Doesn't sound to me like you should be involved with someone who has a child, atleast not seriously. My advice would be if you want to continue dating this man, don't marry & keep your own place. That way you have a choice to spend time with his son if you want but not obligated to. Maybe one day you'll feel differently, he sounds like a nice kid who comes from a good mother, which is a blessing as a step mom!

joanie, I too was never interested in children - I think I told my mother so about 3 years before I even met my husband. I also convinced him to get snipped when I was 33 - so no kids for us.

Turns out that I deal pretty well with being a female role model to a teenager. It helps A LOT that she's a sweet girl who is smart and actually listens.

What are your issues? Lack of discipline on his part? Just the weirdness of having a child in the house? I know it's really strange to have to put a child's needs first, when you've been living either on your own or with another adult who can take care of himself.

Like everybody else, I urge you to take it slow. Don't jump in, don't get financially dependent on his household. Have that escape route.

Good luck!

I'm not a "kid centric person" either by nature and neither were my parents. Definitely NOT the coochie coo type. Ironically I find some of the WORST coddling mothers of the coochie coo sort are THE worst parents as they have an inability to see past infancy in their own children and DESIRE the mother/infant bond well past the appropriate age. I have two grown children who were parented traditionally by me and thus they have respect for adults, manners, etc. that the children of coochie coo types may not have (and often do not, due to the "awwww isn't that so cuuuuuute that junior curses like a sailor" syndrome)

Some red flags here:

Loose court order/lack of court order
That needs to be buttoned up, b/c you never know when the BM, when finding out about YOU goes into Parental Alienation mode (most juvenile BMs do which is growing at an increasingly alarming rate)

You said he's not the "kids first" type; this has a double meaning. A lot of "kids first" types translate this to mean that the kids takes on a surrogate spouse personna and not that kid's needs, (food clothing shelter) come first which is what "kids first" is intended to mean.

Hopefully your BF is not the type to just dump his kid off with you so he can go hunting, fishing, etc. You'll need to find this out. Also what is his financial situation? How does he feel abou discipline issues?

Lots of stuff to consider. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. Sort all this out first. The best move would be to find yourself a nice childfree man who wants to remain childfree. A much better fit.

joanie
I too am child free and love it, his kids visit (yes visit) and it is still difficult at times. Clearly if he had partial or full custody we would not be living together. I would definitely talk to him and have a clear understanding of boundaries and his parenting style before moving in together. Even though my guy is a wonderful man (which is the ONLY reason I tolerate a greedy Ex wife and 2 kids who have no personality) It isn't easy but if you have an understanding first it can be done. I like my privacy and do not let kids in our bedroom or use our bathroom, I prefer they use the hall bath. I also am not involved with pick ups or drop offs unless we are going somewhere and I need to go with him to take them home: I do not watch them, if he is busy then they do not come: His kids his responsibility ...so have lots of conversation before moving in together. Our situation isn't as bad as some but I still have annoyances so it isn't easy especially if you are like me and not impressed with kids or a diaper sniffer....(chuckle)

Whateva

Please be careful about continuing in this relationship. It is impossible to be with a man with a young child and for it to be a serious relationship and not expect to have some involvement in the raising and caring for that child. I can understand for someone that had no interest in having children that being difficult. But you will have to sit through boring school programs alongside your BF, attend games and cheer SS on, you will have to deal with SS birthday parties, watching SS because BF has to work on something, listen to him talk about how great BM is even if you think she is a loser, listen to your BF talk about SS, any problem he is having, problems he has with BM. You could possibly be faced with legal issues, unending court cases, lawyer bills. Could be when BM finds out about you she goes off the deep end and becomes the biggest PITA you could ever imagine. What if something happens to BM – what if she gets cancer, what if she dies, what if she has a drug problem, goes to jail, has SS taken from her. What if any of that happens and SS has to LIVE 24/7 with you and BF?

I’m not saying you have to be the one to raise SS or do the physical caring for SS. But if you live with your BF or get married you will be a SM and I don’t know ONE SM that does not have a deal with the skid or the issues that come along with them at all. Being with a man with a child means being there for them and be supportive of them in their role as a father. If my DH needs to vent about BM, I’m there. If he wants me to be at SD school conference so he doesn’t have to sit there alone with BM, I’m there. If he wants to go get his hair cut on Saturday morning, I’m watching SD. If him and SD get sick, I’m tending to BOTH of them. If BM decides to go on vacation and DH takes SD – my plans are affected. When DH has to go to court, I get to be the one to listen to his fears and anxiety about it. That is ALL part of my DH’s life and I choose to be a part of it and be there for him and to support him through that.

Just remember your SS does not have a say in his living situation. He does not have a say in who his parents are, the fact they are divorced, what his parents do, say, or fight about, or who his parents date and bring into his life. He doesn’t have a choice in it – but you do. This is a child that needs to be cared for and loved by the adults in his life and not feel like a burden or unwanted or in the way.