Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.

I've been reading some of the topics on this forum along with many of the comments. The more I read the more I have noticed the amount of hurt some women carry because they are in stephell. But one thing I am seeing play out over and over again is a lack of boundaries with the SO/DH as it relates to his kids and/or BM. But also alot of excuses are made for why these guilty fathers or Disney Dads don't prioritize their relationships with their partners/SO. Most, if not all, of these men know their partner/SO comes first. For those who don't know, why settle for them making you feel like a second class citizen?

Someone posted a comment that said:

Because the father has a disordered view that the children and the spouse are on equal footing. That the new partner may not stick around so he has to "put the children first". He doesnt hold the "team view" on things. THATS how it happens. And getting on the "Team View" is how you prevent it from happening.

I think this is faulty thinking that came out of some book for stepmothers. It makes excuses for an inexcusable situation created by a man who doesn't have his life in order. In my opinion, a man who thinks his children and SO/partner are on equal footing, is not a man and definitely isn't a suitable prospect for a relationship let alone marriage. Whether a woman sticks around or not, his kids are not equal to his partner or potential partner and never will be. When it comes to sex, bills, finances, household chores, helping him when he is sick etc. do these men still feel their kids are on equal footing? I'll wait.................. of course not. No one should have to work hard to get a man, who is also a father, to get on the "Team View" approach. Shouldn't he have already made that decision when he asked the woman to be in a relationship with him or when the two of them mutually decided to enter a relationship? Why give him a pass not to be "all in" with you just because he has kids? If a man wants his kids to be prioritized his options in my opinion are to stay single or get back with BM. It's selfish to bring innocent women into a dysfunctional situation like this. Is it really worth being with a man who doesn't value you? What I'm seeing here is once you allow someone to tear down your boundaries and devalue you, you actually start devaluing yourself? Noone is worth that. Especially a man with nonexistent boundaries when it comes to his kids and/or BM. Never let a man with no boundaries chip away at your boundaries. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.

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Yeah I remember telling my husband years ago he was bloody mad

To think that i would ever need to answer back to his useless non-independent adult daughter regarding the parenting of my kids. I told him I'd divorce him if he thought that was ever expected of me to cowtow and answer to a 21 yr old adult who lacked any basic life skills who thought she had authority over me

my husband didn't want to cause drama adressing this with her and thought it would blow over until a year later when he realised I hadn't budged and told her that i was his wife and the resident expert on our kids and she is never to disrespect me or answer me back when i say no when it comes to our kids. That i did not have to ever answer to her or tolerate her disrespect.

her answer was "i'm sorry if i did anything weong" which translates to "I didn't do anythung wrong, i am your miniwife but i just want to shut you up stat".

i have refused to be anywhere the sd's will be or forced my kids to tolerate their disrespect and be sround them for 3.5 yrs now and that will not change since they are incapable of basic respect and civility

Great Post

Dang it speaks the truth.

You summed it up lady. "equal footing". Heck my ex DH put SD above me like many do. It just doesnt work, or at the very least it is a very unhappy relationship.

These men will never experience a healthy relationship because of their twisted view. Then they pass it down to their kids and history repeats.

Shamds, it's good to see you

Shamds, it's good to see you on the message boards. Haven't seen you posting in awhile. Hope all has been well. You are definitely one of the members here that is outspoken and set strong boundaries on what you are willing and unwilling to accept from your DH and his kids. When it comes to these step situations, the relationship has to be prioritized. When it's not, you have to take a stand or be willing to walk. If a man is for you, he will stand up as a man, even in a way he has never had to do before. If he doesn't, then it isn't meant to be imho. Men who value themselves, value their partners.

No excuse should ever be good enough to allow a man to put you on the same level as his kids or anyone else for that matter. If the excuse is "he fears losing his kid/kids" then his view is dysfunctional. In other words, he is willing to live his life out of order so he doesn't lose other people. Truth is, if he thinks like this, he has already lost someone.....himself. Unfortunately, it is inevitable this will lead to an unfulfilled life for all involved (him, his kids, and his partner if she chooses to stay).

Lol been so busy with my kids and specialist appointments

I remebered when my husband was and still is guilty disney daddy and i hated seeing him stoop so low for tiny crumbs of temporary attention of them. Me and our 2 kids together love hubby unconditionally, they adore their dad and miss him so much.

skids just see daddy as an atm. The sd's abandoned their dad for over 5 yrs and guilted daddy for marrying me and having 2 kids with me and not putting his life on hold for them. The eldest sd on the 1st day of re initiating contact with her dad told him he owed her mum a home for divorcing her. It never bloody ends.

divorce was finalised and judge agreed exwife was not entitled to 50% of anything because she didn't contribute to his quality of life, didn't care for him the kids or the home in their 14 yrs of marriage, it was a dysfunctional and abusive relationship and she sabotaged his career aspirations just out of joy!!

judge ordered she get 50% of profit from sale of the home and she was fuming about it.

