Double standard

Friday when I got home from work my 2 step dds had once again left their stuff by the front door. I was smart this time and didn't say a word to them or my wife. When my kids got there I just sat and watched what my wife would do. Wouldn't you know it, she started yelling at me that their bags and shoes were cluttering up the living room. I pointed out that her kids stuff sat there for 2 days and she got mad when I tried to enforce the rules so I don't want to hear it. What is good for hers is good for mine. Then I told my kids to lets go and I took them to dinner and a movie. We got home late so I bunked up with my sons for the night. Saturday morning she made breakfast for just her kids and her so I took mine and we left for the day. We got back Saturday evening and she ignored me so I just spent time with my kids and bunked with them again. We were gone before she got up on Sunday and I dropped them at their moms before I came home. I didn't say a word to her when I got home and bunked in my kids room again. She sent me a few texts this morning asking why I am being like this and I told her I am mad at the double standard, the silent treatment and if she is mad at me not to take it out on my kids by refusing them breakfast when she cooked. She is texting back that she is sorry and she wants to make it up to me, she feels overwhelmed and she loves me. I texted back that I love her to and she is going to call me when she goes on break. Our therapy appointment can't get here soon enough.

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Do you think? I thought she

Do you think? I thought she realized she was wrong and was sorry. I will watch and see what happens.

THIS She's playing games.

THIS

She's playing games. She will be nice to you, but as soon ad your kids return it will be business as usual.

Don't play along with her. Make it clear to her that you will not put up the double standard, game playing and screwing around with your kids.

I think I made my point this

I think I made my point this weekend but I will have to wait and see what happens next weekend.

She probably is overwhelmed.

She probably is overwhelmed. I believe you have two kids and she has two kids, right? Going from 2 kids to 4 kids is a LOT in a house. That said, she needs to be an adult and stop being an a$$hat to everyone because SHE is overwhelmed and anxious.

I would suggest that you have a serious discussion with her. "Shoes and bags by the front door do not bother me, but if they do bother you then we need to make the same rule and consequence for everyone in the home. Now, what other things would help you to be less overwhelmed?"

Start there and TALK. Some of her list will probably be ridiculous, and you'll have to find a way to say no or to compromise.

But, I would make it clear that the way you all lived this past weekend is no way for a family to live. It isn't good for your marriage and it isn't good for any of the kids, so that is no longer an option, and neither is mistreatment or exclusion of the kids.

They already had a discussion

They already had a discussion and agreed on consequences. She failed to apply those agreed upon terms to her children.

I don't disagree with you.

I don't disagree with you. And I would be incredibly ticked off. But, what does he want the end game to be? Does he want a divorce? If so, then by all means, go in combative. If he wants to heal the marriage, then he might want to think that his actions in showing her the consequences of her actions may have had a positive affect, and they can grow from this point.

I have 3 kids and she knew

I have 3 kids and she knew that when she married me.

I'm probably the first to

I'm probably the first to say, "you knew she/he had kids when you married them". BUT, reality is a little different, as everyone learns. There are growing pains. When we married, my husband added my three kids to his mix of two. I added his two to my mix of three. Five kids in the house is loud and chaotic. It took time to blend our separate family habits and rules into something that worked for everyone.

I will say that the lengths of disrespect that she has gone to with your kids would likely be a deal breaker for me, with not wanting them on vacation, wanting different rules for different sets of kids and with not including your kids in breakfast. No matter how mad my husband and I have been with the other's kids (or our own), we have never excluded them.

That said, only you can determine if you want to move forward with this marriage or not.

Whoa, wait. When I cook, I

Whoa, wait.

When I cook, I cook for everyone in the house...I don't get people who don't as it's just as easy. I bring no kids to the mix, so some weekends I'm not up to cooking after a long week of work and DH has to figure it out...but I always tell him whether I have plans or not.

That said...why does OP just assume his wife is cooking for everyone? It sounds like she's just disengaging. Why does he expect her to cook for his kids? And if cooking breakfast is so easy, why doesn't he just whip up a quick breakfast for his kids? DH and I have different work schedules, and we each usually make our own breakfast, especially if I have a lot on my plate. Sometimes, he makes me breakfast and sometimes I make him breakfast...but neither of us expects it from the other.

