Munchkin is seeing the truth...
Well, this weekend was supposed to be split between Us, on Saturday, and Toxic Troll BM on Sunday.
Except for one thing.
Toxic Troll has a new "Dude" (knife boy see previous). She ALWAYS does this. Everytime. Spaced on the scheduled days, and was 2.5 hours away when DH called and asked "wtf, where are you its your day".
And as Munchkin is now almost a teenager, has seen and experienced it many times, she is seeing her mother for who she really and truly is. Its hurting her, and I feel sad for her, but grateful in a way, that the scales are coming off her eyes and she is learning the truth of things.
I tried to present it in a positive way, but munchkin was on some kind of anti-mom roll.
"Hey - as your mother sees you less and less to be with her dude, WE get to see you more and more!"
Didnt work. And her commentary - I cannot even make this stuff up..
Her reply was : "yeah. But here its quiet,its nicer, I have my own room, and can use the bathroom in peace, because mom has a peeing problem". (bladder infection? Should I explain that to her????)
I mentioned that there were a few different scanarios that COULD happen, if the "dude" works out:
1. Her mother has long distance relationship, which doesnt typically work out (her response was "none of moms relationships EVER work out". Ok, Im not taking that bait...)
2. Her mother moves up to be with dude. There is nothing holding her in our area, except..."me" she interjects sadly. Apparently he has a big house and munchkin then said "hes rich, and mom just wants to take him for all his money". Ok, that got a pause of silence from me. Like what do you say when a kid is suddenly bashing her own mother to you??? And a part of you is enjoying it???? That deep dark hidden part of you...and you want to tell her "and thats what she is currently doing to your father so she has had plenty of practice taking money from people"... whew thank goodness she cant read my mind!
I did mention the possibility of mom taking Munchkin with her, taking her away from us, her friends and family...she wasnt keen on that, and actually just stated "mom woud probably want to go up by herself, because shes all about just her".
choke.
3. Dude rents large nice house out, and moves down to moms tiny gross little apartment! Because, Twu Wuv. So she canc lean peoples houses, for extra cash, and keep custody arrangement, and have munchkin and Toxic Feral in her life and have dude be the sort of step dad.
She didnt like that one either - "hes creepy" she stated.
Poor Munchkin! Shes convinced herself that her mother is not missing her at all, and doesnt really want to be a mom anymore. I sort of agree. Shes a mother of the year when its convenient for HER, not really caring about anyone else.
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YEP
I changed the subject quickly. But she had brought it up, and continued. Without my provocation. Im definitely not perfect, but if she needs to unload her thoughts and emotions, I am a safe person to do so with. Im not mom and Im not Dad so I figure, let hr gt her feelings out there, as hard as they are.
But yes, dwelling on that stuff isnt good.
I fall into this trap
I fall into this trap regularly too CLove, but Fireball is right.
Sometimes, I find it so incredibly hard to keep my mouth shut when BM is being the biggest hypocrite, loser mom and hurting the skids (emotionally usually not physically). I have unfortunately found myself taking subtle digs at BM over the years that "help" my SDs connect the dots, but that's really not the way to go.
I end up putting the girls in an awkward position because even if BM is a total POS, they do still love her. Having me, a person they also love, reinforce their emerging belief that their mom is a POS does not actually help them because no one wants a sucky mother. It appeases my ego in the moment, but I feel crummy after because I know I took a low blow and did the very thing I'd be mad at BM for doing.
Maybe you could recommend that Munchkin journal about her feelings about her mom (rather than talking to you about it)? If my skids really want to have a conversation about BM, I try to let them do most of the talking and often find myself saying, truly and with sincerity, "We all want to be good parents, but being a parent is hard. We're all humans and everyone makes mistakes. Your mom is doing the best she can." It's the truest statement I can say and mean what I say, because I actually think BM is doing the best she can... for a totally unstable selfish lunatic. It just so happens that the best she can do sucks. But again, I say that last part quietly to myself. Haha.
Hang in there, CLove! I know how you feel.
Thank you
Its hard because for ONCE Im not the bad guy. But you know it can and will change. I will take your comments to heart.
You are a better woman than I am - I could never utter those phrases about Toxic Troll. Trying her best, is getting her makeup on to go see another dude.
But, yes, silence is golden in these situations.
"Creepy" is a little concerning
I know you have a fairly good relationship with Munchkin and I hope you can keep the lines of communication open in case Knife Dude is "creepy" in a way that might be dangereous to Munchkin. She needs to know there is someone she can talk to if he becomes an issue for her.
Yes
I sent a text yesterday after thinking about things. Just to keep her eyes open and trust her instinct. I did mention that being creepy isnt enough reason to break up with someone - you have to be in imminent danger, or threatened. But, I told her that she can call anytime. No questions asked we will pick her up, she doesnt have to feel trapped anywhere.
She is so lucky to have you!
She is so lucky to have you in her life. I admire the way you look out for her and care for her.