I’m selfish apparently
A few weeks ago I came back from vacation with my BF’s family. I thought it went well. But his mum had a conversation with him where she told him that she thinks I am selfish and depriving him of his relationship with his kids.
In the past I would never go on these trips because I think it is weird going on vacation with BM and the kids even though they are both going to see their separate families. Plus my kids missed a couple of weeks of school. However, it was actually not too bad because I hardly saw BM because she was with her family as opposed to if we stayed at home where she had no family.
I was actually anticipating it being our default option in future.
Apparently, his mom felt that she saw her grandkids less than usual. BM declined some family events and told his mom that she (BM) didn’t want to go because I do not like when BM goes to family events. His mom feels the holidays are about making memories with the children and I prevented them from making memories with their grandkids and he with his kids.
Now I have no problem celebrating holidays or events with the kids. None whatsoever! I do not think that it is a need for kids to have their parents together for every holiday or event. It is a want. I do not want BM there and in adult relationships my wants can come before the kids wants in this instance. Their needs come above all else though. It has nothing to with being spiteful towards BM either. I do not know if it is selfish or not but that is how I think about it.
I am also being accused (by I think his DD through the family) of not wanting his kids around because I said that it was not functional for the kids to come and go between houses as they please. Especially when it comes to making dinner or if we have other plans. The eldest follows a strict diet and I have to be particular about the food I order when she visits. My BF agreed to set the limits on the kids, that they must follow the schedule and if a visit is unschedule there must be notice.
Now he feels like we should drop the rule and allow the kids to come over when they want. He’ll ask the eldest to make her own meals. And if we have plans we should inform the kids ahead of time so that they know not to visit. I told him it is ridiculous to live in that way; you do not know how many kids are going to be in the house in the evening and at what times. That is too chaotic.
The oldest on the other hand has been another story. I have tried so hard to develop a relationship and to go out of my way to include her in things that I do with DDs or do something with just her and me. But she has made up her mind that she doesn’t like us. I know he is feeling pressure from her end because it is affecting their relationship. She has been coming over less. And when she does come over she brings friends over or spend the entire time talking to her friends online instead of with the family.
That is also an issue with his DD, she refuses to communicate with us or even her father alone. Instead she will speak with BM or her great aunt or his mom and have them talk to my BF on her behalf. She refuses to discuss things within the household or just one on one with her dad.
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It is not normal for Exes to
It is not normal for Exes to go on vacation together.. and the fact that he carried on this "tradition" long after they were split.. and wants to still do it? yikes.. that is not something I would be up for.
He needs to set his mother straight that HE does not want to have holidays with his EX.. and that he understands that means that by extension.. his kids may need to celebrate at other times with him and his family.. if it is during their mother's custody time.
I mean.. apparently my DH's aunt used to have vacations with her EX and his new wife and the kids for the kids' sake.. that is just inconcievable to me.. the guy cheated with this new wife.. uh.. no. I am not turning the other cheek there.
He also needs to clearly tell his mother to leave you OUT of it.. that these are his decisions.. and now that HE is in a committed relationship.. he wants to be respectful to his wife.
I would not be totally happy with the open door policy.. I would want to know when I would be expecting people in my home. If they have a reasonable visitation schedule.. and you aren't objecting to instances where they ask to come over? I don't see the problem.
The fact is that it is more cumbersome now for the kids to have to plan.. but they will get used to it.
It was hardly a vacation
It was hardly a vacation together.
BM visited her family and he visited his in the same country over the high holidays. I only saw her twive over the holiday period. If we were state side I would have seen everyday during the holiday period.
You would have seen BM
You would have seen BM everyday if you were stateside? Why?
Usually, they do the option
Usually, they do the option above; travel back to their home country.
However, during covid it was not possible, so they celebrated with stateside family. Except all stateside family is actually my BF's family. And they invited BM.
Not normal at all. And likely not healthy at all... for anyone.
My XILs invited my DW, SS and I to their family reunions/gatherings at their ranch when we ran into them shortly after we moved back to that city. Nope, I politely declined.
Fortunately, I did not sully my own gene pool with that criminal family.
Selfish
Thats what they like to spew. Shame on the SM for not wanting to make memories with BM. Didnt ya know you have to sister wife it?
Unless your DH sets hard boundaries your life will be miserable. Frankly hun, it sounds like he tries but then family whips him back into shape. Gang mentality. You are the scapegoat lady. He isnt firm enough, he isnt valuing your perceptions, KIDS FIRST. Leave the door unlocked, because ya never know when a skid will pop by. Have plans? Forget about it.
Hope you are able to rectify this and your DH realizes this isnt fair to you.
Sister wife it!
IMHO, when ithe Skid is with the CP, the NCP can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without notifying BM or the Skids. The only duty to notify the CP that the NCP has if if the NCP has the kids and there will be a glitch in hand off. Other than than what the NCP does, ever, is none of the CP's business and if the kids are not with the NCP, it isn' any business of the kids either. IMHO of course.
The NCP has one primary advantage. They do not have to take visitaiton if they choose to not take visitation. The CP on the other hand, is on the hook to care for hte kids regardless of what the NCP chooses.
