I'm not a pysch major but I think it's because the old thing that kids sometimes wonder if the split was their fault.Rather than blame themselves(even though it's NOT their fault!)they'd rather blame someone they have no emotional attachment to like the SM.It's also easier for them to blame the SM rather than blaming their parents because they love their parents and don't want to believe the parents would disappoint them so deeply by splitting up.Also,while a sm might not be the cause of the divorce,in a skids mind she is the reason why mom and dad aren't ever going to get back together."if sm weren't in the picture mom and dad might someday somehow work things out."OR i could be full of sh*t

I've given this alot of thought. Background-dh and bm split up when ss was an infant-not yet 1. Dh took primary custody of him. I met dh right before ss turned 2. We moved in and got married a year later. I brought two kids to the marriage as well, ages 2 and 1. Things were great at first. Bm was already involved with someone else as well-she was happy-she was glad dh was happy, everyone was happy. But between ages 4-6, ss and I grew quite close (I was his primary parent because dh worked out of town and bm was only eowe). Dh even went to Iraq for a year and ss stayed with me.

I think at this point bm started to feel threatened that ss and I were developing such a close bond and she started brainwashing him. He'd come back and repeat things she said, and she started getting very crappy to my face, almost verbally assaultive which she would also do in front of ss. When he was 6-he spent 7 continous weeks with her in the summer and he came back completely different toward me. Very oppositional, rude, irritable, argumentative. On top of his normal adhd behavior. I, of course being a good parent, disciplined him. I, of course, was the only one disciplining him. This just served as proof that I was wicked and evil as bm had said.

Bm spoiled him on her w/e's, throw in a dose of guilty daddy who was not around enough and you had two parents that never disciplined and always made excuses. Dh would make excuses for ss's behaviors in front of him. would always question me, in front of ss, as to why ss was the only child in trouble all the time. Again more nails in my coffin.

SS soon learned if he said I was evil and nasty then he got props from bm. Sympahty, hugs, love. So he spun many tales for years to bm which only justified her actions in brainwashing him even more.

SS is now 12-cant stand me. He can actually state, "I know you didnt do anything to me but I spent so long making up stories about you that I ended up believing them. Even though I know they aren't true now, I still feel that way about you". He can trace his hatred of me back to age 6-the exact time that I noticed his change in behavior toward me. There was no significant event-I've asked ss over years time if there is anything I can do differently to improve our relationship and I get told quite bluntly that he is not interested in a relationship with me.

I think part of his continued "hatred" is because of years worth of brainwashing. But I also think it works for him. I serve as a scapegoat for him. He can look back at the years he lived here and absolve himself of any sort of wrongdoing because no matter what it was he finds some way to come back and blame me. He also milked this for all it was worth for years after he moved in with bm. She made excuses for him because he had been "abused" by me. He does not want to live back in our home, but for awhile dh wanted him to. Ss is not willing to tell dh to his face that he doesnt want to be here-so he can use excuses such as , "me and sm dont get along."

Bm told my husband about 2 years ago-that she was sorry toward me as she now knows that ss made everything up. SS wrote her a 12 page letter (at his therapist's request) of all the lies he made up about me. He apolgoized to her (not me, but her). Dh also now realizes the huge mistakes he made as well and does do things differently now. But it does not seem to matter-ss is very set on disliking me and NOT ever blending with this family.

That's what they've been programmed to do....

I don't know if either of my skids every BLAMED me for the breakup of BM and NN...if they DID, it would be because of BM's lies. They were broken up when I first met NN.

BUT, looking back and knowing what I know now, I definitely believe that BM was a negative factor in the relationship-building between me and my skids.

Once again, BM's insecurities were paid for by the skids.

In the case of DH - the second Stepson was one of the causes of their divorce. Because BM confessed that she had an affair and the littleson was prob not his. He still thinks that littleson isn't his. Which it wouldn't take a brain surgeon to figure that one out.

I have told him that inevitably Littleson will find out - prob from medical issues - such as he doesn't have the same blood type as his dad and will then be angry at BM from keeping his real dad from him.

