Is near equality in a relationship with stepkids present really possible?
Just been thinking, and reading the message boards etc. But steplife really takes a lot of hard work and dedication, and still from what I have read on the message boards can be a thankless job.
I know being with my ex, while we had some good times, the relationship was mostly daunting. Once he could no longer hide the dysfunctional relationship he had with his adult kids, things went downhill fast.
I think some men with kids expect too much from their partners. Because my ex had so many issues with his adult kids, which I learned he was mainly the cause of, it pretty much destroyed the compassion I had towards him when real life situations came up (although I was initially his biggest support). When things came up like health issues, job issues, elderly parent or sickly parent issues etc., I was in fact there for him but the problems with his adult kids were just too much and I just didn't want to be there for him anymore. It was very burdensome.
The last time I talked to my ex, he let me know his parent's health had worsened. He had undergone surgery and none of his adult kids checked on him afterwards. He had also traveled to go see some of them, but they never showed up to see him once he had made the trip, not even the ones who regularly call and ask for money. It was odd because he was referring to some of his adult kids as his "grandkids parents" instead of his son or daughter. I later found out the daughter who was manipulating him for money because she was supposedly in college either got kicked out or dropped out.
He has a lot on his plate and was reaching out to me just about daily (sometimes multiple times in the same day). Thank goodness that has recently dwindled down to a few times a week. I don't accept his calls. He has to figure his life out. Personally, I wouldn't keep calling someone who no longer wants me. While he thinks it may show he cares, I find it disrespectful. We are not together anymore nor would I ever be with him again in such an unequal relationship. Im not letting him or any other man put the weight of their world on my shoulders.
In reading the message boards alot seems to be expected of stepmoms. So I was wondering if people think its impossible to have a near equal relationship with a man who has kids (adult kids or minors)? Especially when the men are Disney dads, enmeshed, etc?
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Good question
I dont know if a near equal relationship is possible all the time. Ours has changed over the years. In the early years, my DH earned more and was more dominant for several reasons. Those were the most Disney years. I became stronger over the years due to several factors: counseling making me more assertive and I returned to work. After we had been together 4 years, all the SKs moved in. That coincided with him having to travel more for work. That change put me more on charge, like it or not. Our middle years wete fairly equal with both of us working and the 5 kids in teenage years, then launching. In these later years, I seem more strong. So, to answer your question, it seldom seemed equal on a day-to-day basis but over the years has evened out.
Through it all, I've felt his respect and he insisted on all the kids respecting me, and vice versa. That has been a big factor, I didn't realize it's importance until I'd been on ST.
JRI thank you for sharing
JRI thank you for sharing your experience. I have been married before, and for the most part despite a few rocky times, the relationship seemed balanced. It wasn't a step situation either because my ex husband is the father of our now adult kids.
After being divorced for several years, I never knew dating a man with adult kids could be so horrible.My ex-boyfriend's adult kids were a nightmare. Disrespectful to him, one was directly disrespectful to our relationship, manipulative, and were financially burdensome etc. That situation is something I never wanted to be apart of, and had he never lied and covered it up, I would have never been with him. The fact he lied and covered it up says to me his adult kids have been a problem in other relationships and rather than grow and do the work to change, he deceives women about the issues.
Stepping back from the situation, I really don't think he knows how to have a healthy relationship with others. Relationships involve giving and taking.. If one partner gives more and the other is mostly taking, the giving partner usually gets tired and makes an exit plan.
He actually thought I was going to attend counseling with him to work on the problems. I contemplated it, but then thought hey he knew he had these issues long before meeting me so why didn't he work them out on his own. A male relative told me a man doesn't need counseling to make his adult kids launch but rather he just does it if he wants to in order to better himself and his relationship.
It's disheartening what some of the women go through on these message boards. Do these men think that bringing their unruly kids into a relationship is ok?
I don't know why my wx won't go away. I'm never accepting the dysfunctional relationship he has with his adult kids. Even if he fixed the situation, I still wouldn't want him because he should have never brought that type of baggage into my life. Sometimes I really want to say that to him but others told me to just stay no contact.
I agree, no contact is best
But I'm sure one reason he keeps reaching out is that he knows you are a nice, kind person who is aware of his situation. He probably needs someone to listen. The joke I always make is that the body part our aging DH's are most attracted to isn't our besutiful bodies, its our ears! Seems like they mostly want to talk, talk, talk.
