If your husband is saying he is worried about himself.. I would see if he would set up an appt with his DR to discuss what is troubling him.

I would avoid trying to label him as having an "issue" like ADD.. it may make him more resistant to seeking help.

Maybe it's something tempory.. maybe he is just getting harder of hearing.. maybe it's early onset dementia.. or maybe it is some other processing issue.. maybe there is something he could get to help him.

I know it's nice to somehow think there was some "reason" that he allowed things to go the way he did in the past.. but the reality is that it probably wasn't really.. it was just how things happened... and hopefully you and he have been able to manage and get to a good place as a couple.

It seems to me that there are two issues - the first is the symptoms your DH is currently having and about which he has expressed concern.  The sooner he gets assessed for this, the better for both of you, I feel, so personally I'd do whatever pushing is required.  

The second is your wondering about the past and was his possibly undiagnosed ADD making him handle things less than optimally, 20 yrs ago?  I'm not sure what good this kind of wondering is going to do.  My DH handled things abysmally 20 yrs ago, and doesn't have ADD in the mix!   I do understand your feelings, though. 

Since he is aware of these symptoms now is a good time for him to make an appt. to see his dr. If it would help, you can offer to go in w/ him. Usually there's a reason for things changig like that and it might be easily solved. And at an after appt. bring up the ADD. But first see if you can get a handle on this memory issue.

Something to convey to your spouse is that his health should be his own priority.  You can totally be there to support him if he needs it, but it is not your “job” to book his appts, go with him, or state his issues for him. 

You live with him , you know.  There's no cure for this.  With meds and counseling the condition Can get more normal. But he's has to take his meds and work on helping himself.  I don't know if this actually helps the patient or the people around him.

You have to see a Doctor   There are the only ones to give medication, and work on a plan for recovery 

It's the resentment that's the worst for me. I've long suspected ADD but DH dismissed it and I could never get his docs to take me seriously (what do I know, I just live with him). And his failing health means a lot more land on me, including things he can be doing for himself.

While I hate being the room monitor (please clean up this-specific-pile, please put away this-specific thing, please sweep the kitchen floor) it's better than my doing it and being mad about it.

I can't control his crappy diet. If he doesn't eat the fruits and veggies we have in the house, oh well. But I won't listen to him complain about declining health either.

So I hear you. 

Hindsight being 20/20 vision - an oldie but super duper true.

There are SO MANY THINGs that looking back I just really see much more clearly the toxic dynamics and how I got sucked in and how much stress I could have avoided had I seen them as clearly as I do now.

The concern over the lack of memory - get him into a Dr asap. Thats all you can do. Cant change the past its in your rearview mirror.

Geez, there should be a warning label on these men. I guess this is why single senior women are often happier than married.

I can relate to some of what you are dealing with and feeling. Back in the day my DH handled certain aspects with grace and others with denial. He gave in to demands from BM and SD's far more than he should have.

When a senior drinks too much it is hard to know if being stupid comes from being impaired by the drinking and the hangover or if it's dementia. I know that my DH does not tolerate alcohol the way he used to. It is stressful.

We are very physically active and I think being active helps keep the demons at bay. We also eat a healthy diet.

I do think about how as we age everything is going to fall on me more and more and I am not sure how to handle it. I also worry that the adult step-diablas will take every opportunity to swoop in and screw me over. They are the type that would try to claim they should be in control if he is no longer of sound mind and I will have to Shoo them away with our (hopefully) ironclad trust and will.

I don't have much advice but I feel your pain.

I'm still struggling with both issues that you raise. DH does nothing to take care of himself except over-exercise. He hates vegetables and doing any sort of food prep so his diet is abysmal. Last year he got diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and has high cholesterol. He had to have two colonoscopies, with the second one in the hospital to take out a giant polyp. He talked a good game and wanted to eat better and get tested in three months, but his better eating lasted two days. I tried to help but he won't let me. His diet is so bad and his back is bad so he can't go all out in exercise so he has to be in constant motion, mainly walking, to try to work off what he eats, but he just can't. He eats like a picky brat and says things like fish swim in their own toilets or that peanut butter looks like shit. Everything is gross to him. He's walking around with untreated Type 2 Diabetes and high cholesterol and some other alarming symptoms but he's so damn stubborn and refuses to go see the doctor. 

DH caught a really bad bug over a year ago and still has his cough but REFUSES to go to the doctor because last time he went he ended up having two colonoscopies. His sense of smell is impacted, which could be a sign of dementia and he's been forgetting words more and more. A couple of weeks ago I actually went through all of our documents to prepare for his death. I even told him that but he doesn't want to change and I can't make him. He's had a bad back for over 30 years and favours it so he likely created more of an imbalance but refuses to go back to the doctor or chiropractor because over 30 years ago they said the word "surgery." I tried to tell DH that perhaps there have been advances made in medical science but nope! He won't go. He has a niece who got early onset Alzheimers two years ago at age 47. She thinks it's 1986 and can't put her own coat on. Does DH got get checked? Nope!

As far as what might have caused my DH to raise the SKs, especially SD, the way he did, I don't know. I had to let go of what my therapist called, "theory of the week." For whatever reason, DH and SD had a very strange obsession with one another and for some reason DH ended that obsession. I will likely never know what caused the obsession to be what it was and I will likely never know what made DH put an end to it. He's a man of very few words, so I've accepted that he will never speak openly about how he and SD were beyond obsessed with one another or why he stopped the obsession on his part. I think that some things you just have to let go. I think what helped is that I focused on my own healing because I knew that I must have had some major baggage to have landed in such a family. I've been working on forgiving myself more than I have in trying to figure out DH and SD. Before, I went crazy and ruminated trying to figure those two out because I thought if I could figure it out, I could put a stop to it but it doesn't work that way. It's on the person themselves to fix something and work though it. For some reason DH chose to come along with me on a healing journey, but what that reason is, I don't know. 

For me, I used disengagement. I'm there to support DH if he wants to change his health habits but he's a grown man, so I can't make him if he doesn't want to. 

Ir's conflict avoidance and a desire to "not rock the boat" with the royal failed first family.   SMs are expendable in Guilty Daddy's eyes.