i told my husband I wouldn't remain married to him if he was prioritising free homes to adult kids when he had responsibilities to out kids and i was seriously worried about our marriage at that point and wanted out because clearly he didn't have our interests at heart.

at one point he said that i could deal with batshit crazy exwife and his estate. No will to pre empt batshit crazy exwife and skids attempting to disinherit us like we didn't exist and guilty disney daddy was too blind to see it.

eventually he decided his country wasn't safe to keep his savings so he said it was smart to buy a home in my country of birth where he intended to retire and withdrew a large chunk and put it in my name only. Exwife and skids can never touch it ever if hubby dies. Superannuation/pension money is assigned to me because skids will all be adults by the time hubby would likely die.

anytime i am there at family events and sd's are present, they are glued to daddy and refuse to interact with family and my inlaws question me about it.

when me and our kids are not around they play happy family like we don't exist. Frankly i'd rather stay home than torture myself with their presence. My husband also told off his sd that he had enough of her tants about bio mum and stepdad

every friggin time they entered our car it was daily reports on bio mum and stepdad. Absolutely useles crap nobody wanted to know but hubby was too chicken shit to say shut up!!

eventually hubby told her he is married to me, i am his wife and mother to our 2 kids and he had no concerns or care for bio mum and should never have to as his responsibility and concern is to us. For sure adult sd contacted her mum about that. My husband hates exwife and the husband she had an affair with whilst married to my husband with the fires of a thousand suns and that will never go away.

it's laughable that sd's still try to make hubby be responsible or have concern for their mum and how she has sanotaged her own life as a priority over us. Hubby has not one ounce of concern or responsibility towards her beyond the court ordered cs for youngest sd which will end in a few more yrs.

Lol been so busy with my kids and specialist appointments

judge ordered she get 50% of profit from sale of the home and she was fuming about it.

anytime i am there at family events and sd's are present, they are glued to daddy and refuse to interact with family and my inlaws question me about it.

every friggin time they entered our car it was daily reports on bio mum and stepdad. Absolutely useles crap nobody wanted to know but hubby was too chicken shit to say shut up!!

Lol been so busy with my kids and specialist appointments

judge ordered she get 50% of profit from sale of the home and she was fuming about it.

anytime i am there at family events and sd's are present, they are glued to daddy and refuse to interact with family and my inlaws question me about it.

every friggin time they entered our car it was daily reports on bio mum and stepdad. Absolutely useles crap nobody wanted to know but hubby was too chicken shit to say shut up!!

the new partner may not stick

the new partner may not stick around so he has to "put the children first"

Depends on what you are referring to by "new partner". If just dating, yes, I believe a single person needs to put their children first, while dating, vetting, and getting to know a potential partner. Once it's determined that the potential partner is worth committing to, then, of course, the partner and relationship should be the priority (assuming that the partner does not become abusive or a negative influence on the kids).

I think this is faulty thinking that came out of some book for stepmothers. It makes excuses for an inexcusable situation created by a man who doesn't have his life in order. In my opinion, a man who thinks his children and SO/partner are on equal footing, is not a man and definitely isn't a suitable prospect for a relationship let alone marriage.

I agree, which is why I repeat myself about how long it takes to really get to know somebody and the dynamics within their life. I am flabbergasted by women who get into serious relationships, having barely met or been around the kids. Even when it's obvious that he doesn't have his life in order, so many women ignore the red flags, think things will change, blah, blah, blah, and go ahead with the relationship, anyway.

If a man wants his kids to be prioritized his options in my opinion are to stay single or get back with BM. It's selfish to bring innocent women into a dysfunctional situation like this.

Yes, but men don't always see their own dysfunction (or are lonely and don't think/care how it will affect their partner), and the women aren't exactly being held captive. They have the option of walking away when they see the dysfunction, they choose not to. Loneliness can be a big motivator (for both the man and the woman) to ignore a lot of stuff and just hope that things will work out.

What I'm seeing here is once you allow someone to tear down your boundaries and devalue you, you actually start devaluing yourself? Noone is worth that. Especially a man with nonexistent boundaries when it comes to his kids and/or BM. Never let a man with no boundaries chip away at your boundaries. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.

I think one part of the problem is that women don't feel right about setting certain boundaries right away, in the beginning of the relationship. They should not fear doing this, as it sets the tone. It shows just how much the man respects you and your boundaries. It's not a romantic conversation, but necessary.

When I started dating DH, one thing I told him was that he was not to call me before 6PM. I needed my time after work to work out and do my thing. In the past, guys had ignored this, and I would skip my workouts for them. I suppose, at the time, I was flattered that they just couldn't wait to talk to me/see me! I finally realized how disrespectful that it was. What once seemed kind of romantic, was really them being rude.

I had other rules/boundaries and DH respected them all. He has never made me not feel valued.

Especially a man with nonexistent boundaries when it comes to his kids and/or BM

DH's boundaries, as far as BM, were relatively new when we first started dating, and the first time he let them slide, I ended it. He figured out real quick how serious I was and that I was willing to walk away from the whole thing.