If I were an NCP paying CS, I would keep that advantage firmly in mind and when it benefited my plans, I would use it. If the CP bitched about it, I would remind them that the CS I pay them is for the care of my children and the CP has no choice.
Though if there is a reasonable interface between the CP and NCP, none of these games are necessary.
if we have plans we should
This is no way for adults/parents to live. You don't need to inform BM (through the kids) of your plans on non custody time.
So the kid can drop in at anytime. All you need to do is always have her special.diet food always available. If this goes through, put BF in charge of buying her food.
That would make me go cuckoo
That would make me go cuckoo for cocoa puffs! My parents divorced and were on good terms. They coparented very well. There was an open door policy with my dad but that was before he remarried. I always asked after that. It would've been rude not to ask first.
Your MIL needs to shut it. It's perfectly normal for kids of divorce to split their time between parents and their parents families. There was no reason for BM to be there. My mom was invited a time or two to my dad's family gatherings and she always declined. They were divorced. She was invited at least once after my dad died. They were all on good terms, even my mom and step mom got along, but it would have been very awkward still. Exes are exes for a reason! They don't spend holidays and travel together! If they were going to do that, why split?
My mother in law had the same
My mother in law had the same type of thoughts. My entering the family only highlighted the hypocrisy and dysfunction and brought it out from under the rock. Do not for second give up in the name of this dysfunction. I made that mistake and it caused so many problems. Stay in the healthy boundary lane and if they can't, leave them to it. If BF can't stay out of the dysfunctional pull of his mother, you will have bigger issues that might not ever be worked out. Spell out your expectations and give him a chance.
As a teen, I believed that
As a teen, I believed that the open door policy was how it should be. I was mortified when I brought a friend to my mom and SF's house that I lived in 80% of the time and found out they were engaging in adult play time. I was upset at THEM because that was MY home and I shouldn't have to ask permission to be there.
Then I became an adult and SP, and it all made sense. Not even just from the adult play time perspective. Weeks that kids aren't around are VASTLY different from when they are. Food prep is different, sleeping schedule is different, having friends over is different. Heck, the likelihood that I'm watching television on my couch naked when kids aren't around is a solid 95%.
There is a very reasonable compromise of the kids only coming over on their scheduled nights and calling beforehand to ask for permission on other nights. Kids can and do abuse open door policies to avoid punishments or dinners they don't want to eat. The other parent can abuse open door policies because it means they don't have to parent those nights they don't want to. It's disrespectful to everyone's time, and in a society where custody time = more/less CS being paid to the another party, it's an added financial burden, too.
OP, your BF needs to decide who he wants to please in all of this. He seems to sway with the breeze. Your "demands" don't seem that off the wall, and there seems to be a lot of room for compromise. Either he is on a similar page as you and you two can work it out or he's on Team First Family. If he is on Team First Family, you may need to decide that this isn't working for you.
Something Husband and I agree on
The whole visitation schedule "flexibility option".
I think youve distilled it to the perfect essence.
Things are different with the extra person/people that you are responsible for. The difference in energy. Especially if high maintenance.
Are you the first Woman
to come into his life after the divorce? And I mean to REALLY come into his life as in live together, marriage etc.? Because it sounds like he is a deer in the headlights and does not know how to manage a family with many moving parts. Most men have a significant learning curve. It is helpful if they have been in a serious relationship or two before you come a long and they start to get with the program. I don't envy the first woman to deal with a man, his kids, BM and in laws right out of the gate of divorce. I was my DH's first serious relationship after divorce and I had to learn with him. His preteen/teen kids resented no longer having daddy all to themselves. His family had their issues but at least I don't have a meddling MIL. As woman we tend to learn these lessons of the heart a little faster and then we are stuck teaching everyone else how to treat us. It is a thankless job and a delicate balance to push for what you need and deserve but not to push too far too fast. If he really loves you he will shape up and do better but it may not happen overnight and there will be costs to you and the relationship involved. It is too bad there isn't more understanding in our society of how step families can effectively operate.
I have always found it puzzling how the weak, lame, and lazy
tend to label the motivated and successful as selfish or lucky.
What these loosers label as selfish is where smart people succeed at the intersection of preparation and opportunity. You have succeeded in advancing your life and happiness while your MIL is latched on to her mutigenerational failures as evidenced by her BM centric idiocy. An X is no longer family to their X, or to their former inlaws. Family status for a kid's spouse only lasts as long as the marriage does. They may maintain a relationship, but they are no longer family. I am fortunate that my parents & brother wrote off my XW when she left knocked up by her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. The ease of that is due to not having blended gene pools with her.
Kid memories post divorce are made with Mommy and Daddy and their families separately. Trying to plaster over reality is naive at best and invariably toxic for the kids.
IMHO of course.
Keep being "selfish". You have earned it.
Stick to those boundaries.
My skids are late 30's early forties and they think they should still be able to do all the things you've mentioned. Drop by, no problem. Eat food, no problem. Use whatever dad has, no problem. I set pretty firm boundaries 5-7 years ago and I am so glad I did. Oh and they had a huge adjustment to not celebrating every holiday with Mommy and daddy. They still don't get it. Divorce means you don't do that "family " stuff any more. If DH and I went to everything they do together we would be seeing BM once a week. I can't take that much chaos in my life. I'm selfish too. ;)