I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I know I am not alone, per se, SOMEONE has top be going through this too, but in my "real life", not so much. I just need a place to vent where someone might understand and have some advice...if anyone even reads this. I went on a delphi forum that I thought sounded perfect and was mocked and called "the GIRL that the Birth Father is putting his penis in". ARE YOU F-ING SERIOUS??? I am the grown woman with a college degree and two succesful businesses who is trying the clean up the messes the "WHORE my fiance was married to" keeps making. I prefer to call her the walking BC (birth canal) rather than a BM. (An aside...The boy isn't even HIS CHILD! He met her when she was 2 mos pregnant and has been Daddy ever since. She consented to let him put his name on the birth certificate after he left her for cheating on him AGAIN when she realized she would get more child support if she let him legally become his father. His only concern is the boy, hers is $$$)

I am not really a real step mom yet, but I will be eventually...if the BM EVER finishes the divorce paperwork. (it's pretty bad when you buy "Divorces for Dummies" and still cannot figure it out) Sweetie and I have been together for a year and a half, and we get the munchkins (boy 8, girl 6) every weekend during the school year, and 4 days a week during the summer. It used to be a full week on, full week off. When he mentioned that we had them just as much as she did, and he didn;t know why he had to pay child support, she decided that didn't work for her anymore. When we went over and made BM and boyfriend tell the kids that they were no longer going to spend every other week with Daddy and Jamie, they were devastated. The kids are WONDERFUL with us. Respectful, sweet, loving, do their homework, help around the house, say please/thank you...I couldn't be happier! I guess they are not quite so good with Mommy and her boyfriend. This moron had the gall to say, "Well, if they are so good with you, maybe we need to have them more so we can practice being GOOD PARENTS like you two. I wanted so badly to say, "Maybe you should practice on your own kids...oh yeah, you don't even know where they are, do you???", but I was too busy comforting HER children, who ran to me and hid behind me crying. (This is also the same "woman" who, when her son dropped a bowling ball on his hand at his 8th Bday party, went outside for a smoke with her boyfriend and left me to hold and comfort her sobbing 5yr old girl who was hysterical about her brother being hurt. He shattered and literally blew up 2 fingers and needed stitches at the emergency room, but she couldn't be bothered to come to the ER with us, because "it's just too much for me to deal with.")

What scares me, is that I have become so attached to these kiddos. My fiance is my best friend, my soulmate, my world. His children are part of it, I love them and they love me, too. His girl asked me months ago, "When are you and Daddy going to get married? I don't want to call you Jamie, I want to call you Mommy."

What do you say to that? I just said I was't sure when Daddy and Jamie were getting married.

It's really tough, since I cannot have children, and I have wanted to be a mommy for so long. It seems like EVERYONE is having babies around me, now even my sister. It kills me. My sister has some ridiuculous grudge against me. I have apologized, was forgiven, and thought everything was fine...then I realized I was learning more about her from FaceBook than from her. She didn't really forgive me for this minor slight from YEARS ago. Now, I am finally going to be an Auntie, and I will probably never know the baby. But I digress...

I love, adore and darned well worship my fiance and his children. I am afraid I am getting TOO involved. The boy needs help in school. I swear he has an attention problem. (I was married into a family with raging ADD and ADHD, I think I have a little knowledge here, lol) The boy is smart, but VERY immature. He is a follower and is easily lead astray. He still wets the bed at 8.5 yrs old. He needs to be getting into some extracurriculars, but whats the point? I can pay for a musical instrument and lessons, but will his mom make him practice...probably not. I could get him into soccer or baseball, but would his mom take him, nope...that would be too much work. (we live in the country about 30 min away from BM) HELLS BELLS, its too much to ask her to read with him for a 1/2 hour a day!

He is having serious problems with his reading and comprehension...to the point that he may be held back in 3rd grade...and she STILL won't work with him. Every day he is supposed to read for 1/2 hour and then write a 2 sentence summary about what he read. When he is with her, she doesn't even read them, she just signs off. Last time I looked, "putted" was not a word. Constant incorrect grammar and spelling, writing sentences that are about the pictures in the book...or just flat out not doing it. When he is here with us, I sit and make him read aloud to me. We talk about his book. He has finally gotten what "general" and "specific" mean so he is writing much better sentences. I make him proofread his sentence before I read it. Hell, we make him fix the crap he writes when he is with his Mom.

I just feel like I am doing too much, I have no say over these kids lives and I am going to get hurt. I have this deepseated fear that some day I am going to be the "Evil Step Mother", no matter what I do.

I cry at night because nobody is ever going to call me Mommy, but I feel blessed to have these beautiful, loving children in my life. I am just afraid that I am going to be hurt...and of the jealousy I feel sometimes. My sweetie was talking about his future grandchildren, and I started to cry. He had no idea why, and I was too embarassed to explain that as much as I love him, I am terrribly jealous of the fact that he is a "real" parent. He gets to be Daddy, I get to be "Jamie", and that's all I will ever be.

It breaks my heart when he cries because he misses his children so much, and then the "Bad Jamie" wants to yell, "At least you HAVE children!", or be thankfull you get to see them as much as you do, most Dads get to see their kids only every otehr weekend. (horrible, isn't it?) I KNOW those kids would be better off with us full time, but that will never happen.

I will always be "just" the step mom. When they have special occasions, I will be forgotten. When they get married, I will be pushed to the side. When they have kids, I won't be Grandma.

Jesus...I swore I would NEVER fall in love with a man who has kids, but here we go, I guess.