Do These Steps Come With A Receipt??????
I think finding this website was divine intervention because this is exactly what I need to keep me from going to the customer service counter and tryin to get a refund on these kids and this marriage!
Now let me set things up for you all. I recently married a wonderful, loving, beautiful, and smart woman. As a result, I inherited 3 kids (SD10, SS13, & SD15) that she had from her previous marriage. Now I came into the marriage with no children. So I went from zero to 3 in one swoop! To put it lightly, I am trying to learn on the job while also resisting the temptation to hit the door running! My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. All conflicts have to do either with the BF or the Steps. **I'm sure all of you can prolly attest to this same fact**
Well a couple of things have gone on in the last few months and I see things slowly starting to become more dramatic and ignorant. For one, my wife is preggo (my FIRST child! Yayyyyy!!) and the Steps are not happy about it. But I'll wait til next time to blog about that. Hmmm, well let's just talk about this one thing that happened over the last week. SS13 has repeatedly brought home terrible grades. He's in real danger of being held back. So DW and I decide to sit him down (for the umpteenth time) and talk to him about how his grades are going to be the reason he is going to have to repeat 8th grade. Well he starts smarting off at me and looking at me like we are two grown men about to come to blows. Please note that all I asked him was "Why don't you do your homework assignments?" Now he and I have a GREAT relationship. So I was really taken aback by him actin' like that. So when he first did it, I put my head down and said a prayer out loud for God to grant me some patience. Well by the second time, I looked at him and said "Look, SS13, don't think that I won't lay hands on you. Cause I will. So consider this a warning. You look at me and talk to me like that again, and I'm layin' them on you, okay? You can be a smart-azz if you want to. But see where it's gonna get you with me."
So after I said it, he was totally okay. I think he was a little surprised that I got with him like that. So the days have gone by and I don't see any signs of any issues. Well come to find out that he told his grandma (DW's mom) that I threatened to hit him and he's going to tell his Dad about it.
WTH????
Okay, my first reaction to DW was "Go ahead and tell him to tell his dad. His dad is not in this house. So he can tell him all day if he wants to. Shoot, I'll dial the number or drive him over so he can tell him in person." DW agreed that she doesn't care if he tells his dad because if his dad thinks that I'm going to be with his son 24/7 and not have to at least "threaten" physical-discipline, he's sadly mistaken. Well this weekend is their dad's weekend to have them and I fully expect SS13 to tell him all about what I said. So this is my question. Should I take the high road and be sensitive to his dad's reaction (assuming he will be pissed that I threatened to hit his child) or should I go ahead and "ride out" by tellin him that he doesn't control what goes on in my household? Now of course my reaction will prolly depend on how he comes at me about it. If he comes at me ignorantly, then I just might have to get w/ him on it. If not, then I might try to be a little understanding and explain to him my point of view.
So a little advice on this kind of situation would be greatly appreciated. Again, I'm a newbie at this. Has anyone ever had to deal with something like this? If so, what'd you do about it?
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Comments
that's a tough one
First of all- welcome. This is a tough one. I would let your DW handle it. If she is ok with you disciplining SS then I wouldn't worry about it too much. In reality you are there with Skids 24/7 and you and your wife shouldn't let BD tell you what you can and can't do in your own house.
On the other hand I know that my H would be furious if BM's boyfriend spanked SD, but threatening isn't the same thing. H has never spanked SD EVER so I'm sure that would be why he was mad b/c he doesn't do it so why should anybody else have the right? He wouldn't let her get away with bad behavior regardless of who is disciplining her though. As long as you and DW agree on punishment BD is going to have to accept it.
Hello, and welcome...
Me, personally, be yourself. Don't compromise in your home. It's your home, your rules, they need to get over that. However, I would suggest that you use alternative methods as much as possible, because there are ways to handle things diplomatically without being physical... but there certainly are times when a pop on the mouth is called for too! You're going to have to use your best judgment. Use a three strikes warning, or something like that, visual warnings work great too. As corny as it may be... get some big X's to put on a wall, white board, frig, etc. Those are visual clues and teach what boundaries can't be pushed- three strikes... you out!
My SS also has been slipping in his grades, and I haven't been quite involved in his schoolwork, mainly because of his Mom. However, recently, I went to his school, talked with his teacher, and got a different perspective than what my DH told me.
