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AT THE POINT OF GOING MAD!! - UPDATE

camews12's picture

Okay....here we go....I have been raising my fiances daughter for the last two years, she is now three. I have been in her life more than her own mother because her mother was sent to prison right after she was born and has been in and out of jail since.....Things were going find in the beginning, she has always been VERY smart for her age. She was going back and forth between her mom and dad, getting switched from daycare to daycare because her mother kept changing it for some odd reason, finally the day came my fiance got permanent placement, since that has happened mom went off the deep end and has been in jail since so her 3-yr-old has only talked to her via phone oh maybe once a month for three minute durations and she knows where she it, it's sad, all she talks about on the phone with her is why she's in jail and she'll come and get her out with her keys...just sad! Well once we got permanent placement we started fresh, we moved into a new house, we got her into a well-established daycare, things were GREAT for once in her life! Then a terrible tragedy happens at this new daycare a month in--a preventable accident happens to her where she ends up having to get 10 stitches in her head. She was TERRIFIED to go back so we tried sticking her in other daycares that she liked and was familiar with, same thing. Finally my fiance and I came to the decision I would quit my job and stay home with her. That is when things went DOWN HILL!!!

When I first met her she had no discipline and she was starting to become a well behaved child and my fiance was happy with the changes I had helped her through. NOW it seems like I'm the bad guy all the time. I swear she is a devil child! Her demeanor has completely did a 360 for the worse and I don't know how to handle it anymore. She doesn't listen, she argues with me, she doesn't use manners, I had her potty trained 3 months after meeting her and now at 3 she is wetting her bed and I don't mean a tickle here and a tickle there, I mean full blown wetting, she is wet from head to toe with p*ss, pillows, animals, blankets, EVERYTHING wet, it's disgusting. I was fed up with it, after 6 months of staying home with her I was done.

We just found out a month ago that we are having a little brother or sister and she seemed excited to be a big sister. We got her back in daycare because the stress was too much for me the way it is and now with baby I wasn't taking chances. But even now the few hours I have with her each night I can't handle anymore. Her new thing now is lying to me all the time. I'll pick her up from daycare and EVERY DAY she will tell me, they didn't let me go outside today...(um..well yes they did because A. your mittens are wet and B. your activity sheet says so...) I know it's a little lie but their progressing to get worse...I'll get to that in a bit.

**Mind you** Where's dad in all this?! Good question!!! Not around! Between work and meetings he is gone when we wake up in the morning and gets home after we have been in bed for a couple hours. Only times we see him in on the weekends. And so....since his daughter is a little daddy's girl and he never gets to see her he thinks it's okay to throw all my rules out the window, let her get away with anything, change habits up, never discipline her, you name it.....completely contradicting everything I do each day with her, it's so frustrating. Whenver I try to talk to him about it, his excuse is always, "She's only three....." I say f*ck that, no excuse!! He will allow her to boss him around like a little puppet and when he is around she makes one little wimper and BAM she's got her way!

But the whole reason why I'm telling you my whole life story is because last night was my last straw, her lying gets worse, listen to this...... So, our average day...I take her to daycare at 6:30A, I go home and enjoy myself while she's at daycare, I pick her up at 4:30P, we run some errands, we come home to prepare supper and then bed time. Last night we got home and I had some bills to pay so I went straight to the office where she is not allowed, so she grabs her paper and markers and sits on her table and colors me a picture while I am doing this. After I'm finished with paying the bills I start to create a little notebook cover for her with pictures of family and her name on it, she brings me the picture she colored me and notices what I'm doing so I go through the pictures with her and asks who everyone is, she names them all, as we're doing this...low and behold dad comes home early for once!!! She just goes RUNNING as soon as she hears that door open. I continue doing what I'm doing, I start to listen and here she is BALLING HER EYES OUT to him, she is wrapped around his legs as his walks in the office by me, she folds her knees to her chest and starts rocking back and forth crying telling her father that I told her to go to bed. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who ever said anything about bed?! So with my hormones and her lying I get up and leave the situation, I was UPSET (angry and sad) I couldn't believe what I just witnessed. So I seclude myself from them in the basement doing laundry and he puts her to bed during this time. He comes downstairs by me and tells me that she told him that I hit her all the time and I pushed her down and that she is scared of me. :jawdrop: What on Earth did I ever do to this child to deserve this, I have been raising her since she was basically a baby and I get this. I swear she is out to get me sometimes. If she's telling her dad these lies what is she telling her teachers, I'm not going to jail because a 3-yr-old wants to lie!

My fiance doesn't think it's a big deal...ah yes it is if they come after me! He didn't even explain to her that it was wrong of her to lie like that or didn't make her apologize or anything. And this morning...guess who took her to daycare, not me..... Right now things are screwed up! My fiance thinks that I am jealous of her and that I resent her, PLEASE! I do nothing but work my *ss off to keep this family afloat and this is how I am treated?! He wouldn't have placement of her right now if it wasn't for me! He wouldn't be able to work all day and go to meetings all night if it wasn't for me! That 3-yr-old little girl would not have ANYONE in her life if it wasn't for me being there 24/7 for her! Why do I get treated like this, again what did I do to deserve this. Where do I go from here?! I mean I quit my job and moved away from all my friends for this?! All I want to do is go back home for a week and I can't even do that because I have my obligations to her and if I try my friance gives me a guilt trip on how he won't be able to work with me gone not caring for her.

I'm at wit's end........what do I do.......?

