NEW HERE

I am new to this site. I came across it while searching for something (not really sure what) to help me cope with my situation.

Here is my background...I met my current boyfriend about 3 years ago. Things were great when we first met. His son was still in high school and daughter was graduated. We dated, but did not move in together because his son was a senior in high school about ready to graduate. He graduated and then he and his sister moved into an apartment together (with the financial help of my boyfriend). This did not last long because SS and SD could not get along, constantly calling us fighting, sometimes physically. So anyway the ended up being evicted, because SS quit his job and could not find another one. By this time my boyfriend and I had moved to another town and moved in together. Things were going good. His son hae moved with his aunt and his daughter had found a place to live with friends. The SS lived with his aunt for a while, but then starting wearing on her, wouldnt get a job, just laid around all day and played video games. He then moved in with my boyfriend and me and my 2 bio sons. Well this did not last long either. He did the same things, stayed up all night playing video games and talking on the phone and sleeps all day. He did not clean up after himself, never contributed to any of the household chores, unless forced. Found a job at a local grocery store, but lost it due to repeated failure to show up.So he moved in with his BM, this only lasted a few months because again he "couldn't" find a job and he and his mom's new husband didnt get along. So now he is back with us, since the day after Christmas. His mother just brought him up and dropped him off...no warning. SS has been in our house since December and once again is back to his sleeping all day and playing video games or talking on the cell phone all night. He states he has tried to find a job but can't. I am literally at my wits end with this adult(he is now 20)constantly lying around our house while my boyfriend and I both work 2 jobs.

It is nice to come to this site and realize that I am not alone, that I am not the evil one...maybe its not all my fault!

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Welcome!

"SS has been in our house since December and once again is back to his sleeping all day and playing video games"

OMG that SS of yours could be the future- mine! :O

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Thanks Endora!

He has no motivation and no consequences for not finding a job. He has "talked" about joining the Marines, but I truly think this is only to make my boyfriend happy...to keep him from having to actually find something.

Thanks Endora!

Yes he says he is out looking for a job, but I really dont believe him. Why go out and look for something when my boyfriend will continue to allow him to do nothing with no consequences whatsoever.

Make

him move out and go on social assistance its time he grew up that is why i am getting annoyed with my 16 year old ss i dont want this to happen.

I want

to but of course my boyfriend will not do it. We argue constantly about this and pretty much everything else because I am so frustrated with the whole situation. My boyfriend's response is always "how do you want me to make him"

OMG

Your boyfriend sounds just like my dh.My ss wont even use an alarm clock in the morning to get up!!For gods sake he is an adult your boyfriend needs to let go and send him out into the wild to become a man and fend for himself.So what happens when he is 30 are you still going to support him ask your boyfriend that.

yes

I ask my boyfriend constantly what he is going to do with a 30 year old child who wont work. He says it wont come to that. I disagree. I think he will support SS20 for the rest of his life. But I will not deal with that for very long.

I am

just so frustrated over this whole situation and I have been trying to keep my opinions to my self about SS20, but boyfriend does not hold his tongue about things he dislikes about my BS11. I know it sounds very tit for tat but I should be able to voice my dislike as well. My boyfriend complains about little things about my BS11, like forgetting to put his bookbag in his room. I feel my concerns with SS20 are much more urgent and warranted.

your boyfriend

Has probably been guilt parenting all along and that is why your ss wont leave because he doesnt know any better.Daddy will be there to catch him when he falls everytime and that is worse then being a neglectful parent is a guilty parent.

we have

discussed this and he admits he feels guilty about not being there the whole time his son was growing up. But he just cant see that he is doing more harm to SS20 by letting him act this way than the harm he would do by making him leave and fend for himself.

my boyfriend

is paying for the cell phone. This has been a big issue with me...i think the thing should be taken away or shut off, but boyfriends response is "how will he find a job then?". As for the video games...well that is a whole other issue. See SS20 got money for christmas and instead of saving it he went an bought an XBOX 360. AND my boyfriend allowed him to hook up the internet to it after we specifically talked about it and decided not to give him any more reason to stay in his room (which is my entire basement).

oh the memories

Your BF and my H must have both attended the same Training Session for the Completely Spineless!

