Bruise and accusations
I know that I don’t have BM problems near what others do on this site and I am so grateful for that as I deal with enough due to MIL and SS, but yesterday we had some drama and I have a question about how my DH responded.
SS7 stayed the night with MIL on Saturday. While in her care, MIL seen a small circular bruise on SS upper thigh. She told DH that SS said his stepfather spanked him while BM went to the store on Friday night.
MIL is a dramatic, busy body and exaggerates. Before SS gets home on Sunday, DH tells me what MIL said and asks what he should do. I told him that he needs to see it and talk to SS himself before getting all worked up about it because MIL tends to exaggerate.
Well SS told DH the same thing, which was that his stepfather spanked him and that’s where the bruise came from. So DH contacts BM about it and she starts going off about how SS wasn’t even alone with stepfather and how everything is always blamed on him and she isn’t going to let us drag his name through the mud, etc. Stepfather is not a great person btw, so his “name” isn’t that good to begin with, but we were doing no such thing, DH only called her to see if she knew about it. Now MIL on the other hand of course went to Facebook posting anti-child abuse memes and BM seen those because they are friends.
Then she goes on about how does she know that SS didn’t get the bruise at our house and that “countrymom” didn’t do it, that she’s heard that I treat him bad and that I’m mean to him and tell my daughters to be mean to him, etc. This of course pissed me off that I got brought into it and accused of any of that.
Now my question, when BM started trying to shift the blame on me, DH did not even address it. He ignored the statements like it wasn’t even said. He just kept repeating to her that he would talk to SS more and see if his story stays straight. So I know it’s good that DH didn’t feed into her rant, but I also feel a little upset that BM was defending her husband, but DH completely ignored that BM was trying to shift the blame on to me. Should DH have defended me or is it best that he ignored most of what she said?
Btw, I found it amusing that the blame was put on me and the stepfather. BM nor DH were ever “suspects” as the reason for the bruise on SS. Also, I’m not sure if I believe SS. He lies a lot and the bruise didn’t look like a belt bruise which is what he said stepfather used, but DH believes him and I don’t know why SS would lie about that, so I’ll support DH. BM and DH are supposed to discuss everything further.
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Comments
That stuff doesn't belong on
That stuff doesn't belong on facebook. DH needs to tell his mother to keep that crap offline. Even if MIL believes you , SF or the actual parents knocked the kiddo silly, this doesn't belong on facebook.
Child abuse is a serious issue and false accusations can ruin people. While I am not a 'spanker' to start with, I am definitely not one to believe a stepparent should ever lay hands on a stepchild. But that isn't what you're asking. My two cents on spanking is my two cents. If Dad and/or BM had attempted to bottom spank their child and kid wiggled around (not wanting spanked) and Dad or BM accidently got a bit of the spank on the less fatty tissue of the thigh which was small and circular would MIL jump to facebook and deem either of them a child abuser?
Genuine believed possible child abuse needs to be properly investigated by CPS, not judged on facebook.
One thing BM and Dad could agree on is perhaps modifying the CO to outline acceptable forms of discipline which would apply to all involved parents, stepparents and grandparents. Is that really the route you'd want to take. Has there ever been any signs of actual abuse on the child? Does anyone other than MIL seriously believe this child is being mistreated?
MIL didn't directly name the
MIL didn't directly name the stepfather, but all who know what is going on, knows it was directed at him, including BM.
I'm sure if DH had said he spanked SS and accidently got him on the thigh and caused the bruise, I guarantee 100% that she would not have posted anything on Facebook. I agree, nothing personal in my opinion belongs on Facebook.
None of us are against spanking, I believe the issue was leaving a mark and the fact that SS accused stepfather and not BM.
MIL believes that if SS isn't worshiped upon then he is being mistreated. BM does not treat SS great, but he is not abused. She just ships him off to other family members instead of caring for him herself. I'd say SS may feel some "abandonment" issues and less loved by her due to that.
Check your state. I live in a
Check your state. I live in a state where spanking is ok EXCEPT you can not leave bruises. Then it is considered abuse. Since she is trying to shift the blame I would go to police and at least have it photographed and let the kid tell his story to help cover you guys. I do wonder why its on his thigh though and not his butt also?
PLUS I agree a step parent should never be the one to spank and this kids getting a bit to old for it to be reasonable. By this age they are old enough to talk and to understand what they did wrong and what they should do. Time outs, lose of privileges, or stuff like that is best. Spanking by this age to me just seems to send mix signals. "Don't hit people" then hit the kid WTF?
This stuff scares the CRAP out of me. We got the kids bunk beds and SO doesn't really care about his son who's TINY being on the top bunk. I put my foot down because I know if he goes home with a bruise BM will over react and this is one place I'm not willing to take the risk. I warn him all the time. One bruise and she will have CPS on us in a snap. He's too young even according to the warning labels on the bed so I won that argument.
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It was is upper/outer thigh.
It was is upper/outer thigh. MIL seen it because he stayed with her Saturday night and I'm assuming after bath time, I did not ask.
SS is the one that said his stepfather gave him the bruise not just "someone", we didn't just randomly blame her husband to try and deflect onto someone else.
And I'm not sure how this is not our business?? Yes, I could stay out of it if I want and I am for the most part, DH is dealing with it but it is completely his business and his right to find out the truth.
I think her point was that
I think her point was that your DH accusing her husband is the equivalent to BM accusing you and there is no proof other than what SS says to who did it which will probably change based on which family is questioning.
This is not a stay out of
This is not a stay out of someone's business thing. This is a potential abuse. If the kid is lieing it needs to be dealt with. If it's truth then what happens the next time stepdad decides the kid needs a spanking.
Why did an adult hit a 7 year old hard enough to leave a bruise. Why is a step parent hitting the kid and why is the mother covering for it?
If it's no big deal then it shouldn't be met with such strong deflection.