Does it make a difference that he’s younger?

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I need some help!!! My bio-son went into my SD room while she slept and apparently bumped her leg as he was leaving. The night it happened my DH and myself were made aware of it. My Bio-son admitted it. The next day my DH and his daughter are saying my bio-son touched her butt under the covers while she slept. My bio-son is 13 and my SD is 17. There has been issues since day 1 with the SD accusing my son of theft, of being dirty, of not doing chores and anything else teenage kids do. The SD is now terrified of my 13/14 year old and my husband feels like he’s a sexual predator. I’m told by professionals (therapist and sexual abuse counselors) that what he did is extremely wrong but not sexual abuse. I’m told he’s curious and just doesn’t know boundaries. His father has been non-existent in his life and my husband was just getting to the point of bonding with him. I’m angry at my SD for blowing this way out of proportion, I’m angry with my husband for not supporting me, I’m angry with my son for completely messing up my life. I am completely alone now and I’m trying to work on my marriage and make this work but my husband is calling my son a SEXUAL PREDATOR. Does the label fit the crime??

Unfortunately...he did go in

Unfortunately...he did go in her room... and he likely did not accidentally bump her. You need to definitely ensure he gets help. Your sd should feel safe in her own bed. She gets a lock on her door

AT 13???

This "curiosity" should have been over years ago. The problem with a lock on her door, is it could be a danger in a fire.

No, your SD did not make a big deal of it, and if he grabbed a girl's ass on the subway, he could be arrested. I think this is to late to fix. If I were the mom, I woudl be filing a complaint with the police.

ETA -- not certain what I would call this, but sure as heck not curiosity. What are the current living arrangements?

I don't think SD is blowing

I don't think SD is blowing this out of proportion, and I think your husband is doing the right thing by standing by and protecting his daughter. Your son was in her room at night while she was sleeping, and he touched her. He says he bumped her leg, but she says he touched her butt. Who knows what he did - apparently she was asleep for part of the time he was in there. If I was a teenage girl and I woke to find my stepbrother in my room touching me, you better believe I'd make a big deal of it. That is so far over the line. I would want the boy out of my house ASAP.

I think you need to get your son some therapy, stat. I don't know if sexual predator is the word for him or not, but he did sneak into an unrelated girl's room at night and do *something,* so you could make the case that he was preying on her as she slept.

Flip the script; (empathy) you're the parent with the daughter

& your SS goes into HER PRIVATE LIVING AREA WHILE SHE IS SLEEPING. She comes to you and tells you he touched her rear. SS tells his parent that he only bumped her leg. Now, what would you do if you were the parent of the daughter and you have a SS who not only went into her room, but also took the liberty to touch her, apparently wherever he chose to.How was that even possible? What on earth was he doing in HER ROOM? That is HER PRIVATE SPACE. How did he "bump her leg?" This doesn't pass the "sniff test" with me.

If the tables were turned, and you had the child who was on the receiving end of this, would you say he/she was "...blowing this way out of proportion"? I seriously doubt it.

Age, and whether he is younger or not is irrelevant. The point is privacy was invaded by him coming into her room and touching her body. That is the point, not his age. There's no right way to do the wrong thing, and his age does not give him a free pass to do whatever he chooses to another being.

13/14 year old (and even younger and older ones) boys are highly hormonal & curious. I'm sure 17 year old SD has "curves" as she is older than he is. To be clear, looking and admiring from afar are within normal parameters. Acting on urges and intruding on her privacy, and TOUCHING HER without her consent IS NOT NORMAL, OR OK.

I really feel you are in denial about what has happened here. Only he knows what actually happened, because SD was asleep at least part of the time.

This is in no way acceptable. He is your son and you must get him the help he needs. I'm not exactly sure what that will involve, but you should start with your clergy if you attend church. If not, you need to seek out and adolescent counselor, talk to your son and talk to his father.

SD needs to be reassured as well. Home is supposed to be your "safe place" and she feels violated. What if she were coming out of her shower? Sleeping without pajamas? There are a number of variables that could've been in place. Thankfully, this appears to be the extent of it, which in no way DISMISSES the ENORMITY of it.

SD also needs some kind of alert or alarm on her door when it opens, and she needs to know she can come to wherever there is an adult and tell them what happened, without being chastized. SD also needs to visit with a counselor or therapist and her feelings and thoughts need validation, not dismissal.

He is your son to deal with. I do not blame your DH for being upset. I would be absolutely LIVID, and this would be my "hill to die on." I would get my daugher out of that situation, without explanation or compromise.

I agree, if you do not start

I agree, if you do not start taking step to deal with your son, you may end up divorce

Age has nothing to do with this

Age has nothing to do with this. Your 13 year old son went into a female's room at night and physically touched her. How could he innocently have bumped her leg while she was in bed? What was he doing there?

Did these "experts" say that bumping her leg wasn't sexual abuse or that touching her bottom under the cover wasn't abuse? Because there is no legitimate "expert" who would say that touching the bottom of a girl isn't sexual abuse.

