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Disengagement - Reaction

Cover1W's picture
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I'm fairly disengaged from the SDs on most any "corrections" that should be made.
DH has undermined me, ignored my advice he asks for, reversed corrective actions I've done with the SDs, blatantly told them they don't have to do it it really...etc.

I've been asking DH to do what they don't with regularity.
It's a lot of stuff, but basic stuff - shoes/boots left in living room, dirty dishware left in living room, a dirty plate left in the freezer (?), washing dishes but not really washing them, etc, not doing their laundry, not cleaning up bathroom, etc.

DH kind of lost it on me yesterday when I asked him to please take care of the dirty plate in the freezer. His answer, "It's no mine." Like SD13stb14! No different.

Then he comes into the kitchen PO'd about a list of things I'd asked/commented on to him over the weekend. Yeah, I wasn't in the best of moods, I'll admit that for sure. Nothing was said at all to the SDs by me, just to him (when SDs weren't there). So I let him fume. Then we talked.

* I don't go from 0 - 100 just because of ONE plate. It's due to a whole list of things I may have done or asked someone to take care of and that's the last straw.

* I have no say over asking the SDs to do anything if he's there. Gave examples of his undermining so he at least understood.

* Asked him, "What EXACTLY do you want me to do if I perceive I have no power in a situation? HOW do you want me to approach you? I have no idea b/c I've tried multiple things and nothing works."

* He told me we're lucky the SDs are smart and good and do well in school. I agreed with him and told him that I don't hate them at all, they ARE great kids. BUT even great, smart kids NEED TO LEARN LIVING SKILLS AND SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY. He agreed.

* I told him I would not make decisions that are solely for he and BM to make (i.e. personal hygiene, school decisions, insurance decisions, etc.). He agreed.

* I told him if he wants me to have more control around the house (and he said he does b/c it's hard) then we have to discuss what exactly that means to me and him. Me: dirty dishes around the house are disgusting and easy to clean up. DH: he doesn't mind dirty dishes hanging around for a couple days.

* Then, once we come to an agreement on what we need to agree on, then how does he, or I - if that's the case, approach it? Will he let me tell them to clean up? Ex: SD13 throwing her hair all over the shower walls and not throwing it away, or her prying up the screen on the drain so that she doesn't have to throw away the hair (happened 3x, and I think DH did it once!). Can I be enabled to go down after she showers and make sure the hair is cleaned up? EACH TIME? Will he not engage her and support my decision? Because the one time he does it's all over.

So we'll see. We've just started the discussion.

And if I hear those SDs say ONE MORE thing about how "ugly" our fake tree is (they WANTED IT last year and yay - lots of $$ saved) I'm going to tell them if I hear one more word I'm taking it down and we'll have NO tree. And I don't care how DH reacts.

ESMOD's picture

It's tough when the two adults can't agree on what they consider "clean" or basic living standards. Some people are ok with a pile of laundry on the couch.. (clean..lol).. others want everything in it's place.

Sometimes we have to look at our requests/demands and make sure we are being realistic. I mean, if making sure that the dishwasher is loaded properly is hyper important.. then you better take responsibility for it and not make the rest of the household suffer for your specific issues (if they are uber particular).

Then again, basic hygiene would dictate that dishes aren't left dirty around the house... Wet towels aren't left to mildew on the floor and dirty clothes are placed in an appropriate hamper to be washed. (who washes.. that's up for debate)

If the kids are leaving things around.. then you should be able to as an adult in the home... ask them to pick up and put in dishwasher/sink. If they start with the "not me" then you go to their dad and say.. there are dirty plates in the living room.. they are not mine.. and SD says they are not hers.. so must be yours to clean up.

When a logical person can easily see a link to a health issue.. then those would be reasonable standards.

We don't leave dirty plates around because of pests and rodents.
We don't leave mildewy towels and gross laundry to molt because of germs etc..

I would basically tell your DH.. these things are non-negotiable to you. Either he figure out a way for them not to happen (fix it before you see it.. get kids on board.. whatever) or you are going to keep after everyone until it is done.

Cover1W's picture

I agree - and that's where we're losing the communication.

I just cannot agree to dirty dishes with dried food on them around the house as OK. Water glasses, ok. Towels on floor not ok and visibly dirty hand towels in the SDs bath not ok - towels hung up for a week ok. It's really the basics with him. He just doesn't see the gross stuff as an issue - seriously. I'll catch him cutting up veggies in the middle of the raw chicken juice he didn't clean up and he doesn't see this as a problem! :jawdrop:

I'm about ready to go on full strike, and leave MY stuff laying around as well.

He just doesn't see that I'm ALREADY doing a lot and not saying anything about most of what I do.

