Try and try again. It took me 6 months to disengage.

Example 1:
DH: "Love, I'm worried about Chucky's school"
Mon: "I'm sorry to hear that darling, how does your roast beef taste?"
DH: "I'd really like to talk about Chucky's school"
Mon: "I hear you would like to talk about your son's schooling. I can't talk about that with you. How is your roast beef?"

Example 2:
Chucky poops on the toilet and wee's on the floor
Mon: "Darling, here's the mop, bucket and disinfectant. Please clean your mess in the bathroom" *kiss on cheek*

Example 3:
Chucky: "Monchichi my mother says I don't have to listen to you"
Mon: "That's nice dear"

Chucky: "Monchichi I'm hungry"
Mon: "That's nice dear"

Chucky: "Monchichi you hate me *cry*"
Mon: "I'm sorry you think that dear" carry on making my kids lunch
Chucky: "I made you hate me"
Mon: "Yes dear"
Chucky: *cry*
Mon: "Darling, your son needs you" walk out kitchen

You either have to be all in the disengagement or don't bother. You can't have it both ways. If you are going to disengage, you can't expect to run to your DH about petty skid grievances, like skid left wet towels on the floor, or skid's room is a pig sty or this or that. Not your kid not your problem. Now if it's BIG stuff.. like skid stole money or something that effects you directly, then that's different.

It took me a couple of tries. I started out being "disengaged" from SD by simply steering clear of her and not offering to do anything for her (cook, taxi, etc) but I would still bitch to DH about her nasty room, about her using my bathroom, about her "borrowing" my stuff etc. Nope, that didn't work.

Second time around I disengaged completely. If SD was "borrowing" my stuff? I handled it. By taking my shit back and then hiding everything. If SD's nasty room bothered me, I simply shut the door and any of her crap I found laying in the bathroom or the rest of the house, I'd either throw in the trash or toss in her room and shut the door. I never offered to cook for her, take her anywhere, or do anything for her. Failing school? Oh well, too bad so sad. No clothes because they were all in a heap on her closet floor? Too bad so sad. I'm not the laundry fairy. etc etc.

I gradually disengaged. I progressively did less, disciplined less, engaged less, anticipated and planned less. Started letting DH handle it, or not. The last disengagement straw broke when SDthen12 gleefully told me that BS would have autism when I was 8 months pregnant. I did it for my sanity and peace and DH totally understood that I wouldn't do anything for them going forward.

After that, I functioned as if they weren't there. It took a while for my emotions to disengage though. A friend told me that true disengagement is no emotional reaction, response, or feedback. She was so right, I gave up my peace and power every time I got frustrated.

I leave EVERYTHING to DH now. It sucks for skids but they all made their beds.

For me, disengagement also includes making a promise to myself that unless BM and GBM are dead, I will never live with skids. I pray for the health and wellbeing of BM and GBM often.

I gradually disengaged as well.

Summary: I figured out what were my "hot points" and what I could not disengage from - using furniture as gym equipment, mortal danger, leaving personal items in shared space for more than 24 hours, etc. I had a list of about 8 things I would fully engage on.

I do not engage at all in discipline unless it's in my "hot points" and I will go get one or the other SD to pick something up if I feel like it OR I throw it away or donate it to charity. Depends on how I feel about it. And I don't discipline as a result, just demand action. Or, I ask DH to do it. He recently was annoyed with me for asking him to do something SD12 didn't do. "Why don't you ask her yourself?" he commented. Me, "I don't do that. Because if I do that with you here I am often called too strict." DH, "No, I don't." Me, "You sure do." DH, "Well I don't see you asking (one of the SDs) much." Me, "Exactly the point. I don't even bother asking them."

I do not engage in food issues. If they don't like it, fix something else or DH can take care of it. I don't buy food specifically for SDs.

I don't buy clothing for SDs.

I don't do laundry for them.

I have locks on some cabinets so they can't get into stuff they shouldn't be accessing.

Basically if it's discipline, basic parent stuff either DH or BM should be doing, or providing "extras" I don't engage. If DH wants to make his life harder by not having the SDs clean up, have basic bathing/self care skills, learn to be responsible, not my issue. Not my pocketbook.

I don't even buy bday or xmas gifts for SDs as of this year due to lack of thanks and derisive comments received last year. DH knows this.

I was a slow learner disengager. It took me way too long and I wasted too much time and money trying to make it right. Thinking I could. I was continuously disappointed; like hitting your head against a wall. I was getting no where-fast.

Six years later and a ton of misery in my history, I realized I was done; done trying, caring, and worrying. I was invisible, nobody cared about my feelings, including my husband, so I have taken the position of being exactly that--gone. I have erased them out of my life in every way, shape and form, he nor I ever mention them; they do not exist to me; he does anything he would like, doesn't tell me and I do not ask; because now I sincerely do not care. Finding others like me on this site, did me a world of good too.

It is His alone to deal with, and I have never been happier. I regret not seeing the forest for the trees. Sometimes there is no happy ending to the fairy tale and you have to accept it and create your own life.