She's successfully destroying our relationship
My boyfriend and I are so strong together and have an amazing relationship... until it comes to his 16 y/o daughter. I've tried everything... being her buddy while maintaining the adult/child boundaries, disengaging, something in the middle. She basically runs the house, doesn't help unless she has to in order to be able to hang out with friends, she smokes pot, she has no consequences for her actions incl. wrecking his less than 6 month old truck, lying, etc. She doesn't even have a bedtime and sits in the living room all night watching YouTube videos at full volume while we are trying to sleep. I can't even have people over because the living room and kitchen are in a constant state of destruction, dishes, trash, socks, etc everywhere, because she doesn't have to clean after herself.
Yesterday I lost my cool (again) and told him that they will either have to help me or they can cook their own meals, do the shopping, do his own laundry, do all the cleaning, etc. Even though I caught her and her friend smoking pot and of course she didn't clean the kitchen after herself and her friend, she was allowed to spend the night at her friend's house (where they do more drugs). I'm just done with being the maid. His answer ... no one is forcing you to stay here. Just wow. She wants to move out as soon as she's 18 or graduates HS, but I don't think I can do this another 1.5-2 years. It's humiliating and infuriating, not to mention exhausting. I work 60 hours/week, go to school for my bachelors, and am expected to do ALL the cleaning, cooking, shopping? I thought I could hold out until she leaves but after that response I'm certain that this will end in disaster should I choose to stick around.
A man would rather lose the woman he calls the love of his life than stand up to his own daughter and make her do basic chores. All I'm asking is for her to watch YouTube in her room on her phone after 9pm (I get up at 5am for 12 hour shifts). Pick up after yourself, utilize the dishwasher. Basic things. He can't get her to do it ... because she knows she doesn't have to.
I got the message. No one cares that I'm here unless I keep my mouth shut and work as a maid. For now I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, but I think my own place is in my very near future. I'm honestly heart broken.
The girl is not the one
The girl is not the one destroying your relationship.
She's not the problem here,
She's not the problem here, your husband is. He allows her to behave this way.
So I take it that when you
So I take it that when you thought the girl may be pregnant the end of August, it was a false alarm?
Has the teen ever had counseling/therapy for all the physically and sexual abuse she received while living with her mother?
Anyway..... yes, you may find having your own apartment to be good for you. If your relationship is so strong and amazing as you say it is, then why the rush to be living together. He'll still be your boyfriend and you'll be free of the daily grind with the teen and her wild ways. He's not going to step up and make her do anything. He has no control over what she does, doesn't do.
All you're doing now is being the maid with sexual benefits. You can get those benefits without living together 24/7.
No, thank gawd she wasn't
No, thank gawd she wasn't pregnant and has gotten the birth control implant since then.
She's been through extensive counseling and therapy, and it has helped her with issues with her Mom.
When I move out it'll be over. After that comment I woke up from the delusion that our relationship is amazing.
It sounds like you are
It sounds like you are already thinking about moving out. In the meantime, just stop doing those things. You can tell your SO that you have had enough and are not a maid and that you will be stopping, but that from now on they can help out and you will just not be doing it anymore. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing that isn't already happening really. And he's told you that he isn't making you stay there (although guys like to say these things until the thought of you leaving actually becomes real. Can you go stay somewhere else for a week or so in the meantime? Perhaps give him a taste of how things would be without you. I would be livid about this.
Oh, believe me, I'm done
Oh, believe me, I'm done lifting a finger around here. I can't stay anywhere else because of my animals which I am the sole caretaker of. I'm not into threats or temporary relocation, either I'm here or I'm not. When I told him last night that I'll be here for another month he just said ok, I'm looking for a place as we speak. His comment from last night has destroyed what was left of the relationship and I'm on my way out for good.
You're right, SHE is not the
You're right, SHE is not the only one destroying the relationship, but she is fully aware that the things she is doing are adding strain. I didn't mention the complete disrespect, the entitlement, the destructive lies she spreads about me, etc. He does nothing to stop her, so yes, he is destroying it just as much.
So your BF basically said
So your BF basically said that unless you choose to be their unpaid maid and cook you need to leave. You know what you have to do. Dump the garbage out of your life and don't look back.
I'm glad to hear you have
I'm glad to hear you have enough self respect to not continue as the unpaid maid/cook. Your boyfriend could not have been clearer on where you stand. It seems apparent that HE is the problem, and he has created a problem daughter, as well. You are well rid of him and his spawn; I hope you find a nice apartment soon and improve the long-term quality of your life.
Thank you. I will be fine,
Thank you. I will be fine, actually looking at moving out of state.
He has definitely created a problem child, and he doesn't want to see it. I honestly feel sorry for her when she becomes an adult, as she has no tools to become a productive member of society. Things between us are great as long as she is not in the equation. When she was gone all summer our relationship was the best I've ever had. He doesn't see the underhanded crap she's doing to me, it's like he's wearing blinders.
