer" doesn't hurt. You just have to be careful because there are a lot of hurt, wounded people out there as well as some really sick and pathetic ones. I went out with 5-6 different women from mid August to late September. Maybe I wasn't ready, but there was no "click."
Yes, I could easily have dated more but I don't think a "date" for just to be "dating" is worth it. Before you are ready for a relationship (and can offer the most) you have to feel good about yourself. Get rid of the anger and hurt feelings because they will prevent you from moving on. Forgiveness is an important part of being human, just so very hard and even though you forgive it doesn't mean you forget. Just don't make the same mistakes twice in life.
Nothing wrong with going out for dinner and/or drinks and looking to develop a friendship first -- just be honest and up front with someone that is what you are looking for -- if they are worth dating then they will be okay with it. Don't cut them off that you won't be "ready" for a long time, just tell them you aren't ready right now and that first and foremost you want friendship; respect and trust.
Remember that people say stupid things when first dating -- but look to their actions and track record. As for me, I do (now) tend to steer away from women with younger kids. As you get older though, if they don't have kids or have never been married I think thats a red flag.
Kevin
am I a hypocrite?
I have two boys of my own ,12 and 14,and so want someone who contends with OUR lives and yet am the opposite of how I was and am totally selfish when it comes to dealing with others kids at this point. Hypocrite?
Quite frankly, I am used to people liking me, so when my exF's kids, or rather just the DIL and exSD decided to hate me without even knowning me, I could not understand.
I met my exfiance in church , where he worked with kids, was a regular member of a Bible study group for 10 years and had started the teen AA support group. When my Dad was ill he visited him in the hospital(he was in for months) even when I could not and was just a great guy.He would do many very sweet things for me(then)
He had not drank for 13 years until his exwife left him and then when he met me kept in well in control, UNTIL his children moved here and the stress increased and he chose to medicate ,often out with them , which I could not undertand and now he drinks every single day until he feels better(3-7 drinks each day, maybe more at times).So after two more wasted years , how do you trust someone will be consistent in what you see to begin with? One other prime difference, he told me the frst week we met he was trying to cut down on cursing, well, I have never had a man curse at me like he did while drunk, until it was abuse level, and then he would mock my tears by copying me or asking why the hell are you crying, it won't get you what you want?
Sweet ,huh?
This was the man who had been a rock to begin with, a man who had admired me because of the kind of mother I was and then later told me he was afraid my helping mu boys study would take too much time away from him. UUUGGGHHH> I can totally see how Stamina's plan works for her,Cruella, I am being nosey ,but mind sharing why you and your fiance broke up?
All I want for Christmas is a sincere ,faithful, honest man , who cherishes me and is respectful to my sons and family.May I be very bold and ask that I find him attractive and that he not only find me attractive but that he want to appreciate me for the woman I am inside as well.Oh and he needs to be financially stable and have a desire to consistently grow as a better person. LOL , I might as well be drinking spiked eggnog, this is making my head light! LOL Oh and God help me , IF he has children that he actually know what being a parent means, that is a deal breaker and someone who laughs at life instead of cursing it would be very nice as well.
I feel almost like a drunk driver getting back in the dating world feeling like I do, but as Kevin said as long as I am honest and I don't meet Cruella's MrViagra. Problem is , I still love the idiot, what does that say about me? Nothing I like, that is for sure! LOL