I'm the veteran BM & SM of 5 reliving my steplife as I read the posts.  Many of you have mini-wives, i have one, too.  Only difference is mine is 58 years old.  This is a cautionary tale about how that dynamic can end up.

DH & SD were always close.  She was his first, looked like him & is his only daughter.  They bonded more closely when BM left.

SD was always indulged more than the other kids, her own horse & new sports car at 16, for example.  But it went further than objects.  She lied, manipulated & got the other children in trouble.  He'd yell & threaten but never follow thru with any consequences.

In her teens, she moved back & forth between BM & us.  Now that I'm on Steptalk, i realize that this was just another instance of no consequences.  She never had to come to terms with a parent's boundaries, she'd just move.  We were mistakenly in rescue mode, "Poor SD". She moved in here 3 or 4 times, each time bringing chaos, disruption & trouble.  Of course, she resented me & did whatever she could to cause trouble between DH & me, often successfully.  She was sly, cunning & stteet-smart.   Part of me hated her, part of me pitied her.  In good moments, I'd think, "She's our survivor daughter".

We sent her to cosmetology school & she got her license.  She married twice & had 3 kids.  Both husbands divorced her for infidelity.  She's always in "grass is greener" mode, looking for a man with more money.  I think she keeps looking for a new "Dad", a man who will indulge her & expect nothing in return.

After her second divorce, things went downhill.  She was barely working, using drugs & acting like a zombie.  She was down to 100 lb.  We had an intervention - didn't help.

As she moved from apartment to apartment, we ended up paying more: car payments, utilities, insurance, etc.  We weren't the only ones, she " borrowed" from siblings, her own kids & friends, too, using guilt trips, pity parties, whatever worked.

The situation became more dire.  She has some physical issues & was able to get disability.  I went to one doctor appointment & testified that her comprehension, judgment & memory were severely impaired ( imo from drugs). Our survivor daughter was gone.

She was homeless & ended up.moving back here, a nightmare of drug use,  lying, theft & "night creeping".  DH could see it, we were living it, but he couldnt/wouldnt stop it.  We finally decided on a plan to subsidize her living elsewhere.  I told him if he ever let her move in again, id l eave him.  We separated our finances.  I told him what id pay & not a penny more.  This agreement has been a godsend.

So now, SD is 58.  She has poor physical & mental health, no job, no money.  She has no teeth (dentures) & her looks are gone.  She has used every human she ever came in contact with so has no friends or family who will take her calls but DH.  My 82-year old DH worries, what will happen to SD?  He has stage 4 prostate cancer, he should worry.

He's a responsible & generous man.  BM had good intentions.  But BM taught SD to exploit him & he taught SD to respect no one but him.

Do I think SD is evil? No, inside, i think she's still the waif- like child I met long ago.  She seems confused by the turn her life has taken.  She just does not get it that her actions have long- lasting consequences.

If you have a mini-wife wife, i feel sorry for you.  If you are counting the days until she ages out, think about it.  The mini-wife dynamic is bad for everybody but especially the girls.