You are hilarious JRI. *lol*
You are hilarious JRI. *lol*
I am sure you are right that he knows I am a nice, kind, person who knows his situation and needs someone to listen to him. Unfortunately, for him I will not be that person for him anymore. Do you think some people need to go through some things alone to figure them out and grow? Like hit rock bottom? He is overly consumed with obtaining love from people who have shown they don't care about him. No amount of listening is going to help that situation.
I doubt it
I doubt at his age he will hit rock bottom and change. He will probably still be unsuccessfully trying to get love from them on tbe day he dies. Sad..
Yeah, you are probably right
Yeah, you are probably right JRI. It's been over a year since I broke up with him The last time I talked to him his life sounded like such a mess. He even had the nerves to start mirroring things I said while we were together. I was so glad to be able to get off the phone with him knowing that I had made the right decision in ending our relationship. Very toxic.
Can you see or understand
All his relationship are screwy . He caters to his adult kids who only want him as an ATM. He can come over buy gifts and that the end of there Relationship. He know you feel bad for him. But you just can't be in a relationship where you are second to non existent SK.
No body else will put up with this so he only thinks he has you. In reality, your are the only one talking to him.
Nothing wrong to do away with his toxic life
I appreciate your take on
I appreciate your take on this situation Harry. You sum it up in a way he acts like he doesn't get. I used to feel bad for him, but then I started realizing it was unnecessary stress. And this message board along with a few other people helped me realize he was the cause of his own problems. As a man he can't make good decisions for himself so how could he ever make good decisions for a significant other? He can't.
You said "No body else will put up with this so he only thinks he has you. In reality, your are the only one talking to him. Nothing wrong to do away with his toxic life." I really don't put up with it either. In the last 7 or 8 months I have only answered his call maybe once. I listened to him for a bit but it was apparent his situation was the same. Life can be stressful enough, and I think people just don't want to be bothered with his toxic situation. I know I don't. I couldn't believe he was foolish enough to travel to see his adult kids, gifts in hand (they don't want gifts, they want money), all for them to not even show up. Especially, after they didn't check on him after he had surgery. JRI might be right, he may likely be chasing them until the day he dies. Smh
What do you mean by "an equal
What do you mean by "an equal relationship"?
Tog, one where one partner's
Tog, one where one partner's baggage doesn't outweigh the other partner's baggage the majority of the time. I always thought a balanced or near equal relationship was a goal of couples. At least it was when I was married. So for instance if one partner comes into the relationship with needy dependent relatives and the other doesn't I would say that's an imbalance. If one partner has meddling family members and the other doesn't that is also an imbalance. If both partners come into a relationship where there ex causes alot of havoc and their partner's ex doesn't, then that would also be an imbalance for me.
Given that this message board seems to have more sms on it, does it mean women generally clean their lives up alot more than men prior to entering a relationship? I have heard of men complaining about women having baggage. However, my experience with my ex and reading posts on these forums indicate some men have a whole heck of alot of baggage too. A lot of them also seem resistant to change. Fear of losing their kids just would never be a good enough reason to allow their kids to behave any old type of way.
I agree with Harry...
I agree with Harry...
The relationships ARE screwy. AND the worst part is he has put up with it.
Very odd dynamic.
Some people think this is the norm.
Thumper, yeah it seems like
Thumper, yeah it seems like this is his norm. Have never seen anything like this in my life. Just utterly foolish.
Send him one last text that
Send him one last text that he needs to figure it out on his own then block him.
Block block block!
Block this toxic man.
work on healing from this relationship. Dont look back.
Dh and are more equal now that we are married, I am working full time and we make equal money. Plus we both own the house and the boat. Munchkin respects me and has more of a voice now. Time has also been a factor as I am 6.5 years in this.
Clove when I block him, then
Clove when I block him, then I get calls and texts from either numbers I don't know or calls from private numbers.
I think I have healed from this relationship. I say think because I am very skeptical of dating a man with kids again. This board has helped a ton, but I am just weiry about dating men with kids.
I do appreciate you letting me know you and your DH have a balanced relationship despite him having kids. Congrats to the both of you! I think we need a thread for people who have happy endings like yours!!