If this was dinner, I agree that would be a b**** move...but breakfast is always real loose around my house. If OP's wife is just expected to cook breakfast for everyone when his kids are there...maybe that's partly why she's feeling overwhelmed. Maybe OP could offer to cook breakfast for the house once in a while...especially when his kids are there. Instead, OP responds by leaving with his kids only for the entire day? But she's in the wrong for cooking for her kids and not his? Maybe her kids wake up earlier and were ready for breakfast and his weren't there. Sounds like OP was just itching to get offended over nothing. I wonder how the weekend would have been different if he'd simply made breakfast for his kids like she did for hers...and then joined in at the table to talk about the day.

I think all y'all are giving Gunner some real bad marriage advice and I'm kind of shocked by it. How many times do we read on here that disengagement = fine and good and that kids are the responsibility of the parent?

My wife and I take turns

My wife and I take turns cooking. We each have our days that we cook and the other one does the dishes. I cook more because sds have activities during the week and I don't mind. Had she just made something small for her kids then that would have been fine but she made eggs, hash-browns, bacon and biscuits. When my son went to get some she yelled at him and told him I needed to make him food that she made this for her girls. That to me was crossing a line and why I decided to take my kids and leave for the day.

That is why I left for the

That is why I left for the day. I know she was mad and upset but my kids are no ones punching bag. I can tolerate mood swings and bad moods but not purposefully being rude/mean to my children.

I would have a very difficult

I would have a very difficult time getting past that, Gunner. I truly hope you and your wife can come to a happy place, but I'm sad for your son because he will likely remember that forever.

I would have walked into the

I would have walked into the kitchen and tossed all of the food into the trash. There's no way in hell I would allow my spouse to tell my minor child that he couldn't eat food that was cooked in my home. I don't give a damn who purchased or cooked it.

Your wife is showing you who she is. Please believer her. Your kids are lucky that she is acting like a fool right in front of you. Chances are you would not believe your kids if you acted one way in front of you another why when you were not around.

She is nuts and fking petty.

She is nuts and fking petty. That would tick me off till no end. No matter how annoyed or angry SO or SD make me if I cook I still offer them food. There have been times I cook for myself when SD and SO are out, they get home when I am eating and I will offer SD food right off my plate.

In my world, if someone is

In my world, if someone is cooking, we cook for everyone. That means me, DH, his adult child, my adult child, or any of the minor children still living in the home. I would never cook for only my kids, and if my husband pulled that, it would indicate a significant breakdown of our marriage.

You're right that if Gunner is not participating in cooking meals, then he needs to step up and do his half. I assumed (my mistake, in my world, we split cooking duties) that he does cook as well, but that his wife was this day.

I cook 5 nights a week due to

I cook 5 nights a week due to her dds activities. When they get home dinner is made so she can eat and relax after a long day. We each cook breakfast over the weekend. I cook plenty and I take pride in being able to spoil my wife by making her life easier.

I believe he has 3... So she

I believe he has 3... So she goes from 2 to 5. And it sounds like his kids are leaving stuff in the living areas.. but maybe her kids stuff was at the door?

I don't like the double standard thing, but I think that he needs to model what the expectations are with his kids. I mean, they have to start somewhere. Just because she ignored her kid's stuff doesn't mean he should ignore his kid's things.

If she sees him getting on his kids to keep things out of the living areas then maybe he can circle back with her (when kids are out of the way) that he has been really making an effort but that he still notices that she isn't telling her kids to do the same thing and that isn't fair to him or his children.

BTW, just because one set is doing something wrong..ie cluttering up common space, doesn't mean it's right to clutter up yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I think OP's wife is being a little one sided but when we get into tit for tat situations, I think the results are worse.

I guess I am approaching this

I guess I am approaching this from the perspective of sometimes we can have our "rules" or we can have "peace" sometimes we do things we shouldn't have to do because it's better than dying upon that hill and creating a huge hole in the relationship. Don't get me wrong... wife is a full participant with her cold shoulder etc.. (though she may be trying to practice disengagement with his children which is often proposed on this site to many a SM.. so the not cooking kids breakfast can be part of that stance).

