You are here

Not sure where to go..or how to perceive this

hregal2011's picture

Submitted by hregal2011 on Sun, 05/01/2022 - 1:33pm

I had requested about 3-4wks ago to discuss my SD16, withDH.  I have been disengaged since January however DH's approach to 'helping' includes pretending like everything is dandy-and not hold SD to any standards we have for my kids (chores, keeping rooms clean/doing laundry)  Part of his 'helping' is letting her come over, trying to talk general conversation with her and then her remaining in her room the entire time she is here until her mom picks her up.  At this point, the kid doesn't bathe, looks like a homeless person, doesn't change clothes often and hasn't done laundry since February, her room STINKS...so I have to keep the door closed.

He said we would talk at breakfast (we have weeekly breakfast dates, we work opposite shifts so couple time is tough) No breakfast date this week lol.  I mentioned SD in conversation at one point and he went on a semi tangent about how he is just Done with her and doesn't want to get involved.  If she comes over for his time 'sounds good', if she doesn't 'sounds good'.  I feel like he is partially disengaging too...it's tiresome, 10+ years of fighting birth mom and trying to have her care for SD-when she is really hands off and let's her do whatever.  At this point we can't combat this.  I understand how he feels because it sucks but at our home-she needs to be accountable for the very small amount of things she is responsible for. 1 nightly chore, cleaning herself/her room and doing her laundry.  I'm still not sure if DH is having her come on our yearly trip this may-I vote no...last trip she was an issue. We brought her with us because this was a family trip-likely the last with all of us (SD is 16, my daughters are 17,15).  
Should I bring it up again? Re-vacation and expectations?

Not to mention the clothes/room Situation..I'm about to go in there and throw out 90% of her stuff.  Keep a weeks worth of clothes so she can manage them ..someday..ugh...it really smells in there...-_-

Comments

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sun, 05/01/2022 - 3:59pm

that demand we re-engage. It's your home, too. Your kids have chores...she should, too. At minimum, her room needs to be kept clean. No way in hell would I let someone dirty and destroy a room in MY home. If she can't be made to do it, then do as you say...get in there and clean up. THEN notify her it's to be kept to those standards or she can sleep on the couch. Since her dad can't be a parent, you will have to be the voice of reason in your home. Even a counselor should support a 16 year old keeping her bedroom sanitary. If not, you need a new counselor. Personally, deep down, she might really appreciate your imput and being considered a part of the home. Then maybe not...but it's worth a try.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sun, 05/01/2022 - 5:24pm

"Sorry DH, you don't get to just say 'sounds good' on whether she comes and acts like a part of the family. YOU have to enforce standards. YOU have to enforce rules. If you don't want her here, then tell her so. But if she's here, I expect YOU to parent her like it's expected of the other kids.

Also, YOU have until next weekend to clean her room or I will, and if I do it, all her belongings are going in trash bags. I'm tired of MY house smelling because YOU won't ensure her room is cleaned.

She is YOUR daughter. YOU don't get to disengage. If you don't want to parent her, then drop the rope and leave her to BM. If you don't like that, then do better. I'm done with being in limbo on this."

Wash, rinse, repeat. When he doesn't take you seriously and you do clean her room by throwing everything in trash bags, then he'll realize you're serious.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 05/01/2022 - 6:42pm

To stink up the car. And let strangers people think you are a bad parent because SD looks homeless.  That's not a vacation.  If SD can not do simple thing, shower, change into clean clothes. And look like a person  she stays at BM.

Your DH is her parent, not you, saying that  He must parent his DD.  He must be in the loop with her counser and help her with her problems.  
But that no reason to have a shitty vacation.  Cause by SD. No reason for her to make everyone else life miserable.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 05/02/2022 - 8:58am

Step parents can disengage... I don't know that a bio parent has that same luxury.  It sounds like he could be doing more to "manage" her..even though he maybe shouldn't have to.  He should be ordering and ensuring the daily showers happen.  Daily Room checks for cleanliness when she is there... etc.. And she can complain to her therapist.. but her dad has to love her enough to want her to be better... can anyone see someone behaving like this being able to succeed in life?  I know her mom is not helping the matter.. but dad should still work towards improvement with her...  and maybe she gains privileges by doing the right things.. and loses them when she doesn't?  I know he has tried.. but he needs to try some more.