I think the two of us can come up with some kind of agreement, the good thing is we can talk about this stuff and that saves me from total insanity.

twoviewpoints's picture

" I'm going to tell them if I hear one more word I'm taking it down and we'll have NO tree".

Don't forget the second line of this. That line that goes 'and if there is NO tree, there are NO presents'.

I have zero tolerance for dirty dishes/glasses sitting around. None. Nope. My line of thought on the dirty dishes/glasses is , if one can enter the kitchen to get the food/drink, one can reenter the kitchen and deposit what they used afterwards.

"It's not mine" Hahahahaha, silly man. What time does his maid come then?

.

Cover1W's picture

Good point.

No more complaining about the "lack of decorations" (I'm minimal in that area and I don't care - DH can go buy more if he wants to) or how "ugly our fake tree" is. Yeah. One more disparaging remark and I'm all over this. And I don't care WHAT happens at BMs house.

I had to tell DH this last year too, when they were literally counting the gifts and complaining about the quantity. I told him if they didn't stop I would, then next time I heard anything, remove ALL the gifts I bought them and give them to charity and they better be GLAD to get anything from me at all. Funny enough but their attitude improved after that.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

You lost me at he cuts up veggies in the middle of raw chicken juices. How nasty is he really? Does he wash his hands? Just gross and so bad ....

Cover1W's picture

That's the funny thing. He always washes his hands.
He's just never learned good kitchen habits/reasons (and I always, always tell him why when I catch him doing something and encourage him to cook veggie dishes - seriously).

He leaves dishes/plates around but never for more than a day...unless it's in his office. I did find old dried out chicken and moldy coffee in there and reamed him a new one.

Yes, SD13stb14 watches him carefully. I've told him many times before that she's following his lead. If he doesn't do it why should she?

SugarSpice's picture

dirty dishes left in the living room for days is ok with your dh?! he is a slob. i hope you are not picking up after your husband and his children.

this more than house keeping. its a health and hygiene issue.

time for you to disengage. leave everything where you find it. i know its revolting but its not your problem to be the maid to these slobs.

i had this issue with one adult skid. she refused to do any dishes that were not hers. mind you she was living under out roof free of charge and without help from her mother. her father paid for her car and other expenses but i paid for the utilities she made free use of.

it ended up with her using paper plates to eat off of. which she did quite frequently. we stopped buying paper plates. end of problem.

dh really had rose coloured glasses with his perfect daughter. when the dishes were washed and put away he always assumed his daughter did them. i had to set him straight on who did them.

Cover1W's picture

Yes, I am on the verge of this. In fact, I've not touched DH's pile of stuff at his end of the couch. He literally was stepping over it last night to sit down. WTF?

I have to let it go.
And he also mentioned he was tired of me throwing things (SD13stb14's shoes, umbrella, school bag, coat, etc, etc.) down the stairs. Yeah, there's a thing called a hall coat closet RIGHT WHEN YOU WALK IN THE HOUSE. And if she can't use it and her stuff sits there for more than a day (I have a 24 hour personal rule) then I get to take care of it. But maybe I won't any more.

I think how I move forward depends on how our conversation goes. We're going to sit down and discuss it this weekend when we are relaxed and have the time. And if he doesn't want to discuss it (cue "I'm too tired" or "Why now" or "Can't we do this later?" or "This is too hard") then I'm done with ALL cleaning. All of it. Including my own. Because why bother?

strugglingSM's picture

Ah yes, sounds so familiar. My DH expects us to be a single family unit, but then thinks I'm being out of line when I expect his kids to do the bear minimal to maintain our household.

Recently, my parents shipped most of my Christmas ornaments (four large boxes) out to me. After they arrived, DH said, "I'm concerned because you're very protective of your things." Translated into divorced dad speak, "I know one of my kids will break one of your ornaments and then you'll be mad." His kids are nearly 12, can't they be told not to touch the tree or not to rough house near the tree? Apparently, they can't, so any of my breakable ornaments will stay in the box. If one of my SSs did break one of my ornaments, even if they broke it because they were doing something they weren't supposed to, I'd have to apologize to them to make sure they didn't feel bad...because inevitably, it would be my fault if they felt bad for actually caring about my stuff.

