History repeating itself.... is it time to walk?
So, I pretty much raised my SD since she was 3..... her BM never did much for her, but always acted like mother of the year. My DH always felt bad for his BD and gave her everything, never punished her, etc. At 17, SD became verbally and physically abusive where I could not have her with me anymore. Through the years, I put up with more than the average person would. I held on believing that one day my DH would see the light or my SD would move out and be on her own. Well, when we told her we couldn't have her with us anymore, she accused me of abusing her and her BM tried to put me in jail. It pretty much put a damper on the relationship between her, her father and me. There was no contact for 2 years with her. She has finally come around and had not were else to live, burnt all her bridges and asked to move back in. We agreed on the condition that she sign an adult contract to live in our home, because we weren't going back to the way things were. Everything was fine for a month. She got a job, started to further her education. Then she quit her job and now she hasn't worked for 2 months. She only goes to school 4 hours a day. We are paying her rent on a place close to her school with the agreement that she would work and help support herself. So much for that..... I found her a job and she told me, "I'm not going to work weekends." hung up on me and told me I was ridiculous. This has been ongoing. We pay the rent. My husband has been paying for her gas money, car repairs, cigarettes and cell phone. He hasn't asked me or spoken to me about it, just went out and did it. I believe we should be a team, and therefore discuss all financial matters equally. We are at the point were we can not make our bills on time because of his kids expense.
I feel like I've put in my time. I have been treated like crap, beat up on, put down and now financially burden by a 20 year old "adult". I swore I would not put myself in the position again and here I am. MY DH is slipping back into his old habit of saying, that me and his kid always fought, blah blah blah.... I'm sick of being ignored and honestly, I'm sick of being second best. I realize his kid will always be first, but shouldn't she be moving on and getting her own life? Instead, she is still ruining mine. My DH and I haven't fought in 2 years at all and now we are on every 3 day arguments. It is obvious my point will never get across.
We have some property in another state. I am secretly going to start hoarding my paychecks, look for another job and run the first change I can. How does the saying go? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Well, I just think if I stay in this for round too, I will totally lose myself.. I still need therapy from the first time around.
How do I talk to my DH if he just thinks that me wanting her to get a job (part time would make me happy) is too much and I'm "causing problems"? Should I stick it out again........
Wow...I'm reading my life in
Wow...I'm reading my life in your post. Well, almost. My SD17 runs the show and history keeps repeating itself. I see my life mirroring yours when SD gets out of high school this year.
When Sd isn't around, there's no problem between me and DH. When she is home (or in town) DH is a completely different person. He's completely anxious, worried, can't communicate with me, etc. Yesterday, it hit the fan...AGAIN. Today is a much calmer day..SD is out of town until tomorrow. (Funny, when I was 17, I was AT HOME...not getting out of school for 2 days to "go have fun" with another family.)
I agree with SA...get your facts BEFORE you leave. I have felt beat up and stomped on for the past 9 years. I've stuck it out and am at the point you are. Do I keep putting up with it?
DH had the audacity to tell me tonight that he "wants to wait until she graduates...just to see how we are when she is out. I don't want to give up (on us) when I know that 90% of our issues are with SD." Hmm...busted. He does hear me. He just will NOT change, will NOT budge when it comes to his daughter.
One of the problems with
One of the problems with these situations is that the SDs never go away no matter how old they get. You will always have these problems not because of SD but because of how your DH behaves towards her. The problem actually lies with him. You can't wait until the SD grows up becaus that never happens.
What StepAside said is spot
What StepAside said is spot on advice. Also, SD is 7 and I'm scared for the future.
Best wishes to you, always wrong.
Tip that has really paid off
Tip that has really paid off for friends...see EVERY good divorce attorney before he knows what's happening. They can't represent him once they have met with you. Good Luck. I agree, he's the problem here and he's never going to change - you could find yourself 70 and working so that he can continue to support poor little DD.
"I realize his kid will
"I realize his kid will always be first, but shouldn't she be moving on and getting her own life? Instead, she is still ruining mine."
YES. This has always been a fear of mine. I fought for my place and thankfully my SO and I are on the same page right now where he recently stood up to his family and said guess what I love her it's not changing and you can either choose to accept her or not but she's not going anywhere. That took almost 2 years. But my biggest thing has been look - I'm not going to be put behind adults in their 20's who should be expected to support themselves. If your husband is not putting you first and I know from reading your blogs it's not the first time he has covered SK's expenses, then I am with you - you have to walk away. I hate saying that out loud because I know how hard you have worked at this marriage and the relationship has had it ups and downs because of step kids but you reall do love him and that's what breaks my heart. I know how it feels to love someone so much but worry about staying in a relationship because of other people. Regardless of who they are to him or to you they are still people who cause turmoil in your relationship. It might not always be intentional but I've read all your blogs about the kids and the hell they have put you through and I hate that DH has allowed you to feel that kind of pain and has not stood by you through all of that. You deserve the best, you are clearly a genuine, loving person and you deserve to be with someone who sees that in you and someone who is also wonderful and kind and attentive. I'm so sorry maux I'm still praying this will work but if it doesn't, I think you are doing the right thing. I commend you for all of your effort and of anyone I believe you are strong enough to make it through this
Thank you for the words of
Thank you for the words of support. I have slept on the couch for the past two nights. DH hasn't even spoken to me until today when he said, so what are we doing here with our relationship?" I told him that unless I keep my feelings bottled up inside of me, he doesn't want to here any issues. He replied with, "all you do is bitch and complain" So, yes, I should basically shut up and deal with it. I have moved into the guest bedroom today. He said we will finish fixing up the house (the house we just bought 3 months ago) and then sell it. He has been upstairs in our bedroom all day, laughing, watching tv and playing with the dog. It is clear to me that things will never change. I wish I would have gotten out years ago. Now I have to worry about getting a place of my own, getting him out of my life, etc. 4 years ago, I left him because of a lot of this and at that time, he was drinking a lot. We were seperated for 4 months. The very first thing he did was call his entire family, aunts, cousins, etc.... even the ones out of state, he called all of our friends, including my best friend and made sure everyone was "on his side" I was so alone then, even my family was not on my side. Unless I move out of state, I can not go thru that emotional pain again. I feel as if I was used for 16 years to raise this kid, while he worked on the road, visited other countries and played music with is friends. When we reconciled 4 years ago, he did stop drinking and he did see how his kid acting and was treating me. Things changed for the better back then. Now, I think he resents me for her not talking to him for a few years and I think he is happy now. I have to stop writing now, I am crying so hard I can't even read the monitor.
Sounds like "fixing up the
Sounds like "fixing up the house and selling it" is a threat and that is emotional abuse. When you reconciled 4 years ago was it your DH who initiated it? If so, just wait until, he has to give you half of the house you are fixing up and on top of that continue to give money to entitled SD. Like you said, "Fool me once ----."