Step daughter is overweight, what can we do?
According to ALL of the child growth websites I found my SD 3 1/2 is considered obese! She is 3ft 2in tall and weights 40 pounds! My daughter is 14months old and is in the 50-75th percentile for both her height and weight (and is perfect according to the charts) and she and SD eat exactly the same thing when they are both here. So why is SD the only one who is unhealthy? SD doesn't look obese, but she does look overweight. She has HUGE thighs covered in cellulite, her tummy is covered in cellulite and she has boobs and a small double chin. When she is with us she eats whole grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy, protein, and has VERY minimal junk food, and my DH walks SD and our daughter to the park everyday while I am making dinner and they stay outside playing for at least an hour. We don't take her to the doctor, her mother does, this makes me think that her mother should be the one concerned about her daughters weight since the doctor should have told her that her daughter is overweight. Even if the doctor hasn't told her that SD is overweight she should be changing what she feeds her and when based on how SD's body looks, you can see that she isn't a healthy weight. Yet everytime my DH drops SD off to her mother at 7pm her mother buys her a donut, or cookie, or tells her that there is some sort of treat at home for her to have. She has already eatten dinner at our house and 7pm is when she should be getting ready for bed not eatting crap. Why are you feeding your fat child sugary junk right before bedtime!!!!!
My question is what should my husband and I do? I hate how much she is at my house as it is (every Tues and Wed and everyother weekend) but I know that we would be able to get her 50/50 if we brought SD's health into the custody battle. Should I stop being selfish and have my DH go for more time with her so she can be healthier? Or should he just go for everyother weekend to make my life better? (everyother weekend is the other option because she cries all the time when she is with us no matter what we do, so DH thinks it would be easier for her if she wasn't bounced back and forth everyweek and only came to our house everyother weekend) I am torn between SD's health and my happiness. HELP!
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That's a tough one
That's a tough one Krazy...even if you have your SD 50% of the time, her diet & exercise at her mother's would still affect her overall health...has your DH tried talking to BM about it? I would think that it's something that SHE (BM) needs to sort out sooner rather than later, otherwise, SD's health is bound to get worse. I don't believe that she (BM) can be forced into doing better by her child's health though...it's a difficult situation, for sure.
personally I would worry
personally I would worry about the child. As adults we have a responsibility to worry about a child's health and welfare even if it isn't our own.
How long has she been bounced around? if it is fairly new she may just need time to adjust.
She has had visitation with
She has had visitation with with her father and I everyother weekend since she was 8months old, and the two days a week were added almost 2 years ago. She used to be great with us all the time, it seems that the older she gets the worse she gets
I know her mother and DH's mother are saying things to her that make her not want to be with us. When she was too young to understand what people said to her she loved us, but as she has gained more communication skills she has spent more and more of her time crying at our house.
It also something that should
It also something that should be talked to a Dr. about as at that age Fat is still a very necessary part of their diet for healthy development. Further, based on her build and family history the charts can be very deceiving. My DS1 for instance saw a Dr. who declared him severaly overweight. I cried, I screamed, I threw out all food in house and in general lost my mind until his normal Dr. got back from vaction and showed me all of his growth records and my family's history (as he had been my mothers & my dr. as well). He reassured me that he was completly normal for a child that was going to grow to be about 6'5" with what will likely be a large frame but not fat build.
I think DH should first go see her Dr. and see what he/she has to say. They can provide him with far more advice and if necessary actually show him that his daughter is in danger.
Our BM firmly believes that
Our BM firmly believes that potatoes and corn with every meal are the only "vegetables" ever created. These are the ONLY side dishes that were ever invented!!!!
I am not joking.
But, don't get me wrong - I loves me some potatoes and corn!! I just will ALWAYS have something green on the plate - ALWAYS! We reserve potatoes and corn, along with tons of other stuff, for special occasions - like Thanksgiving, or occasional eating out buffet style.
My DH is a diabetic, and SD12 who is slightly chunky, will be predisposed to having the disease too, as it runs in DH's family. So, we really watch our carb intake around here. We hardly EVER have baked potatoes anymore, maybe a few times a year (sad, I know
). My SD12 will eat a GIANT baked potato if we made them anymore, and leave virtually everything else on her plate untouched.
I am usually the same way
I am usually the same way when it comes to the health charts. This is the first time I have ever felt like I should use one as a reference point. My step daughter was smaller when she was born (7 pounds) and her mom's family is petite (BM is chunky with small bone structure). Once her mom started her on formula she chunked up but once she became a toddler and started walking (15months old) she lost the huge rolls and looked healthy. It has been since our relationship with DH's mother went to sh*t 3 months ago that SD has packed on the weight and started to look "fat" (She has gained 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks alone but not gotten any taller). Before that she always looked healthy and was active when she was with us. In the last 3 months she has gotten out of breath after hardly any activity, her behaviour has changed (she cries all the time when she is with us) and the only thing she wants to do is sit and watch tv. I only allow the girls 1hour per day and she cries when the tv gets turned off and asks if she can go sit in her room.
It would be great if we could talk to BM about this but now that MIL is a part of HER life instead of ours she has decided that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She and DH have always had a bad relationship, even when they were dating. The only reason DH stayed with her was because he wanted to be there for his daughters birth. They have a LOT of trouble communicating without BM getting her back up and her claws out, that is why I used to be the one to talk to her, she seemed to get along with me more than DH. She always does whatever she can to fight with DH no matter what he says. Now that she has done a 180 and refuses to even speak to me I don't know how DH would be able to approach her with this. She is the type of person who will do something more just because someone she doesn't like told her it is bad. We are afraid that if he tries to talk to her about what SD is eatting with her she will give her even more sugary crap and McDonalds than she already does.
Since we already have a court date coming up in less than a month DH thinks it should just be brought up then in order to secure more time for him with SD, and ensure that we have a little more influence over her diet and activity. I don't want to have her here more than I already do, but I don't want to stand in the way of her having a more healthy lifestyle.
Both the boys are
Both the boys are underweight. I think they inheritated their dad's metabolism. Otherwise, they would be OBESE. Their mom takes them to burger king EVERY DAY and they do absolutely nothing at her house. She doesn't want to go outside to monitor them, so they don't go outside. She also feeds them pop tarts for breakfast for breakfast EVERY SINGLE day. She's been feeding SS2 poptarts since he was 9 months old.
BM is in pretty bad shape herself. I would not say she is obese at all, but she's pretty chunky and obviously does not exercise. I am actually surprised that she is not in worse shape considering her diet. I'd have to guess she has a pretty fast metabolism as well.
I would schedule a doctor's visit that DH attends and speak with a doctor about it. Then, I would send an email (that you document) regarding your concerns. It would be even better if the doctor would consent to a meeting wherein s/he told BM that SD's diet needs to change.
Then, when it doesn't change, I think you have a pretty strong case for neglect or abuse. If SD has documented health problems and BM does not address them, then she is in trouble.
Also, the less time she spends with BM the less of a pain she will be when she is at your house. Rather than shying away from her visitation because she is a pain, I would try to fix the problem now. She is only 3, and things are going to get alot worse for the next 15 years if you don't try to fix the issue.
Thank you for the feed back.
Thank you for the feed back. It is ultimately up to DH what he wants to do about this but I will let him know what all of you have suggested. Hopefully everything works out for the best.
Same
Ugh we have the same situation with my 14 year old stepdaughter. Obese. Pre diabetes. Mom is obese too and just feeds her absolute junk. It's a losing battle. Husbands talked to her but no chances. It's hard but i kind of think it's not my battle even though I'm always the one taking her to dr check ups etc.