SS and affection
Every so often I'd see SS7 watching DH and I or my bios and I, cuddle or be affectionate. Sometimes he'd even stare as DH and I kissed, which is super uncomfortable for me.
The other evening I was sitting on the couch and BD8 comes to lay next to me, which she does often, and I gave her a hug and kiss and said I loved her, then she continued to lay beside me. SS is watching the whole time, then he just says, "my mom never does that with me". I look at him and ask if he's being serious (SS tends to lie a lot), he said yes. At that moment I just said well if you want a hug come here and I'll hug you too! He gets up with a huge smile on his face and I give him a hug and kiss on the head. This is awkward for me as I do not like SS, but I try. I used to try to be affectionate to him, but he'd just give me dirty looks and push me away, so I quit and I also read to let steps set the pace.
Later that evening I called SS back to my room while I was getting things together for the next day to ask again if he was being honest. He tells me his mom hugs him but not very much and not as much as she does his little sisters. I just said that maybe your mom isn't an affectionate person, but maybe if you ask for more hugs she'll give them to you. Then I also told him if he ever wanted hugs from me that he's more than welcome and I pointed out that I used to hug him but he'd push me away so I stopped.
This actually broke my heart, I had to hold back from crying. It’s sad that SS doesn’t have a loving, good mother, but I know that I can’t replace that and I don’t want to. I also know that is part of why he acts the way he does. He’s starved for affection and attention from his parents. DH isn’t very affectionate towards anyone other than me either.
No advice really needed, except maybe how to fake affection if SS starts to want it from me!? I don’t love him, I can’t even say I like him yet. I care about him because he’s a child and he’s DH’s, but that’s it.
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I find the moment SD looked
I find the moment SD looked at me and said something along the lines of "i wish you were my mommy" because her mom broke yet another promise, my heart sank and I was able to see her in a whole other light. Instead of being that annoying 4 year old I couldn't stand, she became a helpless child that didn't have the mother she needed. Since then I've been able to be really affectionate with her - often i'm the one who brings her to bed, gives her a kiss, tucks her in, etc. It's not because I love her or feel that motherly bond towards her but because I feel sad that she doesn't have that.
I think if you can see him as a child that doesn't have the love and affection he deserves instead of seeing him as your stepchild who annoys you and isn't yours, that should help you break the barrier and fake some affection towards him. It sounds like he needs it. That's really upsetting and like you said, you can't be his mother but you can be caring and loving towards him when you realize how much he needs it.
Yes, it would help if I could
Yes, it would help if I could just see him as any child that is wanting affection, rather than the child that has been a pain for 5 years to me and my girls.
Thank you! I am trying and I
Thank you! I am trying and I know I've already helped quite a bit in the behavior area by having rules/expectations etc, but I haven't done much as far as "emotional support" for him. I did try at first, but like I said, he's push me away. But now that we had that talk I might try again and see how he responds.
I just wanted to add, I know
I just wanted to add, I know he's 7 so he's a bit older but they do recognize who ACTUALLY acts like a mom to them, although they might not say anything to you. SD5 is at her mother's for march break and I heard from DH's family members that she's been calling her mother by her first name and calling me "mommy sunshinex" which melted my heart. Not that i've replaced her, but I think her little mind realizes that mom doesn't act like a mom but sunshinex does. It's gotta be confusing for her, but at least she knows she has a motherly figure. It more than pays off to "fake it til you make it" in situations with stepkids who are deprived of love and affection!
That's terrible. We'll never
That's terrible. We'll never understand how BM's can be that way. I understand, as a BM myself, having those jealous twinges toward their SM, but I know the more people that love my girls, the better off they are. I would never say anything bad about their SM or try to get them to not like/love her.
It's hard to be affectionate with someone that is so negative towards you and the ones that you love. I can completely understand why you reacted the way you did. I'm sorry that is a big regret for you though.
way way back when there was
way way back when there was peace on Mars.,,
Aergia use to stare at me and SO or me and Deigma as well.... I would wrestle with Deigma or just hug him... yeah strange mother and son wrestling but it was more a thing of I wanted to hug him and he wanted to run kind of thing....
One day Aergia started crying and said... no one ever played with her like that, not SO and not BM... I know for a fact that it's true, cause SO never huged me, I sort of forced it... till he got use to it.... then I included Aergia.... I would hug her etc..
BM came back in the picture and Aergia pushed me to hell with nasty words, i stopped right there and then... She did try and get between me and SO when he would hug me after work saying hello, He simply looked funny at her and said, WTf is your problem...
they are not affectionate people... I had to teach SO