Need opinion...am I asking too much?
I've been posting about senior stuff but this is new. BM wants DH to go in halves with him on a senior ad in the yearbook. I've done something similar in the past with family members where we wish them well and put all our names in it. The ad isn't cheap. They start at $200. Here's the kicker, shouldn't my name be able to be in this ad? This is not something that is SD's choice. This is an ad wishing her well. I don't see why it should just be from DH and BM. BM had managed to keep me out of everything so far but if our household money is going into it why can't I be a part of it? I just think it's more of a respect thing. How would you handle this? You know I have to have something to say to DH about it because all he wants to do is not cause waves with BM.
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Eh... If it were my DS's
Eh...
If it were my DS's yearbook I would want DH's name in it.
If it were my skids yearbook I don't think I would want my name in it.
If you and DH are paying for it and you want your name in it that's great. Although I don't see BM allowing it. If you really want to do it why don't you speak with DH's family and see if they wanted to help you and DH with an ad and let BM do her own.
Personally? my preference
Personally? my preference would be for BM to do her own ad for her child and your DH could do one of his own. I don't know if you have a great relationship with the child or not... if not, I wouldn't really want or care to have my name on there.
My DH's EX used to ask him every year if he would give her money so she could give her girls a "good Christmas". He finally told her that they loved her whether she bought them stuff or not.. she didn't have to buy their love. I guaranty you that if he had given her money that on Christmas day there would have been ZERO reference to his contribution.
It's likely she would get the money then the ad will end up only with her name.. or all her family and her SO.. and no mention of your DH and certainly not you.
Is this a hill to die upon? Depends on how much $200 is to your household. For some it's "nothing" and for others the difference between being able to eat more than ramen and beans! In my household, I wouldn't get tied up over a $200 dollar expenditure that was a "one time" (for this kid anyway) or rare occurence. It just wouldn't be worth the fight for me.
I would agree on the separate
I would agree on the separate ads. I'm assuming if the BM in your life tries to exclude you from things, that she and DH have a complicated and likely contentious relationship.
When SSs are in high school, I doubt BM would contact us for a yearbook ad, but I'll probably be trolling the school site, so DH can put one in himself. We'd probably put both of our names on it, because I know BM will put her DH's name on it. In fact, she will probably write "love, mom and dad" on hers, meaning her and her DH. I'd just put "love, Dad and StrugglingSM". The kids call me by my first name and I'm fine with it.
I'm sure in our case, if BM thought she could get money from DH to cover Christmas presents, she would request it. As it is, she always asks DH to let her know what he's getting every year (this is the same woman who never tells DH anything about school, sports, etc, so why she thinks he should tell her what he's getting for a present, is beyond me). I think she does that for one of two reasons: 1) to ensure she is getting something better; 2) to look for ideas on what to get for the kids. She always tries to send a Christmas list for the kids to DH and his family that includes things like "a new lunch bag" and "socks and underwear", because of course, why not pass off all the boring presents on to other people.
haha.. My DH's EX always gets
haha.. My DH's EX always gets the girls some ridiculously expensive thing that she can't afford. like a computer or a tablet or a phone or like last year.. she got her YSD a yeti cooler.
Every year, BM gets each kid
Every year, BM gets each kid the latest Playstation or Xbox - whichever one they wanted that year. She always asks DH to share what he's getting under the guise of "not getting the same thing", but I want to say to her, we will never get the kids their own XBox or Playstation or whatever.
Last year, we actually got them ski lessons, which were quite expensive, but that also counted against our sports budget, so it was sort of double dipping. This year, we will probably get them ski jackets or maybe ski gear if we can find some affordable used stuff - since BM has already told DH that "it's not my responsibility to get them winter coats just so they can play in the snow." We live in a place where it does get cold enough to require winter coats, of course, but by all means, lady, don't get your kids anything more than a sweatshirt, just to stick it to DH. We'll also count those purchases against our sports budget, since BM is convinced that she's the only one who pays for any "sports gear". She doesn't consider skiing a sport and tries to tell DH "the kids don't even want to go skiing" even though one of them has talked about it all summer.
You are missing a golden
You are missing a golden opportunity here. Tell her a huge list of spend items
. Then watch her go broke beating it. Then just give what you were planning. Lol
We've thought about taking
We've thought about taking them on a trip for Christmas, but we'll have to save up for that!
She'd probably lose her mind and threaten to go after DH for more child support.
This is just my opinion, but
This is just my opinion, but I didn't even buy year books in high school. I only had a handful of friends and have personal pictures from school pictures and my experiences with my group. I dunno, maybe it's because I'm an introvert and don't like to be the center of attention but I didn't need my family's praises to be public to the entire school. I'm also the person who doesn't care to go to high school reunions so maybe I'm odd.
It's not the fact of
It's not the fact of paying...I know he wants to do it with BM. We can't do it with DH's family. They are all in bad financial shape. Skids I know could care less about me but in front of DH play the part of the perfect skids so if they supposedly have a great relationship with me which is what DH seems to want to think then I just think I should be a part of it. I guess if you continue to leave the step mom out it's always setting a preference for that to be ok. I know it will always be a battle. I mean the skids are in high school and one day they were talking about what they would name their kids. Then it went to what the grandkids would call DH and BM and one of the skids actually said "what are they gonna call her?" Meaning me and meaning I wasn't going to be an actual grandparent. I've been with that skid since they were 7.
When skids were in high
When skids were in high school they would have been livid if they saw my name on one of their ads in the yearbook and they would have cut the entire page out, which would have been a comple waste of money for DH. It all depends on the relationship you have with your skids.
BM (and possibly DH...I
BM (and possibly DH...I didn't ask about the extras he paid BM at the time) bought SD an ad in her yearbook senior year. DH and I had already been married for a year, together for 3 at that point. In print, it said "Love Mom, Dad, and DH's Dog." It made it look like BM and DH were together (which they hadn't been for nearly 10 years!) and it included the dog that I took care of in our home. Not me, but our dog.
I was pissed at the time, but glad that I didn't make an issue out of it. It was really nothing in the scheme of things. I don't miss those day, though.
I can totally see it making
I can totally see it making it look or sound like DH and BM are back together. My DH was with BM since they were 15. I'm living with him in their hometown. Everyone knows them as always being together. Even though we've been married 5 years there isn't a single week that goes by that we run into someone or someone refers to the two of them together. It's just so weird. My ex moved away and we never have that here because I didn't grow until here. As long as we live here I think I will always be in their world.