Read my prior blog for background info.

So the real reason why I am so tired, is because DH and I got into a big fight after he got back from his call regarding OSD possibly moving back and I didnt get any sleep last night.

Obviously if she moves back, it is what it is. I cant stop it.

I have so many feelings/emotions regarding this.

With 4 skids and 3 of them not liking me, its been nice to have one of them live out of state. It's one less person's venom that I have had to deal with. The thought of the 3 girl skids being in the same city- Ugh I dont know if I can handle it.

Here is more people (OSD and her 2 babies) that I have to "compete" with for time and energy from DH.

I am not against OSD coming to our home to visit at all. We dont like each other but she has only been in our home 1 time. As long as she is respectful I have no problems with her coming to our house to visit.

DH is already trying to coordinate visits with YSD15, SS21, MSD19 every other weekend. Movies and dinners. So I'm like okay here is another person he has to pay for, so he can go on these "Dates".

I dont want MSD in my house (she's a thief and disrespectful) and I get it that DH wants to see MSD and GB.

But I keep thinking- as adults- how long is he going to be doing these EOW "dates" with them?

As an adult I have never lived in the same city as my parents, so I dont know how this works. I see my dad 2xs a year??? My mom 6-10 times a year.

OSD is already asking for DH's help finding an apartment. Okay here is another adult that DH has to help. DH is already spending weekends fixing cars, moving furniture, fixing stuff around the aparement. Again since I have been an adult, I have not relied on my parents to do help me with these things.

Some of my feelings are jealousy.

DH plans all this stuff with the skids. I cant get him to plan anything with me and BS. He has no problem staying sober long enough to spend time with his kids, but do I get that from him, NO.

I do know his kids love him but I also see how they use him. How they do BM's bidding to try and screw him over. How they only call when they want something or want him to take them to the movies and to eat.

And yet I feel like he never even engages my BS. He says he has no issues with BS. And BS actually doesnt seem affected by DH's lack of involvement in his life. I think he has gotten use to it. But I KNOW BS would love for DH to spend time with him. Here is a kid who loves DH, respects him, would bend over backwards for him and DH rarely engages him. As time goes on, it gets less and less.

Obviosuly no matter what DH's kids do (how horrible they act) he is going to love them. But it hurts to see him act all giddy about his own kids and then there is BS and he can barely muster a grunt for him. Its hard to see.

It's hard to think this is my "Family". This is what I wanted all my life- just a family and THIS is what I got. And I did it to myself. It's a hard pill to swallow.

DH isnt THAT involved in his own kids lives, so I shouldnt be surprised. When we were first together, we did a lot of things as a family and DH did a lot of things with BS. But now that he takes his visits outside of the home, its like he doesnt have time for BS.

I feel like DH has 2 families. I'm tired of it. I'm always thinking, okay when is DH going to go with his kids. Because I am disengaged (for good reason) I never really know what is going on. I feel like I am waiting on him to decide what he is doing with his kids before I can make plans for our life.

I dont like that I dont have a relationship with my DH's kids. I wish that we could all get along at least well enough to where I dont feel so outcast. Its an awful feeling, having these feelings about people who are in my life, whether I like it or not. No matter how disengaged I am , they still affect me and affect my life.

I feel like when is our marriage going to start? When can we start living our lives? When do I get to feel secure in our marriage? When do I get to feel like I can plan something and not have to worry about the skids. When can I celebrate Christmas and not have to worry about his kids ruining it?

OSD possibly moving back has opened a lot of feelings in me and my marriage.

I sometimes think, I am not cut out for being a "Step Mom". But really its I am not cut out for having people in my life that I dont want in my life. The skids are people I would never associate with if they werent my DH's kids, yet because they are, there is nothing I can do about it.

DH and I are "fine" but I spend A LOT of time thinking the "what ifs". What if we didnt get married. What if I had found someone who wanted a family. What if the skids and I got along, how would things be different.

Thanks for letting me vent... feeling a lot of emotions right now.