When to offer advice
So my 17 yr old SD lives with me and her mother. Their relationship is in tatters. They are constantly arguing over boys, dishes, chores, homework. Basically everything the mother tells the daughter to do the daughter argues about it. When the daughter gets her way she is totally fine. But as soon as her mom says no it is world war 3 and she argues until she gets her way. Lately it has been even worse, to the point where her mother cannot sleep or is in a constant state of crabbiness because of the stress. Now I understand that she has cultivated that type of relationship with her daughter by letting that behavior go on while she was growing up. But now that she is almost graduated the mother has finally started to put her foot down in the hopes that the daughter will show some type of ownership of behavior and actions.
The SD visits her father every other weekend and they have a good relationship. The mother just asked me some advice. I dont know how to respond to be honest. She asked me how to tell her daughter that she is going live with her dad and visit us every other week because she just cant handle her anymore. She already asked her daughters dad and he is ok with this.
Please help.
Have you ever had a 17 yr old
Have you ever had a 17 yr old daughter? I have and I can tell you I've felt the same way as this mother. Girls will rebel and butt heads with the dominant female in their lives. A teenage daughter will think you're ruining her life because you told her NO about a boy, staying out late, or god forbid you dole out any punishment like taking away her phone. It has nothing to do with "failing to parent," this mother is parenting and that's the issue for the girl. This has everything to do with raging hormones, wanting to grow up too fast, and boys that are luring them out the window.
Sending her to her father may be the best thing for her.
Parenting a child and
Parenting a child and parenting a teen are completely different with several different factors. Boys, curfews and cell phones weren't an issue with my DD at 10yrs old but they are were at 17. How is OP's wife "Dumping" sd17 on her Dad? Why shouldn't daddy get the joy of parenting his darling girl too? She'll only be this lovely age once.
Parenting is parenting - it
Parenting is parenting - it has to begin when you have a child - not when the child becomes a teen. You set expectations, develop consequences, etc. By not doing so, Mom HAS failed Parenting 101. Teens will push boundaries, they will argue w/parents. It's how it goes. But parents should not be unduly surprised that the pushback is harder if boundaries have never been set.
Mom is lucky that Dad is willing to step up. And if she has younger children - she should learn from this.
He isnt married. Obviously I
He isnt married. Obviously I cant approach it like that without devastating our relationship. Any advice on how I should approach this?
yeah I think that is the best
yeah I think that is the best course.
This exact situation happened
This exact situation happened to my DH & I. DH's daughter was 16 almost 17 and her and BM were constantly fighting, DH's daughter absolutely couldn't stand BM's SO either, and finally BM packed her up, called DH and told him to come get OSD because she was done....DH & I had just moved in about a week prior!
Year One it all went well. DH's daughter was on her best behaviour I think, wanted to prove all the issues were BM and her SO's fault, and DH was only too happy to believe the apple of his eye was all innocent and not the problem
It was Year Two that the nightmare started. At first it was all directed at DH. The attitude, the grumpiness. Then it was directed at both of us, and finally, focused mostly on me
To make a long story short, all the issues and problems BM and her SO had experienced with OSD, were now what DH & I were dealing with
Just after two years of DH's daughter moving in with us/being moved in with us, she went back to BM's without so much as a word to us. We found out only after she didn't come home.
And then years of crap from her to follow
I don't know what the solution is but what if BM didn't have the option to just send OSD to live with her Dad...then what would happen?
If the situation is not
If the situation is not acceptable to you then offer advice. In this case I would recommend that you tell your SO to use the following. "Due to your immature and confrontational attitude you are no longer going to live here. You will live with your dad and visit her biweekly. Pack your crap. Buh-bye."
My daughter and I argue a lot
My daughter and I argue a lot too and I did not have a great relationship with my mom either. I know some mom & daughters get along, but some do not. The best thing I've done lately is to take away my daughter's phone when she is not behaving. It has been a Godsend. She did something pretty bad over xmas and has lost her phone for 5 weeks, she gets it back Feb 1st if she stays on the straight & narrow. She talks to me more now, is less reclusive. It's pretty awesome.
I have also threatened that she's going to live with her dad and she doesn't want that at all. How does your SD feel about it? And tread lightly on advice with your spouse. IMO, when I do that I have to really think about it. I'm bad at giving too much advice to my husband and then he feels like I'm picking on him. I don't like his advice either; his kid is horrible and so I find his harsh advice about my daughter to be ironic in that he barely punishes his kids. Maybe a "if that's what you think is best I'll support you" response is safe
""if that's what you think is
""if that's what you think is best I'll support you" response is safe "
^^yes.