I, too, argued for a couple of years that H's adult brats should pay for their own cell phones. I was accused of being mean and cruel. Our bill was about $600/month!

I used to hear the same thing from H "If I cancel my adult brat's cell phone, he can't get a job."

And, when the adult brat was in jail, H told me "If I cancel my adult brat's cell phone, how will he call his probation officer?"

And, "If I cancel adult brat's cell phone, how will he call me?"

And, the standard, "What will adult brat do if there is an emergency?"

Good luck--after two years of enormous bills and H's rationalizations that his adult kids were essentially retarded, I finally cut off the adult brats from our phone plan. I am mean and cruel.

Have employers call the

home phone. Or BFs phone. FSS does not need his own phone if he can't pay the bill IMO.

Welcome

Glad you found us. I remember what search brought me here. It was "I hate my kids." I used to think it was "I hate my SD" because that was the post my search brought up. But a few months ago I found a bookmark for the search I saved so I could look for other sites at the time.

Hope things improve for you. In the meantime welcome "home."

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Thank you!

I have never hated any child....but I can honestly say I detest this kid. I know he is 20 but in my mind you act like a child, playing video games and talking on phone all the time, you will be treated like a child. My BS11 is more mature and responsible than SS20.

If he wants

to be treated like a child take his xbox away from him and disconnect the internet.

yes

that was exactly my response, but boyfriend thinks that because SS20 bought it with his "own" money we have no right to take it away from him.

exactly....

but what i am mostly starting to wonder is how long do you put up not only the the SS being this way, as well as disrespectful but how long do you put up with the boyfriend being the enabler?

Welcome, I too

remember what brought me here, like Sita over a year ago! I have found some great people here and even better advice, so I hope it will help you as much!!

You cant

change somebody who doesnt want to be changed have you seeked counselling with your boyfriend?

no...

he is not open to counseling.

i have been

contemplating leaving. I am by no means saying by boys are perfect, they cause trouble too. BUT they know action and consequence. They know they must help with chores and they get up everyday and go to school, do homework, play baseball in a league and are active children.

Then

you should seek counselling at least he sees his error of being a guilty parent but i think you talking to him doesnt do any good it needs to be an outsider of your relationship to let him know he is wrong.

He will

not go to counseling. He thinks SS20 will get his act together and everything will be okay. But in the meantime I am losing respect for boyfriend because he allows SS to be disrespectful to me. SS b-day was end of january. I went a bought him a cake and a card and he had the nerve (in front of me) to say "Thanks DAD" never thanks to me. I would never allow my boys to do this to anyone.

Even

if you got a family member to talk to him a brother maybe?

Thats a whole

another issue. Boyfriend does not socialize with my family. I wouldnt say he doesnt like them, but he only goes around them for holidays thats it. And his sister is just like him with her kids.(should have been a clue to begin with)

I can

see if he was making an effort and trying to get on his own 2 feet but hes not.Tell your boyfriend you have had enough and you are prepared to leave.

Thats what

I have been working up the courage all day to do. I will write tomorrow and fill you in. I truly APPRECIATE all of your advice and comments. It is nice to feel like you are not alone!! I am soooooooo glad I found this site and hope to make some wonderful friends here!!

do you

and boyfriend have mutual friends with kids?Maybe they can talk some sense into him?I know i had a issue with sd and my dh was not listening to me so his friend came over one day and talked some sense into him telling him he was being out of line.

unforntately,

no we dont. He has his friends and I have mine. I have never even met his best friend.

Rent half brothers for your

Rent half brothers for your BF to watch. It's about 2 39 and 40 year old guys that still live with their parents. Seriously, you need to put a time limit on this thing...tell your BF that if his son doesn't get a job and move out in 6 months (or whatever) you and your sons are leaving.

You are here

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