Anyhow - so it wasn't my fault at all. They were separated and divorced when she was one month preggo with littleson.

skids blame me b/c bm told them to mainly. but the same as many have posted, in their eyes sm is the reason daddy doesn't love the "playing the victim" regardless of circumstances bm anymore.

dh has told skids flat out, i'm not the reason just him and bm do NOT get along and it's best they don't talk/see each other at ALL. while mil is trying to make us ALL one big happy family with me of course sitting in the back seat. FUCK her

I'm in the same situation as you and it's hard. I have often wondered if the real issue here is that the kids actually know their parent's marriage was crap and what we represent is that the father is now happy and moving on and these skids aren't the ones making their dads happy! I really believe that. I think some skids enjoyed their parent's unhappy marriage because they got more attention and more princess daddy's girl syndrome, then we come along, and make their dad happy and they are jealous! They know we didn't break up their parent's marriage, but they feel we broke up the daddy/daughter marriage! LOL! Read stepaside's post about the daddy/daughter marriage, it's frigging hilarious and so true!!
So I think that's the real issue going on, we have broken up the fantasy relationship these skid's (especially SD's) want with their dads!

Hope that helps...

I think much of the problems with step daughters came from their own experiences of how dad will handle certain situations. DH is 60 yrs. old and we have been married almost 12 yrs. DH and their mom split up when all 4 of them were under 8 yrs. old. So it has been well over 30 yrs. ago. So what did they learn??? Every time Dad split up with a wife or girlfriend mom and dad would end up spending time together. So there was always that chance they could be a family again. {if they could get rid of the new wife} Dad always handed out money to them as if he was the "free bank" when he was single. Wives complained and made the "free bank " stop when he would get married. {need to get rid of that new wife} Dad has a need to NOT look like the bad guy. He loves a pat on the back. He is the "fixer" So when mom did not want to deal with them in their teen yrs. Dad fixed the problem. He just picked them up and brought them home for the new wife to deal with. {without consulting her,without a court order or change in child support,without informing ex that she had created the situation with her own wild lifestyle} When the new wife objected in front of the kids, he felt embarrassed so he made the dramatic act of moving out of the bedroom that night. {bet that news traveled to the ex in no time} When that wife died 2 yrs. later, the daughters became "ladies in charge" until he married a yr. later. {who did this female think she was to be giving them orders?} Since Dad was gone so much with work and all his community activities he just wanted to come home to a calm environment and"live his life in peace" This new wife just could not do her job. Seemed all she did was complain about his children and demand he fix the problems. He did. Wrote wife a check, got divorced after 8 whole months of marriage. Before that divorce was final the remaining daughter was removed from the home and placed in a correction facility after he lost his temper and his discipline methods were considered too harsh. She was considered also to be totally unruly. So until she returned home, mom and dad were once again coming to see her together,showing up in court together, and I have no doubt she heard from mom that they were spending time in bed together. The attitudes these adult middle age daughters now have come from the lack of boundries during their formative yrs. Years later when I married their father their attitude had alresdy been established. In their minds, all girlfriends or wives are temporary. He really loves their mom even though she had other kids and marriages/divorces since. He puts them first and loves them [even though he only visits them 1 time a yr.] Thank god we moved out of state. Their illussions are theirs to have. In reality dad has little contact,knows he does not have a close relationship with them, and admits now that he never was a "hands on daddy " and still just wants to live his few remaining yers. in peace.

We moved their cheese. That is it.

We are a constant reminder that their mom and dad are not together, we are a target that they can dump a life time of their own failures on, we distract their "devoted" parents from catering to their every whim, we upset their other parent by making a happy and great life with the other parent's X..........

In my case I was the first person SS-18 ever called dad(dy). His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married before his 2nd b-day. So, I don't have the problem that many people who marry or date someone with older children may have. I am his dad. He does not agree with entirely with the opinion that his mom and I have of his SpermIdiot and SpermClan but he has no respect for the idiot. Though he is aggressively defensive of the SpermGrandHag.

Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,