At first, when DH and I moved in together before we were married, I had little to no interest in skids. I was thankful they were at BM's 12 out of 14 days. When they did come, I tried to have "girl only" trips planned to see my sisters, cousins, or go to those party things where only women are allowed. I let DH know that I didn't want to be involved very much and that I would treat them like roommates. It was ok for a while, but eventually, they grew on me and we changed how it worked. Now, I'm their steppie, but I'm glad I got the time to get used to the idea.

I live with my SO, and his child doesn't usually visit. (her mom doesn't allow her to be around me right now, but even if she did, she wouldn't be living with us)

On days he has his child, i usually have gym or other activities going on so i'm out of the house. He's free to have her over and play or make dinner or do homework and he takes her back to her mom's for bedtime there.

On weekends, he has her every saturday so he usually takes her to museums and such and is away most of the day. Once in awhile he might bring her to our place but again i am usually gone on those days.

If things got sorted out in the future, i might see her once a week or twice a week at most for a few hours. I would still have my own activities during his parenting time. When he isn't with her, then we are basically like any other childless couple. We vacation, go hiking or camping, out to dinner, movies and so forth.

To me, his child is like a neice or something, more than a child i am supposed to parent. I'm not her parent, her mom is plenty controlling already and there's no need for me to really be all that involved. She's a sweet little girl but she's not mine and that's ok. I don't want a job where i have no authority.

We maintain some seperation i guess, so he has plenty of one on one time with her and i have plenty of me time. We maintain seperate finances, although he pays for rent/utilities/food and i help with food and activities. (he makes a lot more than me also) I wouldn't really expect us to ever merge finances, even if we married. This system works much better to keep things seperate. No fighting about money spent, no fighting about CS or anything he spends on his child since it's all his own money.

So, i guess really it would depend on what the vistation schedule is like. How often, how long and so forth. It really does help to think of them as a neice/nephew though. You would care about them as children, you might care about their future since you hope to be around and it might effect you, but you aren't directly interacting all the time. Hopefully your SO is also ok with this mentality. (instead of pushing for mommy#2) If he is, it probably isn't a big deal to have to have seperate places.

In regard to "finding ways to make space " We have only a 1bd room. We have a nice looking box for her toys and such for when he brings her over. Our place would be way to crowded for much more, and kids don't need to have that much stuff at BOTH houses unless they are living there a bunch. (otherwise, we'd get a place with another room, and just keep everything in that 1 room for her.)

Luckily SO is a bit of a neat freak and likes open spaces and clean lines.

He buys groceries for making dinners she likes, on his way after picking her up so it's pretty much only on days he knows he's making her dinner. Although, we would probably stock a few kid foods if she was around more often.

So much would really depend on your SO personality/attitude and the parenting schedule.

I told my mom three years before I even met DH that I wasn't going to have kids - I talked him into getting snipped three years ago, so I guess I'm stuck now if I ever tried to change my mind.

DH pretty much moved in with me two weeks after we met, and we got married after four months. At that point, I had met SD15 ONCE. We're long-distance NCPs, so we've had access to her something like 24 weeks in five years.

I didn't much care for her to start with (age 10, 11, 12) and she felt the same. We both got over ourselves around Christmas 2008, and have been growing steadily closer. We're gearing up for a custody battle this year, so I'm going to end up being a CP if the judge agrees with us.

When we didn't get along, the six weeks of visitation in the summer was HELL. I resented the hell out of her laziness and disinterest in doing ANYTHING. I resented that I had to cook EVERY night, and cater to kid tastes, WHILE trying to maintain healthy meals - because DH's idea of dinner is take-out or pizza. Argh.

It wasn't a happy time. Luckily, DH and I were on the same page. He didn't like what his daughter was turning into either. I had to prod him some, but he ended up backing me 100% - to include hollering, "If you want to go back to your mother's, pack your things - I'll go buy a ticket." After that one, I ended up being the peacemaker between the two of them - which actually helped. He and I still tag-team her parenting-wise.

I got lucky. I had enough time to establish a strong marriage before we got into the hard-core kid drama.

i always make sure i have things on the weekend the kids are over.. the skids know that our bedroom is GROWN UPS ONLY.. im alot younger then my partner and he is 40 and im 25, so i need alot of my own time still!

so if i need time out of me time i know i can go into my room and close the door and put a DVD on and do my nails and its fine.

Just really important to have your own life as well. FDH and i have been together for almost 3 years and i went to Europe alone in that time, and did alot of amazing things. Dont let the skids stop you from your life and doing this, they are your partners responsibility and you need your own fun!

i go for walks, coffees, go see my family and just make sure the weekends they are here im busy..

good lucky

oh also!! if you dont want to go school/sporting events, i pull the "you and the kids should spend quality time together without me, so they feel they get time with just you so they dont get resentful they never see you alone"

works everytime!