They did agreed on some rules, but then OP may have appeared to his wife as trying to play "gotcha" when he tried to get her child to move a book bag and then wanting her punished when she didn't. It may have been a bit premature then and the kids don't appear to have been briefed on the new rule system either. So, while there were rules that they both agreed upon, the timing and application of the rules seemed to not be 100% set.

Then, OP decided that he would take the "well, if her kids don't have to follow rules, mine don't either' stance.

My thought is that either the rules are good codes of conduct for the children... or they aren't. If OP agrees keeping the common areas uncluttered then he needs to work with his kids on it. Believe me, he has a lot stronger case to go to his wife and say.

"Honey, I hope you have noticed that my kids have been pretty good about keeping the common areas clutter free. I really have been working on that with them. However, your kids are still allowed to leave a lot of stuff around. When we agreed on this rule, I thought we both were in agreement that it was a good idea. Why are you allowing your kids to still leave things laying about?"

Should the kids go by the same rules? of course. Should she be enforcing them on her kids? YES. But if she doesn't, that doesn't mean that OP shouldn't enforce reasonable rules on his own kids. If OP's wife let her kids slide with C- report cards would Gunner allow his kids to do the same? I don't think so.

I think you did good Gunny.

I think you did good Gunny. You didn't cave . You stayed the course didn't
Chase after her and when she opened the lines of communication you were honest and forthcoming.

Actions speak louder than

Actions speak louder than words. She can say she wants to "fix" things with you, but I don't think you can just turn off Skid hostility like a switch especially if they are such a big problem for her. Good for you for keeping things fair. I think you should use this particulate instance with the book bags and the shoes of her kids vs your kids in your therapy session.

Absolutely, I love my skids

Absolutely, I love my skids but there was a time that just the sound of SS's voice would put me in a bad mood. He wasn't doing anything but talking. Thankfully, those days are over.

How often do you cook

How often do you cook breakfast for your wife and her kids, Gunner?

That's a serious question. I think the backpack thing would annoy me, too...but it may be that's not the only double-standard we're dealing with here. You both work full-time jobs, right? So why do you expect her to cook breakfast for your teen kids? Are the kids incapable of making breakfast for themselves? Are you incapable of putting a breakfast together for your kids?

Sounds to me like she's taking care of her kids...but you're expecting her to take care of yours, too, when they're there. That could be a source of the frustration and the feelings of being overwhelmed. You're upset about the double-standard with the backpack...enough so that you take your kids and Disney Dad them / spend the entire weekend away doing fun things with them only rather than stay and try to work it out with your wife. You may be surprised to discover that your wife feels that YOU have lots of double-standards every time your kids are around.

How often do you cook

How often do you cook breakfast for your wife and her kids, Gunner?

I cook dinner 5 nights a week

I cook dinner 5 nights a week and we each cook breakfast one day of the weekend. She made a big spread and then yelled at my son when he went to make a plate. I would never cook dinner and turn her kids away because I was mad at her. There was more than enough food for everyone so there was no reason for my kids to make their own or for me to make more.

Yeah...if that's the case,

Yeah...if that's the case, then I don't know what's going on with her. Hopefully you'll find out in counseling.

I think going to five kids would be really overwhelming, but there's no reason to cook a huge spread for one set of kids and not the other.

Dude-your wife doesn't want

Dude-your wife doesn't want your children around-she wants your home and wallet for her and her children only.

I think it's great you and her made up equal rules-HOWEVER she's proven that the rules do no apply to her children when you reminded her of the rules you both came up when HER children left their items out.

Your wife is showing you her true colors-especially by telling your child they're not to eat her daughter's food Mom made for them.

Either you and her live in that house-you have your rules for your children and she has whatever rules if any for her kids.
You live as room mates-and if the kids question the rules explain "I am raising my children to be upstanding members of society. You are a part of my family and I expect you, my children, to do as I tell you because that is what good children do. They listen and obey their parent and the house rules."

Seriously cut your damn losses. This woman should not be around your kids period.
If I was your ex, and I found out my children were being treated like this-your wife and I would be having some SERIOUS words.

