Teenage sted daughter is out of control
I'm a new stap mom to a 16 y/o girl. Her mother has very limited visitation after physical and sexual abuse, and the girl has lived with her dad and his now ex since she was 13.
She is sexually active, uses drugs, lies constantly, is extremely disrespectful to her dad and me, and is manipulative to the extent of threatening suicides, faking mental illness, and reporting us to child protective services. She has met child predators on social media and after having her phone taken away she found other ways on accessing Facebook, etc. and continues to talk with adult men.
Her dad stressed out but just says "what am I gonna do?" ... so she continues to run wild. He is also intending on buying her a car no matter how she acts. So she can call him names and tell him to fuck off without any consequences.
I'm at the point of just wanting to get her on permanent birth control so she at least can't get pregnant, and letting her do whatever she wants. She keeps telling me to stop parenting her, so that's what I'm doing. I have no idea what else to do.
Any suggestions?
When he says “What am I going
When he says “What am I going to do?” Start with don’t buy her a car! Do you really want her to be able to drive herself to meetings with guys and have a place to drink, smoke and sleep with them!?
Next time she calls CPS, let them keep her! Tell them about her behaviour and that dad simply isn’t able to deal with her.
Maybe it is time to look at
Maybe it is time to look at in-patient counseling for her or even some kind of boarding school for teens with behavior issues.
First off, getting her on
First off, getting her on birth control is all well and good, but enforcing her to take it, to not removing it, or whatever is another issue, unless it’s at least a semi permanent form like Nexplanon.
Secondly, she sounds extremely troubled, engaging in such destructive and dangerous behavior. She truly needs extensive help.
Thirdly, I’d probably remove myself from this clustercuss. It’s not going to magically get better once she turns 18.
Your SD needs more help than
Your SD needs more help than you can provide at home. If she has a history of abuse, and if she is using drugs, she needs to be in the care of professionals, and your DH needs their guidance on how to help her.
I agree with the birth control, and I agree with not buying her a car, but her issues are way deeper than that. She is deeply troubled and needs some serious help to get her life on track. If she doesn't, her addiction will only get worse and she will end up in jail or worse.
Contact an attorney to see
Contact an attorney to see what you need to do to declare her a ward of the state. Usually something like a "child in need of supervision" petition. Chins for short.
All of the above. Password
All of the above. Password protect the internet, take her phone away. Plus if she wrecks that car, SO will be liable for any injuries she causes.
Done all of the above. She
Done all of the above. She got a burner phone and sneaks out when no one is home, and even at night. He has taken all privileges from her and explained how she gets them back ... instead she sneaks and lies instead of coming about anything honestly. I have very low expectations and little hope for her adult life
How did she pay for the
How did she pay for the burner? Toss her room on a regular basis, and take all contraband away. All she needs is a mattress, two outfits, a blanket, and food. Everything else is optional, including her bedroom door, and electricity to her room.
There is a show on Netflix about a juvie facility full of girls who behave just like this. She may be beyond your pay grade.
All of the above
Does you town have a 'mentor' program? She needs to have good strong female adult role models! You are probably too close--she won't respect you, but you can try to make sure there are good females in her life. Remember, kids need love the most when they are at their most 'unloveable'.
I've looked and we have
I've looked and we have nothing for mentoring. Teenage after school programs, or even clubs she can join that are within hours we can make it work. It seems like once they're teenagers no one wants to help anymore ...
Time for forced emancipation
Time for forced emancipation and let her see what the real world looks like when her key to the house won't work. Shut off her electronics, change the locks, and wish her bon voyage.
When she comes crawling back with some humility then and only then consider letting her return to the nest....with very strict stipulations.
She lost every privilege
She lost every privilege already and found ways to sneak a phone and sneak out at night. Emancipation would just lead her into pregnancy and drugs. She has friends who are in jail, whom she idolizes. Her dad found a diary entry in which she stated that if she likes weed so much then how much more would she like harder drugs, how much better would they make her feel?
I don't know if I have completely given up or I'm just extremely frustrated at this point
Some people are beyond help.
Some people are beyond help. Those who can't listen to others and learn from their own experiences and the experiences of others have to feel. Let her feel. She may, or may not, figure it out. Either way... her choices will determine her outcome.
Forcing emancipation gets her out of your home, insulates everyone else from her poor choices, and lets her live as she chooses rather than claiming victim status.
Good luck.
If you really want to address
If you really want to address this kid, she can never be alone. Period.
The FAMILY computer should be in communal area so you always know what sites she's on. The internet should be shut off when you can't watch her and she shouldn't have the key to turn it back on.
She should have no allowance, no access to money to buy drugs and burner phones.
And she sure as sh*t shouldn't have a car. If he insists on the car, tell him to emancipate her because you don't want to be part of what's happening to her. If he pays the insurance and the car is in his name, you are liable for her killing someone when she drinking and driving. This must be non-negotiable on your part -- you cannot risk your financial well being. Make this a hill to die on because it is.
