Breaking "First Family" Traditions
I am realizing just how important breaking certain first family traditions are before you are in a new relationship and not during. My SO has always done holidays even (travel for holidays) together whilst divorce and with extended family. Well in the coming week BM and the kids are going to their home country for an annual trip they take around this time. My SO with the exception of last year due to covid has always done these trips with them.
Obviously due to pass conversations he knew where I stood on this issue. So he isn't going. Now he did ask if I would consider going next year and spending at least one of the two holidays with his family. As in BM will be with her family and we will be with his family. He has elderly grandparents in their 90s whom I have yet to meet and for whom he is very fond of. I told him I didn't know because it falls within school and I don't believe in taking kids out of school just because. I also offered to create our own holiday celebration and I encouraged him to speak to BM about sharing some of the holidays.
He isn't happy at my suggestions because the two holidays that he goes for every year is mostly within school time. He also intended to explain to the kids that he isn't going because their home country is not allowing non-citizens to travel because of covid and it wouldn't be fair for him to go without me plus even his aunt and uncle who live in the US can't go. Obviously that would not be honest but he also did not tell them the full truth and went with he has a busy work schedule.
The thing is the kids and family are not stupid and they will know that he is changing the status quo and attribute it to the new relationship. And I am already struggling to fit into his family. I am already preparing to be blamed for these boundaries. The aunt and uncle did invite us (including my kids) to celebrate with them this year.
I told him I have offered to do our own holiday or he can go and do it with his aunt and uncle. I really feel uncomfortable with how close his aunt is to BM. And I do not foresee them changing their behavior.
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This guy is too enmeshed with
This guy is too enmeshed with his ex for my taste, and so is his family. I think it's the poster JRI who says that divorced people have to "do the work" before getting with someone else. Meaning they have to establish their own life with their kids post-divorce. Your SO has not done the work. He isn't ready.
He definitely need to do some
He definitely needs to do some work. Before BM and him got divorced; BM was practically a single mom because of his work schedule. He traveled a lot and was not there a lot and they got into this pattern of BM and the family members doing all the leg work for the kids and he just showing up and tagging along at appropriate junctions. And it is the same system that they run now. Except he has the label of trying to be a reformed workaholic by doing more for the kids. Which translates into doing more "family stuff". Add on top of that he had co-parenting counseling that told him that being a good dad is doing family stuff with the ex. And we cannot discount what part losing a child and his refusing to acknowledge how deep that is plays.
I am honestly building boundaries with all of them to certain degrees. But how much simpler would his life be if he actually worked through this stuff.
" co-parenting counseling
" co-parenting counseling that told him that being a good dad is doing family stuff with the ex"
I have to admit that I find that a bit surprising. If you're going to keep doing "family stuff" with the ex, why get divorced in the first place. I kind of wonder how that counsellor sees the step family's position in that kind of situation. Besides, wouldn't that kind of thing give the kids false hopes that they'll get back together again some day? Weird.
Apart from that, honestly, this relationship seems to be so much more effort than it's worth. You keep tying yourself in knots trying to be agreable to him and his family and none of them are doing you the same courtesy. They seem hell-bent on keeping you on the outside, making sure you understand that you are not "one of them". There's a limit to how long anyone can stand that before it begins to take its toll on their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Why do you keep banging your
Why do you keep banging your head trying to force this relationship?
I promise, this isn't the only man that will date you.
Seriously, let go. It's never going to work out how you need it to.
The old marriage is no longer
The old marriage is no longer intact.
When you remarry, it is time to start new memories that are NEW family traditions.
Odd your boyfriend still cant do that, right? Maybe he is not as ready to move on as you think he is. Be careful, ok?
My dh of almost 20 years could not wait to start our new lives together completely new lives. There was nothing about his past with his ex that he wanted...
Aside from the relationship
Aside from the relationship piece of whether or not this is the right relationship for you, if you do plan to try and make this work, you're going to have to look at your own biases in this and make some changes. Saying "I don't believe in taking my kids out of school for no reason" or however you phrased it is likely hurtful to him because you're saying his beliefs and culture aren't "worth it" to you.
If I recall correctly, he is Jewish. His family is Jewish. His kids are Jewish. Their holidays and traditions are not going to fall in line with general western culture that prioritizes Christian holidays in scheduling. Jewish holidays are going to fall during school times, and if you want to blend families, that means either your kids will need to skip school to observe something important to your SO OR you'll have to coordinate with your ex or other family to keep the kids while you spend time with him celebrating.
I totally understand why you don't want to spend a holiday with BM. However, not going with him to visit family during holy times is inconsiderate. It's the equivalent of him saying he won't travel with you at Christmas or Easter or whatever other familial/social/religious holiday is important to you. Even if none of those are important to you, they're seemingly important to him. The option isn't to not include yourself; the option is for you to make whatever arrangements you're comfortable with to celebrate with him.
You can't expect him to only assimilate to your culture if this progresses to a serious relationship. You have to find ways to assimilate to his culture, too. That may mean that you two only travel to his home country every other year versus annually (due to cost, time, PTO, etc), but you can't just say no.
He is not religious so this
He is not religious so this is strictly cultural to him; not that religion supersedes culture but if you believe God will punish you for not celebrating vs honoring your traditions is two different viewpoints on how precisely you look at the holiday. I do value his culture that is why I offered for us to do our own thing. I would have taken my kids off school for the two holy holy days. But if we travel to his home country they would be out of school for 2 weeks. I don't ever take my kids out of school except when they are sick or there is a funeral or something. So very rare. I admit that I am no expert on Judaism nor Christianity for that matter but I have at times done Christian holidays with just my kids.
My SO isn't keen on a just us celebration. And I am just wanting to know is it because he wants to have a larger unit or is it because a larger unit is needed. Of course wants matter but this would give me a better understanding for us to make compromises.
DH’s family kept inviting BM
...because she was the mother of DH's kids and the former aunt of their kids.
DH put his foot down and said it was either her or him. That not only did she treat him like crap, she was even worse to me. And he had zero desire to be anywhere near her.
They stopped inviting her.