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how to deal with anger at SD?

dlibyd's picture

Submitted by dlibyd on Fri, 09/28/2012 - 8:10am

I haven't posted in a while, so a very brief history: SD25 has 2 children, now ages 7 and 4 (they both just had birthdays this month). She no longer takes care of them, she is off living at a friend's house, has no car, spends all her money out partying. We have my 2 stepgrandsons living at our house 4 days a week, the other 3 they are with their father. I'm not happy with the situation, but I feel for the kids, it's not their fault and they deserve a good home and good loving care, which DW wants to provide for them.

I have been very angry with SD25 since this began, naturally. For many months we didn't see or hear from her, so it was easier to deal with. But where I'm really having a problem is when she shows up at a family event, like the kids' birthday parties this month. It angers me more because here she is, leaving others to raise her kids, and she gets to be there for the fun things. It's like she's their aunt who just sees them when she feels like it, and then disappears again. First of all I think this has to be emotionally confusing for the kids. I don't know which is worse for them, having her come around and then leave again, or if they would never see their mother at all.

I can't even stand to look at her. I am totally disengaged. I don't talk to her, I don't even say hi or acknowledge her when she enters the room. But her presence makes me very angry, and then I don't enjoy being at the event. If I can get away or be in another room, I do so, but sometimes that's not possible. So why should I be unhappy when she's the one who has abandoned her kids? I don't know how to not let her presence get to me.

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StarStuff's picture

Submitted by StarStuff on Fri, 09/28/2012 - 9:35am

It is frustrating. I know in our situation BM hasn't seen SD8 in over a year, and I think it's better that way b/c SD remains more emotionally stable. She rarely asks to speak to her mom on the phone and BM hardly ever calls. When BM DOES call, SD usually doesn't want to talk to her.

I feel very angry and resentful at BM and I don't ever have to see her. I don't know how to reconcile those feelings myself, other than just trying not to think about her. I get so angry b/c she's out living life, partying, etc and I'm the one who's "mom" to her kid. I don't have any good advice for you...it's ok to be angry though, it's just annoying and unfortunate that it has an effect on your mood/good time.

You're not alone.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Fri, 09/28/2012 - 11:13am

Are you a religious man? Prayer helped me a lot, when I was raising SS (he's our nephew) while his mom was out whoring around and breaking his heart by ignoring him. If that isn't your thing, meditation is also very calming. (I've done that too- my uncle's a yoga teacher he taught me.) I don't have to be in her presense hardly at all now thank God. SS is 36. My husband asks me why I'm so "hateful" when I talk about her, well, I "hate" what she did to her kid. Just try to avoid her. I know exactly where you're coming from, believe me. And know that your those kids' hero, even if they don't know it yet. Smile

frustratedstepdad's picture

Submitted by frustratedstepdad on Fri, 11/16/2012 - 11:04am

Sorry for coming into this so late. I completely feel your pain as a stepdad myself, who will probably be raising my stepgrandson fulltime eventually. First of all, you have a RIGHT to be angry and don't let anybody tell you differently. You and your wife are supposed to be having the time of your lives right now enjoying your lives, and instead you are having to be responsible for somebody else's kids. You are sacrificing for somebody else's child while that person is out having a good time, you deserve to be pissed at her.

I do the same thing when SD22 comes around...I don't even want to look at her, and I don't want to hear her bullshit. Like ctnmom said, meditation can help a lot. Even if you don't want to call it "meditating" I would suggest finding 10-20 minutes of each day and just laying on the bed or couch to relax. Turn down the ringer on your phone and just lay in silence.

Also, maybe some counseling might help? In my case I could vent all I wanted to DW and even though she acted like she understood, she really didn't because she kept enabling SD22 to do whatever she wanted. In my opinion its best to vent to a 3rd party who can be neutral and give you some suggestions for how to handle it.