Gunner - I am not going to

Gunner -

I am not going to defend your wife's actions, which were unacceptable...but I'm also not going to jump on the bandwagon and tell you that your wife is evil, greedy, manipulative, or "a witch." I am going to encourage you to try to understand her and see things from her perspective.

I'm a little appalled by all of the commenters saying definitively that she "wants your wallet" and wants your kids gone...based on these couple of incidents you've shared. In my experience, though I know there must be women out there like that, I haven't met any in person. The truth is always far more complicated than that. Look in your heart and think about your history together and see if you really think that's true. Only you can really make that call...but if you let a forum like this make you all paranoid, you could lose your relationship and mess up a marriage that is mostly good. The need for retribution and "Internet justice!" is strong on this forum for some reason...I don't get it.

You have said that your wife works full-time and that she is the CP for her kids...and that she covers groceries and extras. While it may not be as much as your contribution to the household...groceries, household items, and extras for a 7-person household is not insignificant. It seems, financially, she would be OK on her own. She's not a leech.

You have also stated that you give a lot of extras to your kids and their mom (on their behalf), and I can certainly see how that might bother her. As I said on another comment...money is always about more than money. It's an expression of care and concern...so of course it would bother your current wife if you seem to be caring for an ex-wife.

The biggest thing I notice throughout your posts is that you pride yourself on being a "good husband" a "good dad" and a "good provider." You have mentioned that you like to "spoil" your wife...and you have also said that, when it comes to money, you tend to have "the final say." You also booked a marriage counseling session without discussing it with her first. My guess is that your wife feels that you run the show about most things at your house and she doesn't have a voice. Maybe she feels steamrolled to some degree. From my experience, most women want some financial security in their partnership (that's only natural) but, after basic needs are met...what they want most is some respect and a say in their own daily lives. How their household is run...what happens with finances...how their time is spent. I think a lot of men literally don't understand how much they decide for and presume upon the women in their lives. What feels like "spoiling" and "taking care of" to you just may feel like "controlling" to her.

I hope that you will both go to that counseling session and be open with each other. Your wife isn't communicating well...but I wonder if that is related to your image of yourself as an amazing husband and provider. Maybe she knows that this image is important to you...that your ego is tied up in it...and so it's incredibly difficult for her to tell you the ways that she doesn't feel considered or taken care of. I say this because I had the same issue early in my marriage to my husband. Like you, he was really invested in being a phenomenal husband and taking care of me...he prided himself in it and, having lost one marriage already, he was really committed to 'getting it right this time.' Knowing all this, and knowing how incredibly important it was to him to get it 'right' made it nearly impossible for me to voice concerns...his ego was all wrapped up in it. So, instead, I let resentment build up in unhealthy ways and acted out. I never denied food...but I ran off without saying where I was going a lot because I needed to be able to just...breathe and make my own decisions for a while. Your wife can't run off as easily because she has kids of her own, so she's acting out in other ways. My husband was, and still is, a fixer--run to the problem kind of guy...which is great! But when I was trying to survive early blended family life, I desperately needed some space to figure it out and adjust on my own...not always be told how simple this was or logical that was...or 'what grown-ups do'...by my (well-meaning) husband.

It is also quite possible that you change toward your wife in ways that you don't even realize when your kids are around, and this has caused her to displace her frustration and resentment onto them. I don't know if you read my comment on your other post...but here it is for reference: https://www.steptalk.org/node/237688#comment-2010638

So..this is rambling and I'm not sure I'm making my point. Bottom line...I believe you mostly mean well, you want to please your wife and take care of her...so this new attitude of hers is totally catching you by surprise. It's like...you've spent all this time thinking you're both on page 117...and come to find out she's in a whole different book. I would urge you to have patience and consider, for just a moment, that her impressions and her experiences in the marriage aren't the same as yours. Be open to the idea that there may be things you're doing to make her feel devalued or second-class in your home...and you are genuinely unaware of these things.

Most importantly - DON'T make it about the kids. It's not about the kids or any of this Tit for Tat garbage. It's about YOU and your relationship with her. The kids are just a distraction from the real issues.

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