I'm so sorry. I could understand the confusion.

I think regardless of what happened in your past, it's okay for you to mourn too. People mourn for those they hardly knew all the time. You two had a history. You knew him fairly well regardless of the cheating. You left the relationship for that, but that doesn't mean feelings disolved overnight.

Take the time you need to grieve. I'm sorry you're having to process all this.

I think it's normal to have conflicting emotions.  I'm sure that the news really brought up all those past experiences to the front of your mind.  I am also sure that it is sad on a basic level that someone you once cared for has passed away.  I'm sorry for the loss you are experiencing.  Even though we don't necessarily want to date our exes.. most of them are people that rationally we wouldn't want dead.. and realize that the reason the relationship didn't work was more than a one sided issue.

I'm so sorry, Disneyfan. It's shock, IMO. I was in a similar situation. My exbf's sister called me when he had a heart attack and was asking for me (still in love with me). Had the ambulance been 15 minutes slower, they would have taken him to the morgue.

Like you, I thought of the good times. And the bad. And the ugly. But I did what I felt was right for me. I went to the hospital. The doctors/nurses were told I was his estranged wife so he could see me. I was there for his surgery (quadruple bypass and they lost him twice on the table). I actually BAWLED when the doctor came out to tell us (his sister, mother, and me) that he'd made it through the surgery. I was at the hospital every day.

Did it rekindle the fond memories? Yes. Did I fall for him again? No. But it gave me closure. Despite our tumultuous relationship and crappy ending, we are now, after all these years, on good terms.

Will there be services or a funeral? Going might give you some closure. I'm so sorry. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I'm so sorry.  You loved him once and now he isn't here anymore.  That is a hard thing to process.  Of course you would have conflicted feelings.  But you have every reason to feel sad and mourn for someone with whom you shared many years.  My condolences to you.

I am soooooooooooooo sorry. It is very sad when someone dies who was a part of your life.  You have some good memories, some very good memories and some memories that are  not so good at all.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve Disney. I do hope that you can meet up with some folks who knew him so you can grieve, however differently,,,grieve together. There is comfort with others around you.

(((HUGS))) to you.

There is always a connection 

You can feel however you want to feel.  No one should judge you - whether you want to do cartwheels that he is dead or want to bawl your eyes out in grief.  

I am now 72 (will be 73 in a few months).   I was single for decades and had many bad or so-so relationships along the way.  Many of my exes are now dead.  My first husband, a worthless POS, who is unfortunately (in my opinion) still alive had a severe heart attack a couple of years ago.  My first reaction was - oh too bad he made it.  Yes I am a really awful bitch - but the man not only did horrible things to me - but he also stalked me for decades at times even threatening to tell my employer of our past sexual history (as if anyone cared 20 years later). 

Others exes were not as toxic. I found true empathy and sorrow over their demise.

Net result - it's your call.  There is no right or wrong response. 

Wow, sorry - 46 is too young to die.

Wow so sorry to hear it. 46 is too young. 

This has happened to me as well. I only found out about his death after the funeral but I cried and mourned for a good bit even though it was five years after we had broken up. No one can tell you how to grieve so do your thing DF. All the best. 

I'm so sorry Disney. It's a lot to process. My mom was a mess when my dad died at 45, they had been divorced for ten years, and she was remarried. But he was the father of her kids, so different emotions there. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself any emotions you might feel. My brother died in October after a 30 year batle with HIV/AIDS, I find the GreifShare daily e mails very comforting. They are Chrisitan based though, just FYI. Take care.

I can imagine the confusion of emotions. Do something nice for yourself, take care of yourself. I am very sorry.