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At what Cost?

ChaCha's picture

Submitted by ChaCha on Mon, 01/13/2014 - 11:37am

I am completely over SS15 living with us...doesn't want to be here, hasn't made much change to habits of lying and stealing and regardless of how useless/neglectful BM is SS wants to be with her. I think it's understandable that most children hold out hope for their parents regardless of their faults. However even though DH and I agree that it may be time for SS to return to her we can't help but feel like we are giving up on SS. Honestly his chances for success are nil with her and the fact that DH had a second chance with SS almost seems like a slap in the face to the opportunity. But his continued behavior and the stress, frustration and dysfunction that affects the rest of doesn't seem to be fair either. If we allow him to stay until graduation, I can't help but wonder at what cost?

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ChaCha's picture

Submitted by ChaCha on Mon, 01/13/2014 - 11:54am

To me? I'm not sure I understand the question. He has a 50/50 chance of being a successful adult in society and a good relationship with DH but the wedge is deep between all of us over the last 4 years. I feel we are not together as a unit, whenever something happens everyone looks the way of SS.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Mon, 01/13/2014 - 1:25pm

That child is 15 years old if the child wants to go live with BM I say let him go but make it clear that once he leaves that he will not be coming back until aftr he is 18 years old.

SD18 did this when she was 15 actually she had some issues with her Mom and Mom took a pretty good beating to her so natually she wanted to hide 500 miles away at our house. She wasnt there 8 months and the expectations were to high (no lying, no stealing, no disrespecting, and no failing grades really high standards I tell ya) but anyway she immediatly started saying she wanted to go back to her Mom's

BM declined it and said she had to live with the choice she made she was not going to keep jumping states and schools at a whim.

I dont agree with much that BM does but I now understand why she had gotten the beat down she did and esp why BM said no. It is not fair for him to turn everyones like upside down as a whim.

So let him know he can go but he will be unable to go back and forth.

A good friend told me save the ones you can because you cant save them all

ChaCha's picture

Submitted by ChaCha on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:59am

You are absolutely right...and on a side note your "high standards" are the same as ours and I really don't look at them as high...I feel like these should be expectations of all parents. I'm sooooo worried about the lack of a positive relationship that will result for SS not having DH in his life on a daily bases especially at this age. If it's a struggle to parent with him in the home it'll be next to impossible with miles and miles between them and a vindictive and lazy BM. UGHHHHHHH!!! I just feel like there's no in between and I feel for DH.