When will DH ever stop wanting me to fix the estrangement with his family.?
Again tonight DH brings up the mess with his family. A bunch of gaslight talk about how time is passing and how long will this all go on? How he doesn't feel comfortable going to his family events by himself...how he wants to talk to me about a solution. Which means I am supposed to fix it all. I held my ground that perhaps when they own up to what they all have done then maybe I would agreed to meet in a neutral place. Not on a holiday or birthday event.
It went round and round...he didn't want to keep discussing if all I had was negatives to say. I tried to express how I felt...but guess I am not allowed in his mind if it is not positive.
I am not going to his folks with him for Thanksgiving. And he will not bother to tell me his plans till last minute. If I get invited to anywhere else then maybe I will go.
He says he will not go to future events or visits for my family. Like he is trying to punish me. Whatever. I will be fine visiting on my own.
He is becoming very difficult to want to be around. He works all the time. All the time! No time at home without work talk or interruptions. No way to schedule days off without some work drama.
I don't know where the man I married went to. DH is just depressed and testy all the time with me. I am sick of it.
I don't even know how to have fun anymore. Anytime I am around him it is just misery.
I told him MSD would be happy to know she is still coming between us three years after the train wreck havoc she brought into our lives.
Just wanted to vent. Have been so sad and down lately. Have to see a lawyer for a work related issue on Monday, someone claimed credit for a mural I painted....maybe will ask some family issue stuff too. Still do not have a will.
I told DH tonight to just not mention any of their names to me again unless I have received an apology from them first. I did not make or raise those three selfish adult brats. Not my job to fix them or the situation.
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Maybe you should go. Set out
Maybe you should go. Set out your boundaries and tell him that as soon as one is crossed you're leaving.
Then if anything happens you just get up and leave. Tell him on the way out that you tried and this is why you didn't want to come in the first place.
Use the time with the lawyers
Use the time with the lawyers to chat about the lack of a will first. If anything happens to you, who gets the rights to your work etc. Sorry I am an artist-advocate in that my Grandmother taught art in NYC for 40 years, I'm a wannabe. I have a painting that she painted in the 1940's hanging in my bedroom === 6 ft black nude woman. Seriously. LMAO at my G-Ma's love of curves.
There is a sacredness to what you produce and I would not want that shared with your Steps --- especially after events a year or so ago, even vicariously through DH's estate.
Estrangement is not a one-way street. You are not some Princess-of-the-Realm...you're a wife/mom with sincere beefs. Your DH may have a good intent, but he sounds as if he is going about it all wrong. The not telling you his plans is childish and disrespectful.
To be fair, sometimes all of us bow-up-our-necks on the principle of "right," and loose sight of the end result that we want.
Sorry that you're feeling sad and alone right now.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies.
I sometimes wish I could go and be at his side for events. Yet enough has happened at such events in the past that I do not feel safe doing so. I have extreme anxiety just thinking about it. I can't get all the stuff out of my head and even though I went to counseling and have read tons of stuff about step family issues and joined this forum, I still have stress that internalizes. What have my DH and the SD's done to resolve anything? Nothing...but gaslight me to caving in on my self preservation.
He admittedly martyrs himself by not seeing them and the Gskids much on his own. He gets 6 weeks vacation time a year. I tell him all the time to go spend time with them all. I say maybe if I see you are having a great time I will want to join you. He says don't tell him what to do. Well I wasn't...I was making a suggestion...take it or leave it. He tries to say he doesn't make plans with them because it may interfere with plans I make. Bullshit. I say if you make plans with them and give me the courtesy of some notice then no problem. He goes round and round in his gaslight bus and gets nowhere.
As for the work thing, yes he is unhappy. We are both unhappy. He is stressed with work because of changes in the company and instability there. He is worried that if he doesn't do everything that he will be let go. Lots of the original employees to the company have been since the company was bought several years ago. He has been in the business over 30 years. He is getting a few years from retirement age and winding down. Also he is on borrowed time from an organ transplant in 2007. He does not listen when I tell him to find some balance between work and personal time. He has no hobbies, no male friends to hang with. Pretty much a loner. Yet can't visit his own family unless I go along.
I do need to talk about my will with a lawyer. I would not want any of my art work falling into the steps hands should I precede him. I have in trust for accounts for my savings that will go to my kids. It was funds from the sale of my house. I do not have retirement savings or any other assets of value besides the home DH and I built together and some of my house sale money went towards. My home is of my own design as is the grounds. I would not want any of the SD's in my sanctuary. It is all too complicated. I think all the SD's were waiting for him to die in 2007 and were disappointed that he lived. They have mentioned as much in texts to him about my name being on the mortgage and such.
I plan to do my own thing awhile and let it go. We are the same zodiac birth sign...Cancer. The crab gets us both at times and I think we need some space. I do not plan to bend my standards to suit his entitled spoiled kids. For without ones principles...what are we?
You cannot fix things with