I'd think about boarding school if you can afford it. Get her away from the element of people she's hanging with now. Call their parents (if they are school age), tell them what she is up to, and that she is NOT to be around their kids, supervised or otherwise, because your finger is on 911 and you don't want their kids caught up with police when you find SD with drugs or grown men. They won't want the trouble for their own kids, she will be embarrassed and will probably be a pariah to those kids. Do it.
Absolutely get her on birth control so you don't have another generation in this mess.
Read her emails, texts, everything -- and when some guy sniffs around, YOU email him and tell him she's underage and her communications are monitored by her lawyer dad (doesn't matter if it's not true). Go through her pockets, her purse, her drawers and let her know you're doing it. She must have the illusion that you are everywhere and she can't get around you. She deserves no privacy because she doesn't know how to act.
Let the school know she's chatting with grown men, using drugs, etc., and you need any help they can give you to keep her straight. They might step up. But keeping it secret only helps her get away with it. Let SD know everyone knows what she's up to and they'll be watching. She may be embarrassed -- shame is good in a crisis like this.
You have more power than you realize, but it takes a lot of work. Shine the light on what she's doing to anyone who will listen. Be aggressive with other parents whose kids are part of this, men she's communicating with -- it will terrify them and they will have nothing to do with her.
This is how I was raised and, ha, ha...I was a normal, good kid and my mother still did this stuff!
Good luck. Your post makes me so glad I didn't have kids.
Learning the hard way.....
Unfortunately, some children have to learn the hard way. The hard way is not what we would want for them of course, but you can't make someone be or want what you want for them; they have to want it for themselves.
My SD's behavior was very simillar to your SD, her dad was enabling her bad behavior and she had no respect for him. She walked all over him, I started feeling like I had to protect BF from SD, but early on decided I was not going to be that person unless it directly effected me in some way.
What I have learned from my experience is that you cannot fix a broken child. That is something that the child has to want and often only comes with maturity, usually after a lot of lessons learned the hard way.
My SD had to learn the hard way, she's living with DHs sister now, but with none of the luxuries in life she once had. This is the path she chose for herself being an out of control teen. I feel bad for her, but some people have to learn the hard way.
Always be there for your SD, but I believe she will have to learn the hard way.
She will resent you for interfering with the life she is choosing for herself, but someday she will look back on her life and realize you were only trying to love her and you did have her best intrest at heart. Believe it or not there are children who want nothing in life and would rather struggle than take the advise of a loving parent.
Your heart is in the right place and you sound like a wonderful Step, but you cannot fix someone elses broken child.
Your husband may say "what am I going to do", but you are the woman of the house. At 16 it sounds like SD is running your house. Set boundries and share your boundries with your husband, you need his support to assure SD is not controlling your home. It's a horrible predicament you're in, but you can only do the best you can.
I wish you the best.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Over the past couple of months things have changed. She is facing more consequences for her actions. She has either become sneakier or more well behaved, I let you take a wild guess which one I'm suspecting. But when he does catch her acting in unacceptable ways, he does initiate loss of privileges. So there's that.
After she returned from her Mom's, who got more rights from the court, she was very verbal about me not being her mom and to stop parenting her. Her wish was my command and she is now being treated like a roommate, I dont help her with anything and only do the most basic necessities for her, such as cooking, which is for the three of us. She asks anything such as me picking up snacks from the store, she has to ask her Dad. She doesnt like it, but hey, she wants it that way. The phrase 'Not my problem' has been uttered by me many many times since then, and I'm sure I'll say it millions more.
I was very adamant that she go on birth control after she went off the pill in May, and between the doctor's office dragging their feet and his insane work schedule they finally made it in about a month and a half ago. She was told that the implant can be placed a certain time after her period, which she said started 2 days after the appointment, but she failed to tell him and I've been doing some math, and I'm the one buying her tampons, which leads me to the conclusion that there is a possibility that she may already be pregnant. Yup. I know if that is the case she will not get any help from me at all. I don't do babies, never have, never will.
Her continued fascination, and association, with people in jail and drugs is worrisome but at this point I just don't care, as I have taken all the steps to not be legally responsible for her in any way, shape, or form. I continue to pray for her 18th birthday to come as she has said many many times that she will move out that day. Shit, I'll bake her a goodbye cake! Her father and I are moving 3 states away as soon as she's out of the house (or when she graduates high school), so we won't have to deal with her adult escapades at that time. By everything I've seen she will end up on drugs and in jail, and we want to have some distance between us and that train wreck.
As you said, she may look back one day and realize that I came in with truly just wanting tru best for her, but I doubt it from what I've seen so far.
Agree
It very hard to fix a Broken child. BF must have money, she gets money from sex. For booze and drugs. It’s a losing battle
A write off is a write off.
A write off is a write off. Write her off. And if she wants to live parenting free... she can live elsewhere. The problem with mini-adults is that they have a mouth and no brains. Let her mouth set the date for rekeying the locks which IMHO is long past over due.
Read my other forum/blog posts
To save your sanity you have 2 choices. Leave or completely disengage from her.
I've pretty much completely
I've pretty much completely disengaged. His and my relationship is amazing and she's put herself on the outside looking in, instead of being part of it like we tried in the beginning.