Feeling down and out
Today I'm just so down after my weekend. DH and I took a weekend trip to see my kids. We managed to fight going and coming back. He is always sour when he is going to be around my kids and he's like the total optimist around his that are absolutely perfect in his eyes. He had me crying going and coming. He is never happy when it comes to mine. He complains that they don't do something right. It was an awesome visit. The kids were sweet to him but when we leave he picks everything apart. First BD didn't directly thank him for snacks we brought. She thanked me but not him. That pissed him off. Then he had nerve to complain about how much we spent on food because we fed BD 2 meals and BS one meal. It crushed me. I don't get to give them tons of money every month like he does his. I know it's CS but already agreed to extend it and give his skid $350 a month spending money for college. The least we can do is feed mine when we visit!!! He then has his coming the next several weekends because they have thrown the schedule out of the window. He's planned movies and dinner with his for this weekend but had nerve to complain about feeding mine. I don't know how he will survive when the favorite goes to college next year. She's the one that still sits in daddy's lap all of the time. I'm just so depressed today. I wish I were over reacting but I'm not. It's like he always wants to put a damper on my visit and he manages to do so. Then he claims I've caused the arguments. It's like he's gas lighting me but I really feels he thinks he does no wrong.
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I'm assuming your kids are
I'm assuming your kids are adults? And they live far enough away that you don't see them very often? Why in the world is he bitching about buying dinner and not getting a personal thank you for some stupid snacks when he's handing one of his kids $350.00 a month? Do you not work? Does he see it as him having to "support" your kids? I don't get his point here.
Do you have combined
Do you have combined finances? Separate them. Pay for your portion of things and let him pay for his.
Don't take him with you on visits anymore. He doesn't need to put a damper on your weekend with your kids.
Entirely disengage from his kids. Speak when spoken to, and be.polite, but back way the hell off otherwise.
When he talks about his kids, redirect the conversation.
When he asks why you are being distant, tell him that you don't appreciate his hatred for your children, so you just want everything separate. His kids are his, yours are yours and the only "family" you see is you two or you and your kids. Yes, it will piss him off, but he can't have life both ways. Unless your kids are utter monsters to him, he can put on his big boy pants and realize that talking smack about your kids is a heinous offense.
And that's what this is - a heinous offense. He's upset because he wasn't directly thanked? Psh, tiny potatoes. In the future, you can ask your kids to thank him, too, but he needs to just get over it now and not drag you through the mud.
Never be depressed about what a spouse says. Be angry. Be strong. Stand up and tell them how it is. They are not your parent or peer; they are your partner. If they can't behave as such, then don't be afraid to lose them. They aren't worth it.
Yes I feel like DH and the
Yes I feel like DH and the skids are jealous of my kids. When we were first together BM talked to DH about how his princess was jealous that he was around my daughter so much. Now both of mine are in college and they are far away. Now they are all jealous that my kids are in big colleges because his can't afford to go out of state. My ex makes at least 4 times what DH makes plus he served in the military so if it weren't for him, my kids wouldn't be out of state where they are either. I do work and bring home more money than DH. He's paid on commission so some months he may make close to what I do before he pays CS and many months he makes a whole lot less than I do then still has to pay CS. Our finances are together but everything is in my name. DH wants to do extras above the CS for his kids but not for mine. He actually made the stupid comment if I wanted to do more for mine while they are in school I needed to sell the house. I'm getting tired off this lop sidedness.
Separate finances. Visit
Separate finances.
Visit your kids alone. If DH goes along drop his butt off at bus station if he starts upsetting you with his gas light jealousy crap. Or the side of the road...whatever feels right at the moment.
Do not let him ruin your visit or bully you.
Lay out the new order rules for him in a calm and assured manner.
Do not support his kids or subsidize his income so he can fritter away extra money on them. Does he have his retirement funded?
Be strong, be calm, be happy.
Happycamper - you are the
Happycamper - you are the bread winner right, your DH is a sponger...
Separate finances immediately, you pay only 40% of all house hold expenses, the house is in your name, DH will have to pay "rent" inform of 60% of all house hold expenses, and if he can't pay it he needs to get a second job, it's not your problem.
Then you smile if he complains and you say, DH, Between myself and my XH we are raising our children and I do not ask you to contribute, thus between you and your XDW you have to raise your children and do not expect me to contribute...
Then start visiting your children on your own, if he complains, smile and say, you always complain and ruin the visit, you can come with if you behave, my children do not owe you anything, they do not have to thank you for anything... cause your children never thanks me for anything
It's time to take a stand woman and house train your husband.... it's not your fault his kids does not have the same as yours... it's on him and their mother.... ask him who did he marry, you the person or your bank account
If I may ask, what are you
If I may ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? Based on your posts he seems petty and controlling, and is holding you back from things you want out of life. I am 100 percent in the "separate finances" camp in this case, but also make note of your interactions when you bring this up- I'm guessing he will make all sorts of accusations and threats about how you are destroying the marriage. I think you are onto all of the controlling ploys and gaslighting techniques he uses, but keep documenting them for the sake of your own sanity.