One issue that I think might be going on is a power struggle. Did you W live alone with the kids for a while, he may have felt like 'the man of the house' during that time, and now, he's not sure where he 'fits in' in the family unit. I would not compromise your 'position' for him to his father... it's your home, your rules... so be it. He will learn that there are rules to follow here, just as there are different rules to follow at school.
The other thing about the grades...
My SS is struggling with his grades. It has NOTHING to do with school, it's all about the changing dynamics going on within his life... mom's house, dad's house... it's a mess in a child's eye. My best advice is instead of coming down on him, use a different approach- if he's still struggling in school, the methods being used are clearly not working, so you have to get a little more down and dirty, even sit with him and physically help him with school work. It's all about organization at this age. Start getting involved with him at the school level. Also, take him out and do something physical- just you and him- bite the bullets that he will shoot- but be persistent, consistent and he'll open up more easily. You may find what's bothering him and where he needs help at.
OldTimer
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."
the dad has no control over what goes on in your home
unless there is bad stuff/abuse going on towards his kids. About the kids finding out you and DW are expecting- my skids weren't happy at all to find out that DH and I were expecting either. This didn't work for us, because of their mother's feeding them lies about how their dad "won't love or need them any more now that the baby is coming", but it might for you and DW- try to sit the kids down and tell them the new baby will not change how much you love them. Let your DW lead the discussion and allow them to politely voice their feelings. Tell them what they can expect to change in their routine (i.e. they will have to help out around the house more, and you and DW won't be able to spend as much 1-on-1 time with each of them), but let them know that even though they won't have 1-on-1 time with you or DW as often, they'll still have it. I agree with OldTimer that a great idea is for you to sit down with SS and help him with his schoolwork and to go out and do something physical-i.e. play basketball- with him. Maybe you and DW could come up with a reward system for him- for each week you both see an improvement in his schoolwork, he gets something small that he likes (i.e. a DVD, small gift certificate to a store he likes, iTunes, or restaurant he likes), and when the year ends, and his grades have gone up, he could get something huge, like a Wii, new iPod, or something else that is expensive that he has been wanting.
audacity
If the dude had the audacity to comment I would laugh my ass off. I would tell him, we can play it anyway that you want to play it, Bottom line you are going to pay child support until he graduates and if you want to pay an extra year have at it.
never
Never touch the child. Even if you want to and you have to walk away never do it. Thats a bucket of worms no one wants to take the lid off of. Its impossible to live in a house with steps and not live in a supervisory capacity or other wise they are going to walk all over you. Just so you know little boys usually have issues when their mommie makes someone else the priority and he may struggle for quite a while especially since their is a baby on the way. You are very brave taking on 3 steps so good luck.
WELL
Welcome Mike!! Boy -whata bite you have taken-
Just some thoughts:
SS 13 and you established a friendship (that was good)
IMHO - ( your role as SF is "Benevolant Uncle")-I could be wrong
I have raised two "Cowboy Sons" alone-but what do I know....read some previous blogs if you are interested.
Your DW is doing the best she can-but (shoot me now) pregnant or not -she needs to discipline SS13 on her own with XH-
Any chance you can go back to Benevolant Uncle again.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
The threat of telling...
The mere threat of telling BM on me makes me laugh. In fact, I put an end to it by suggesting it. I removed the power from them. My skids would run back to BM in whispered tones about different situations. Then they and BM would have a BitchFest about me. This only fueled it for me because I am the one doing all of the work while she conveniently forgets that she's got kids. So, when I would say my piece on a particular subject that I knew that they did not like I would remind them "Oh and don't forget to tell BM!" They would look on in shock like how did I know. THing is that they eventually stopped running to "tell" on me. Well that and my also informing them that BMs name wasn't on anything at 1234 Street other than their Birth Certificates and therefore she did not nor could not dictate what goes on in my home.
That is a tough situation. Teenaged boys are difficult in general. I'm sure that it is not any easier with their mom re-marrying and having a baby. Handle your business. Set out some ground rules for the house and respect and what have you. DW needs to be the loudest voice in doing so. But I will say this, SS12 is at that stage where he is smelling the funk under his armpits and wants to question authority. He tries to challenge me every chance he gets and he was always a sweet and loving kid. Teenagers are just hard.