**UPDATE** Well, he ended up picking her up from daycare after arguing with me...showered and ran off to a meeting. As I sit in the office when they arrive home all I hear out of his daughters little 3-yr-old mouth is negative comments about me, from the time they walk through the door until he left. Here I still sit crying wondering what to do. I can't care for myself let alone someone who speaks about me like that. OH, and dad said nothing to any of the negative things stated. Neither of them came to say Hi or anything. All I get before he leaves is, "are you stable enough to care for my daughter while I'm gone?" WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Now that dad is gone, I composed myself and went to spend time with SD, every time I would even look at her to speak she would start to cry, this continued, finally I got down on her level and asked what she did at daycare and what she ate, she started crying and ran off into her bedroom and slammed the door. What does a person do now?!

Comments

Aeron's picture

And if you weren't around - he'd have to figure something else out because oh yeah, he's the parent. So where you want to for the week and tell him to deal with it. You gave up everything for him and you're being totally unappreciated and he doesn't care. He's letting her lie about you and mistreat you and if that means he doesn't get to work all he wants because he has to figure out soemething else for his kid - too freaking bad - maybe he should realize how good he has it because you've taken on all of his responsibilities.

He wants to guilt trip you, why are you letting him? You know it's a guilt trip, tell him to suck it. Guilt him right back - you're pregnant and he's helping to create a stressful, unhealthy environment for you and your baby.

The "she's only three" comment would have me asking - well at what age are we going to try to turn her into a responsible, well-mannered child that will grow up to be a productive member of society who can take care of herself and be strong?

If dad wants you to raise her, he doesn't get to throw your rules out the window when he finally decides to show up - if he wants to do that, he can raise her by himself. I'd be informing him that it's not Her that you resent right now, it's HIM who is doing everything in the book to make your job and your role in her life That Much Harder every time he actually shows up for the family. You resent that he's taking you for granted and doesn't appreciate you. That he obviously doesn't respect you because he won't even tell her it's Wrong when his daughter lies about you.

I would definitely be taking off for a week and letting him figure out how much you do for them. Good grief.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Oh dear! I truly feel for you!! First Id like to commend you for all that youve fone for her. Youve gone above & beyond for her & your DH should be truly happy with all youve done for the two of them!!

Would your DH be willing to see a counselor with you? I think it might help him to realize all that you do, and he needs to support you more. She might still be very young, but this is a good time to teach her not to lie. I think things might get really bad if they arent dealt with properly. Perhaps talk with him & ask him how he wants SD to act in the future. Does he want her to listen, do well in school, have good manners? If so, teaching her these things now are an asset to thise things happen in the future.

I think your true problem is with your DH. He needs to support you & your efforts with her. For giggles, what would he do if his dd went to daycare & made allegations of him hitting her & pushing her?? Perhaps he should realize she could just as easily start doing this to him too!!!

camews12's picture

No rather than him or her going to councelling, he feels I should be the one, just because I have a past with depression he thinks it's that so I'm the one that's fucked up and needs to see someone which I do, I even got back on my medicine which I've been off of for YEARS, only reason I was on it was because of a stupid ass abusive boyfriend. He never likes to look at things my way, he always says I'm irrational. I have tried walking out on them so many times but I can't because I care too much to leave them both hanging since I am the one upkeeping them and when I truly am about to he guilt trips me.....

camews12's picture

What was your solution? Are you still in that situation and if so what did you do to fix things?

Tartsy's picture

Ah. I don't think I have the solution so much just yet. I am in therapy...and I hate therapy...so this is desperation for me.

I am not very happy right now as I am not sure our marriage will make it. Therapy will either send us our separate ways or bring us together. I can't say right now.

I will no longer let his kids walk on me if they are around. I will tell them off. I never knew how to act with them, so I never said much. The things they said were always shocking...took me time.

His kids are now all out...finally. I am in the situation of dealing with the resulting damage now.

camews12's picture

Oh my goodness, I feel for you and wish you the best. I don't want that to happen to me that's why I keep thinking it's best to just leave because I can't deal with her anymore but I love him so much I can't find it in myself to walk away. ALL of our problems have to do with her, if she wasn't in the picture we would be fight free and happy as could be...well as any normal couple could be anyways....Like I said in a post earlier he wanted me to take therapy when I feel either his 3-yr-old or him or maybe them both together should take therapy. He thinks she's too young for that though, he doesn't want to face the facts that something is wrong with her. I've been telling him she has something, whether it be ADHD like him or sometimes I feel she's bi-polar like her crazy mother. I'd rather catch and try to treat the issues early but he doesn't agree....I do truly wish you well and keep me up to date, I just hope our relationship continues like this and ends with what your going through now..

Tartsy's picture

Thanks. I hope you feel better too!

I hope he at least will decide to join you even if it is once. If not, I hope you can find some solutions that work for you, some peace of mind.

Our issues also all had to do with his children. Unfortunately, his kids' (all adults)departures left us with those icky results. I can't say it helps me resent them less Wink

At least they are gone, but he really was entirely too wrapped up in their manipulations. He does not know how to support me (according to him). So that is why he is going with me.

BUT! The first time we went, the therapist told us we were not at all ready for any kind of "together" counseling. She wanted to see us separately and left us with a very sketchy thought about our marriage ever working out. So we are kind of going with the flow right now. We do not want to divorce, but must find a way to get over the damage.

Kes's picture

Your DH is getting a good deal, isn't he? I totally agree that you should take off for a week, and leave him in charge of his daughter, see how he copes. Don't take any ridiculous nonsense about him not being able to get time off. She sounds a very troubled, difficult child to manage, and it's unlikely to get any easier unless he starts putting in some effort as a father instead of leaving it all to you.