If the man doesn't already have boundaries with BM (and kids), I think it's hard for a prospective partner to speak up, they feel they don't yet have a right. BUT if he doesn't already have acceptable boundaries in place, by his own choice, it's probably best to move on. Trying to force someone to have them, just doesn't work.

Boundaries with DH and his kids were actually never a problem.

Relationships, as we get older and have more baggage, require more thought and analysis (not sure that's the right word, but...). It's not always very romantic but romance, alone, is not what makes a relationship last, long term. When I think of all of the stupid crap I put up with when I was young, in the name of "romance"...

Yes, but men don't always see

Yes, but men don't always see their own dysfunction (or are lonely and don't think/care how it will affect their partner), and the women aren't exactly being held captive. They have the option of walking away when they see the dysfunction, they choose not to. Loneliness can be a big motivator (for both the man and the woman) to ignore a lot of stuff and just hope that things will work out.

Once a man has been left once by a woman because of the dysfunctional dynamic he has with his kids, then can he really act like he doesn't see his own dysfunction? I think in some of these cases, the men hide the problem thinking the woman won't leave once she finds out the truth. Besides, how can two people have true companionship that is based on a lie? I think most of these men will go from one dead end relationship to another hoping someone will accept the situation.

If the man doesn't already have boundaries with BM (and kids), I think it's hard for a prospective partner to speak up, they feel they don't yet have a right. BUT if he doesn't already have acceptable boundaries in place, by his own choice, it's probably best to move on. Trying to force someone to have them, just doesn't work.

I think you are right about this. A male relative actually told me if a man has an unhealthy relationship with his adult kids, it's like been unhealthy their entire lives. He also said it is likely embedded so deep, the man is willing to do much of anything to change it. So his advice was to never knowingly get involved with someone like that. He said if a woman finds out about the dynamic later, her best bet is just to leave the relationship as soon as possible. He's requiring his kids at about 18-19 to be independent by helping them get a place of their own. He has one left in the nest, but he said as soon as the last one graduates, it's time for him and his wife to enjoy their life as a couple again.

DH's boundaries, as far as BM, were relatively new when we first started dating, and the first time he let them slide, I ended it. He figured out real quick how serious I was and that I was willing to walk away from the whole thing.

How long has the two of you been together when this happened? How long did you remain broken up before giving him another chance?

How long has the two of you

How long has the two of you been together when this happened?

I don't remember, exactly (it was 24 years ago), but it was within the first 6 months.

How long did you remain broken up before giving him another chance?

Again, don't remember, exactly. We weren't broken up for long BUT it was impactful. I completely ignored him during that time. Would not see him, wouldn't answer the door, and would not take his calls. He showed up at my apartment one night, as I was getting out of my car. I still ignored him, at first. I did finally let him in and we talked. By that time, he knew that I was dead serious about what I would and would not put up with as far as his ex. It never happened again.

There was one time that I had to give him some insight into a situation to make him see through her manipulative bullshit but he listened and it went well.

Sometimes, men just have no idea how a conniving woman's mind works. I knew exactly what that bitch was thinking and when I laid it out for him, he knew I was right.

I agree mostly, but balk at

I agree mostly, but balk at the idea that SPs are "innocent" people who get roped into this.

Relationships are hard even in the best and easiest of circumstances. Start piling on baggage - whether it be kids, sick parents, high debt, whatever - and they just get harder. People on all sides need to know their own boundaries, needs, and wants. Sure, you'll never know for certain what will be in store in any relationship until you're there, but there are folks who have spent years and years AND YEARS miserable because they don't have the fortitude we expect out of parents in themselves.

Don't get me wrong - parents NEED to get as much of their sh*t in order before they start dating seriously. But their failure to do so doesn't make those suffering as "innocent". You have to be able to see AND respond to red flags, and if you accept a crappy relationship, you'll keep getting one.

I feel

Like I pick and choose what boundaries I want at different times.

I understand that Husband freaks out about paying more in child support - I estimate that with continuing 50/50, she MIGHT get about $4,000 total extra if she went up for a review in August. If she went for full custody, minimum double that. I also understand that he wants things to be smooth and without her attacking his manhood, and attacking everything. I do. I also know that he doesnt enjoy helping her out with her car.

The fact remains that he does this so that things can continue at status quo. Im not happy with it, but it only sometimes bothers me. Its not worth arguing about at this point.

At this point, if he can make money off Toxic Troll, I can support that. And then take me out to a really nice event or meal with her money.

So, for example, he tends to have connections to used cars that he can resell. She mentioned that she is getting a "settlement" on her workmans comp "head case", and she is looking for another car (hers has been overheating and BMW's do not do well at all with that, so hopefully she will buy a non-BMW car and she can go somewhere else for help) SO - he mentioned that he doesnt want to get involved with it, unless it meant a good profit (more money).

HOWEVER, I do need to remind him that the lure of easy money is what lead to 6 weeks of hounding over tax refund and degrading of my tax prep skills.

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Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.

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