As far as BF goes I would try to come from a let's get along attitude. I would explain the level of disrespect and how the kid is totally slacking and how you feel that it is unacceptable but if they want you to back off, you will as long as everyone understands that you will be respected. Yea you've got a doozy there. Good Luck. Oh and Welcome.
People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be painful. ~ME :->
Yep, it's those PHONKY
Yep, it's those PHONKY armpits!!! LOL!! That's all it is. He's just starting to feel himself. Every male does it.
I like your attitude tho'. If you pay the cost to be the boss, then no one else has any major say in what goes on under that roof. As long as no one is getting abused or mistreated, then the non-custodial parent needs to back off.
I'll definitely do my best to get along. I think that's best for all parties involved.
"Being a step-parent is a lesson in humility & passivity....Yeah, I think that's a class I'm gonna SKIP!!!!" :0)
Wow... The only thing I can
Wow...
The only thing I can think to tell you is what I told my step dad when he took on my mom, and her 4 kids.
Youre NUTS! I said it in a nice way. I was 12. And Im glad he was nuts.
I repeated this statement when my BIL took on my sister and her 3 boys. Your Fn NUTS! His patience has been pushed very far. He did have to assert himself with the boys number of times. Men are like animals in the wild when they live together. Always a fight for dominance. You cant loose it or you wont get it back.
Yep, that's how I feel.
Yep, that's how I feel. He's 13. It's natural for him to try to test the waters and push the envelope a lil bit. I know I did it w/ my Dad. When I did it, I remember gettin dropped on the floor like some dead weight. But that taught me to NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER try him w/ his authority. It's a matter of respect for the fact that he was the man of that household. Not to mention the fact that he was responsible for my existence and well-being.
"Being a step-parent is a lesson in humility & passivity....Yeah, I think that's a class I'm gonna SKIP!!!!" :0)
I think you have the right
after just 6 months of dating my H was forcing me to put SD in time outs (she was 3 1/2 now almost 10). And once BM got married last year he told her that the new SF better step up and take some control. My SD is way out of control and needs some stern disapline from a man. And my H knows if he is not in the house to do it SF better step up.
Of course in my situation, BM won't let SF do ANY sort of control over SD.
From a StepDad
I raised a SD from the age of 5 through age 17. Everything was really great until she hit the 8th grade and it was a big struggle from then on. Unfortunately her very absent and single biofather started at this point promising every possible expensive toy to SD, but only if she would move in with him which is far away from us. Also, biofather started a relentless parental alienation critcizing her mother and me, and it eventually all worked. SD moved out in a rage at 17 and we were devastated. I was a very loving father only getting firm when I had to to hold limits. One never knows how stepkids will turn out with all the other outside family competition (poison) going on. We have no other children.
I found an article that will be extremely valuable to you. It is so very accurate.
Please take a read and let us know what you think. You have a great challenge ahead and I wish you the best! I have learned so much being a step-parent. Unfortunately it is the nice loving step-parents that make the best targets for abuse by stepchildren. So it goes!
Please see this article link: http://www.jeanhantman.com/stepfamily_psychology.html
Cheers!
Thank you for the article
myself and my family have always said that their was something wrong with SD. She had bonded with no one except her BM. She is incapable of loving or treating another human kindly--she just manipulates them and uses them to her advantage. Then tosses them to the side. I did not have a name for it, but now I do. I am going to show this to my H. I wish I could show BM this to explain why SD lies about me but I know that she won't read it or turn it around to make me look bad.
An example that just popped into my head--
I was telling SD at the kitchen table that it was wrong to lie about me, that I know longer trust her. That lying is wrong, we usually always catch her (I am sure she gets a few by). And SD says " I lie to my BM all the time!" and laughed and laughed. I told my H she said this, he said he heard. Then he called BM right then to tell her what SD said. BM says well who did she tell this to, H says SM. BM says well ok thats all I needed.
Of course she didn't believe it or care since SD told me. Since BM believes I am the liar and SD is the angel.
WOW! I read the article
WOW! I read the article that you recommended. My husband has been saying all along that he thinks that because his daughter cannot blame him or hate him, that she is passing those feelings along to me. He isn't even a psychologist! So, MB, just do what is best for YOUR house! I knocked myself out to make my sd happy and then when the truth started showing it's ugly head as far as she was concerned, I was devasted that all I did for her didn't matter. She was going to end up hating me and blaming me.