I get it now. (Food for thought)
When I was in elementary school my aunt remarried.. They were both on their second marriage. My aunt had no children, but my uncle had 3 adult daughters from his previous marriage. MSD I met when I was 6 or 7. She was nice and receptive.
OSD and YSD I didn't meet until I was 12. Like MSD, OSD was nice and receptive. YSD not nice at all. She was cordial but definitely made no attempt at trying to be part of the family.
My aunt and uncle would have parties and she would retreat to the basement, which served as my uncle's man cave. I couldn't understand why she acted this way.
She did however have a somewhat good relationship with my aunt. I honestly never understood why she was so cold and distant until I became a SM.
K was not interested in getting to know my aunt's family. She cherished the relationship with her dad, and saw the importance of having a relationship with his wife. Anyone else didn't matter.
I guess she disengaged as I have done with SS12 and SS15. Now that I am a SM, I get it now. My revelation has actually stopped me from being bitter towards her.
It also has helped me realize when it comes to DH, my marriage to him is my main priority.
Just some food for thought.
I always see it as... This
I always see it as...
This kid from a divorced family, who's been casted away by one parent, will never accept a step parent, mainly cause they do not want to go through the feelings of being rejected again by an adult. Now this COD does everything in their power to keep distance from the new adult, SM/SF, who's actually nice etc. They do not want to let this person in and they do not want to get close, cause what if there's another divorce/break up...
Thus I say it should be part of any divorce, all kids and adults should at least get a 6 months of therapy... before they are officially divorced
Acra I couldn't agree more. I
Acra I couldn't agree more. I definitely think my Skids needed to be in therapy. I think it would help with the relationship with the new SP.
I find that I sort of feel
I find that I sort of feel the same way as an SM. I don't expect my Skids to think I'm wonderful or a second mom to them, but after a couple of seemingly minor incidents, I find I'm a bit aloof from them (maybe not aloof enough for them to notice). I also have lots of CoDs who will tell me that now that they're adults, they realize that their SMs are actually pretty good people, but they still don't think much of them and barely had any regard for them when they were children.
Being in a step relationship is weird for both stepkids and stepparents. They've all been forced together because they love the same person, but that doesn't make it easy to build a functional relationship. I wish there was more support for blending families that required everyone to sit down and set realistic expectations and also to discuss that maybe the SKid doesn't participate in all family activities for the SM's family and that's ok or maybe the SM does her thing for most of the time when the Skids are with dad and that's ok.
I also think that both parents should have to sit down during the divorce process and learn about how to set clear boundaries and how to give up control of certain elements of their children's lives, to allow the children to live comfortably in both houses. Someone needs to call both parents on the BS that they pull in the name of "doing what's best for the children."
Finally, I agree that all family members should be required to get therapy after a divorce. I might even require therapy or discussions with extended family members on dealing with post-divorce boundaries, on being supportive, on not creating more drama for a family that already has enough drama, etc.
Struggling SM you touched
Struggling SM you touched upon something and I follow this.... I do not make SS12 and SS15 participate in anything with my family. Often times depending on what the occasion is, I will tell DH he doesn't have to go.
I am actually fine with Ssons not coming because they would probably not have fun and ruin my time.
In retrospect, I think my uncle may have been oblivious to MSD's distance. OSD and MSD receptive behavior may have masked her disengagement.
i know of a person who is a
i know of a person who is a step daughter herself.
her parents split up and parents remarried while she a child. her father virtually ignored her and her siblings while immersing himself in the children of his new wife.
she said fathers are one of two things. they either go crazy for their own children, ignoring the needs and feelings of the new spouse (as did mine) or totally ignore the feelings of their own children.
there is no middle ground.
True. There doesn't seem to
True. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. I would be curious to know what complaints my aunt had about my uncle.