DH and I are also getting a new car, we had one car, but I now have a longer commute, so need a more reliable vehicle and we need to have a second car in case DH's carpool buddy is unavailable. DH's car is a pig sty. It's full of dirt and trash and two weeks ago, the back seat was full of popcorn, because one SS - again, nearly 12 - was eating a bag of popcorn and spilled it all over the back seat and did not clean it up. I told DH that his car looked like he had toddlers instead of middle schoolers. DH is again "concerned" that I will be mad when his kids make a mess in the new car. I told him that wouldn't be a problem because there would be no eating in the new car. He told me that wouldn't happen, because it would be his car, too and I couldn't just make the rules. Why is it so difficult to ask a middle-school aged child to not spill all of his food all over the back seat and to take his trash with him when he gets out of the car? Seriously, that's a minimal effort. I wasn't allowed to eat in either of my parents' cars, ever, because my dad was a neat freak when it came to his cars. I survived into adulthood and didn't feel deprived. If his children can't stuff their face with soda and candy in the back of the car or can't eat a hamburger, which they will inevitably leave half-eaten in the back seat, they will survive, too.

Also, why is it that when it comes to his kids, he makes all the rules, but I'm just expected to be ok with those rules even when it's my things that are ruined. I can guarantee that if I broke or ruined something that belonged to SSs, I would have to not only buy a replacement, but also apologize profusely multiple times. And my SSs do not work hard or do well in school, so DH can't even tell me I'm lucky that they are great kids. I don't dislike them and we get along fine, but I would not be proud of them if they were my own kids.

Fast forward to this week...I mention to DH that I was thinking of opening a separate bank account to deposit my payroll checks, one that I would link to our joint account to pay joint bills, but one that I would also use for my own expenses. You would have thought that I served him with divorce papers, in fact, he mentioned that it made it seem like I was just preparing for divorce to have a separate bank account. Um, no, but if you insist on doing your own thing with your kids, then we're not really one unit, are we?

Cover1W's picture

Seriously. We are married to the same man.
DH's car is exactly like that.

I bought my own car, for various reasons but the clean thing is a benefit to me.
I allow the SDs to have water only. DH has borrowed my care before, alone with SDs and it now has two stains on the back seat. I gave SDs two chances with food - both with bad results so no more food. And if DH leaves anything, it gets put into HIS car to clean up.
He rarely uses mine because he's paranoid about it...rather than simply be careful and respectful he reverts to being scared about it.

YES, separate your accounts! Your reasoning is perfect and exactly what should happen. Be up-front and logical about it and firm. It saves me from nightmares about finances.
Emphasize the benefits to him...no more divvying things up and constant adjusting accounts/money discussions.

As for the car issue, if he states that he's paying into it too so why can't he make a mess then why does he totally discount YOUR argument in the opposite. If it ever needs to be sold then a clean, well-maintained car is worth more, period. It also teaches the kids how to treat things. If it were me and DH allowed a mess anyway, I would make sure that it was professionally cleaned once a month and it come out of his account (like my new house bathroom cleaner). It's amazing how someone wanting something clean, just basically clean, becomes a BAD thing. :?

SugarSpice's picture

dh was always on me to clean the house even though i had surgery and often cant get around. he scream the house is filthy.

does he remember the time when skids lived with us and the stench coming from their rooms? does he recall the dirty underwear strewn all over the bedroom floors? it smelled with a locker room or a brothel. take your pic.

Cover1W's picture

An example of the DH that's scared to make sure SD13stb14 cleans up.

So we had a brief talk last night about how he envisions a discussion of household tasks that either he or one of the SDs needs to take care of. Photo documentation. He's a process guy and if it's verbal it's in one ear out the other (ADD doesn't help with this). So he wants some kind of a tracking system for himself with visuals of the problem. I laughed, but it's ok, I'll do it.

I told him I had a photo ready.
Cue: DH surprised look. (You know, b/c nothing could be wrong!)
Cover: You said to take photos of what I though needed taking care of.
DH: Or it could be photos of what looks good. Or a video of the house.
Cover: That's too complicated and too broad. We need to identify exactly what the problem areas are.
DH: OK. Um, send the photo to me.
Cover: OK, how? Text/email?
...time passes and he figures out what he wants, I send it. Then he goes through convolutions of using various devices to do what he wants...and has a final photo.
Cover: Um, are you going to make sure I know how to do this if you want me to add photos?
DH: Yes, I will.
...DH fiddles with photo...
Photo: of SD13s bedside table with 5 glasses (which is why we are always running out of glasses in the cupboard), a dirty bowl and a dirty bowl on her bed (which she slept with).
...DH 'marks' the 'problem items' with red "x's" then starts to add a header...
DH: We'll call this "Large Bedroom..."
Cover: Why? It's SD13's Bedroom, not "Large Bedroom."
DH: Well, (pointing to photo of SD13s bedside table) we don't know that...
Cover: What? You don't think this is SD13s things? Or that the photo is of her room right now? Seriously?
DH: *SIGH* OK, fine.
...changes title to "SD13's Bedroom Table"

This is what his mind does - confronted with clear evidence, taken 30 min earlier, he STILL tries to deny it's SD13's! Mindblowing! Now, we'll see what happens when I add the rest of the photos.