Not every birth mother is a sorry ass, good for nothing, crazy ass, insane, childish person with an agenda. My ex tried to present me that way in order to justify his having an affair, seeking greener grass, having a mid-life crisis..... whatever. In the end, the truth was evident to everyone, even his family.

There is no handbook on "How to graciously co-exist with your ex's new spouse who you don't know being involved in your kids' life." It's difficult.

Some things make it more difficult, such as when the new spouse is the woman with whom he committed adultery.

However, even under the best of circumstances.... the divorce being for "irreconcilable differences"..... plenty of time pass between relationships to give everyone time to grieve and recover..... even then, it would be difficult as a mother to trust someone you don't know to have a huge involvement and influence in your child's life. I can check out the credentials of a teacher, I know they had to have a criminal background check to get their job, and they are only in a kid's life for a year. When the baby daddy gets married, this person is being brought into the children's lives, in a very influential position, for life, and the mom often knows nothing about this person...

Of course it's difficult!

I've seen women on here upset b/c birth mom contacted them.

I've seen women on here upset b/c birth mom didn't contact them.

I've seen women on here upset by things that I had done when I was in the BM's place, and assume it's because the BM has some "out to get me" attitude....

I've seen women on here ask "why would s/he......??" And I knew why I had done the exact same action....

and it wasn't with malice.

Everyone is different.

Some birth moms described on here are obviously unstable.... some might genuinely be trying to do what's best for their child.

The intro to STEPMONSTER talks about how there is all kinds of material about what's best for the kids, what's good for emotional recovery from divorce, but there really isn't a lot about the needs of step parents. And as my kids mom, I was reading about and following the advice to do what's best for them... that was my job. It never occurred to me that it might be hurtful to his new wife because I was focused on what would be good for my kids. I meant no harm by it... it was my job to advocate for my kids and do what was best for them.

I find that it is always best to assume the best possible motive until that has been proven wrong. It makes for a more peaceful spirit, and a more positive outlook on life in general....