It's painfully clear to what needs to be done and I'm working on it.
Glad you are not married to
Glad you are not married to him and in the process of moving/relocating to another state. Please know you are making the best decision in leaving this toxic dynamic between your boyfriend and his daughter. It will never get better because your BF sees nothing wrong and he has no backbone to regulate the situation.
Happy you saw the light and wishing you much happiness on your new journey!
Oh yes, there was no way I
Oh yes, there was no way I was going to marry him while she was living here to begin with, I honestly wanted to see how our relationship evolves after. But he has made it very clear where he stands, and I'm going to have to move on.
If my BF said that to me,
If my BF said that to me, hell yes, I'd be out of there!
Do what you must for your critters and yourself. I have a feeling you'll feel like a new woman without that combined 300 lbs. of ugly weighing you down. School will be easier, work will be easier and you'll feel empowered.
Any dog is a thousand times better than a half-assed boyfriend! Good luck!
Yeah, it was the last straw.
Yeah, it was the last straw. Ironically we have the best relationship I've ever had when she's not around ... he is a completely different person when she is not here, that's why I contemplated staying until after she moves out. But that ... it shows me that there is no respect or compassion.
I can do this for a little while longer while I make a solid plan. The problem is that it is HIS house so if I tell him I'm moving it needs to happen quick or it will be living hell here. Until then I just won't say anything the least bit critical and keep the peace.
Good thing half my stuff is still stored in boxes, so I can tell him I'm organizing things while packing the stuff I don't use.
That kid will ALWAYS be part
That kid will ALWAYS be part of his life, so you can't separate "him without her" from "him with her."
Who he is when someone comes between you -- be it an old girlfriend, his kid, or a buddy -- can't be siphoned out of the rest of his character.
So your whole package is broken! Time to dig out your receipt, return that crap to the store and start shopping again!
Honestly, you'll be so free from the exhaustion of "making it work" when you're out of there, I kind of envy you!
It's ironic
The funny thing is, when she's gone, he is a completely different person, as if he just sheds stress and everything that comes with it. When she was gone for the summer, our relationship was phenomenal. The day she got back, he was anxious, stressed, angry. While she was gone, he would i.e. get up from dinner and grab the plates to wash them. When she's here all he wants to do is pursue his hobbies outside of the house (not away from home, just work outside or in the wood shop). Last night she decided to spend the night with a friend and as soon as her friend picked her up he had a completely different vibe. That's why I was holding on until she moved out.
I know she will always be his daughter, and there will always be issued that I don't agree with, which is fine, that's just how being with someone who had kids is. I don't have a problem with this.
It has become very clear that the problem is the physical proximity of hers and the stress she causes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning his behavior or making excuses for it. I just wanted to share how much impact she has on him. There are other things going on with him that I really don't want to get into, but to be honest, seeing him change within a matter of seconds last night really lit a light bulb in my head ...
I'm glad you are getting out,
I'm glad you are getting out, but it sucks that he is letting an otherwise good relationship go because of his stubbornness. Sorry you are going through this. Just keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel, and no more Skid to deal with!
Post-mortem
A couple thoughts on what happens next, assuming you do move out (which, btw, takes bravery, especially given your positive feelings about the relationship when SD isn't around).
You've been existing for a substantial amount of time in a toxic environment. SD's perpetual rejections, BF's undervaluing you, all of the passive-aggressive power plays, all on top of the inherent stresses of balancing work and education... That stuff takes *time* to un-normalize. I hope you take a while to really revel in your new freedom. Make spontaneous social plans, truly treat yourself to the peace and quietude of independence, reach toward activities and people that bring you joy. Do that for a while, because you're better off for future relationships if you're wholly, completely "you."
Also, look into seeing a therapist or similar if you haven't already. It's good for anyone in a life transition, particularly people who have been told to shut up for far too long. Rooting for you!!
You can do so much better
You can do so much better than a failing parent and his out of control teenaged daughter. Please do not marry this man and do not waste any more of your life with this dysfunction. Make plans to get out and when you are ready find someone worthy of you who appreciates all that you are.
I divorced my husband because of his disgusting failings over both his children. However his daughter was the absolute worst! Your SD sounds EXACTLY like mine was at 16. Lets just say that at 22, she has no further education, she is unemployed, living with Daddy because she has no where to go with her baby, junkie boyfriend and poor neglected dog. This girl has a DUI and is under a social support programme which if she violates she goes to jail. And yes, we have had all the pot smoking, binge drinking, theft from my home wild orgies and naked drunks having sex in my garden... Don't wait to be me.
Wow. I can understand gnomes
Wow. I can understand gnomes having sex in your garden, that's their home, but SD and friends need to get their own place for their orgies. So rude!
You know...
"No one is forcing you to stay here" felt like a kick in the stomach to ME and it wasn't even said to me.
Pardon my french but wow.... fuck you, dude.
I'm sorry. *nea*