Was it another "expert" that told you, "...he’s curious and just doesn’t know boundaries." Any 13 year old boy should know not to enter the room of a girl at night without her permission and should know not to touch a girl without her permission. I can't see how not having a father would have any bearing on this. Haven't you taught your son not to touch girls without their permission?

You need to get your kid into therapy with a therapist who recognizes that it is wrong for a 13 year old to touch a girl without permission.

I'm not saying that your son

I'm not saying that your son is a hardened, criminal sexual predator... but the behavior he exhibited was predatory and of a sexual nature.

I do think you need to stop trying to give your son as much "benefit of the doubt" as you have.

He is 13.. I think at maybe 5 years old we learn to not put our hands on other people without their consent.. in ANY way. We have learned to respect people's private spaces and their bodies.

Your son entered another person's room in the middle of the night.. intentionally.. with the intent to.. who knows.. really.. but it's pretty obvious just by being there that it wasn't some innocent mistake.

Now, I don't know your son. Maybe he is mentally challenged? Is he developmentally delayed to the age of a 5 year old? There is ZERO way a 13 year old should think it's ok to enter the room of a stepsibling of the opposite sex (or same i guess)and put their hands (or any other body part) on that person. None.. your son may be crying crocodile tears to therapists etc.. but that kid KNEW.

This is exactly the kind of situation that people call for a BANNING of that skid from the home. Your DH actually could tell you that your son is no longer allowed in the home. His primary obligation is to protect his child. You may be asked to do your visitation elsewhere.

If you don't want that nuclear option to happen, you need to make a big adjustment here and be just as horrified about this as everyone else in the home is. Your son needs intensive counseling. You need to vigilantly be ensuring that nothing like this happens again... and you need to stop trying to minimalize what that girl experienced.

If I were your SD's BM, I

If I were your SD's BM, I would be at the police within the hour of hearing about this. I would probably try to get a restraining order or something on your son. This is SERIOUS. This isn't a teen girl blowing something out of proportions. If I were BM and I found out that this happen and my exH/BF had my daughter their one more night after this happen; I would be in court for an emergency custody hearing. Your DH has a duty of care to his DD, and you should find alternative living arrangements for your son when SD is in the home. If that is not possible your DH should pause his visits with SD in the home and see her outside the home. SD should not have to be in the same space as your son!

Your DH has bigger fish to fry than your hurt feelings. His daughter was ASSAULTED in her SLEEP in his home. You need to get over your hurt feelings too and focous on your SD and maybe get the ball rolling on reporting your son to the police.

To think as a woman, you are taking up for your son is disheartening. You are teaching your son that such behaviour is acceptable. Your DH is teaching his daughter that he doesn't have her back if he allows your son to be present in your home when SD is there. SD should be treated as a victim. Your son is not a victim. You also need a new therapist. The one you went to isn't going to help and is talking nonsense. Good luck to you. But if I were BM, you probably wouldn't be able to sleep calmly for all the fury I'd unleash on your son.

Unless your son has

Unless your son has sleepwalking episodes, this extremely flimsy and ridiculous excuse he's giving is unaccpetable. He should not have been in SD's room PERIOD. SD is definitely the victim here and her father needs to keep her safe.

Please get your son into counseling ASAP.

You're doing exactly what my

You're doing exactly what my DH did when SD-then-12 sexually abused my GD-then-5. The offender lied and the offender's parent minimized.

It changed our marriage forever. In fact, DH is moving out at the end of this week. I never want to see the offender again.

I do not love DH the way I used to. I don't know if our marriage will survive.

It is absolutely ASSAULT when anyone who knows better puts their hands on someone else against their will. In your DH's shoes, I would call the police.

This is not curiosity, it is deviant behavior, absolutely.

It was predatory. There is absolutely no good reason why your boy was in her room.

Put a stop to this ASAP.

'my husband is calling my son

'my husband is calling my son a SEXUAL PREDATOR. Does the label fit the crime?? '

Er...yes

SGS was convicted @ 11 yrs old

SGS-13 now is due to be released from juvenile detention around Christmas. He is a convicted sexual predator. After 6 months in the State Hospital, he was discharged due to lack of improvement & compliance --- into juvie detention. (He ran away with a 12 yr old girl, etc)

Do not play games with yourself & your son. Remove him from ANY contact with SD & get intensive help for both of you.

ETA: SGS showed inappropriate behavior years earlier & it was always excused & dismissed. Now, there are a number of family members & friends who are left picking up the pieces of their children's lives.

My DW's BFF's son is

My DW's BFF's son is progressing through the same process as your SGS-13. He failed to progress through the initial program he was in and was transferred to a mid level facility. His next stop is full fledged juvenile detention. My DW's BFF and his husband are about to write off their eldest son. He can never return to their home until their youngest reaches adulthood and it is unlikely that they will allow him back even then.

Some kids are write offs and need to be written off.

Some are going through fairly usual puberty experiences and need parental guidance to frame appropriate behaviors related to their sexual development.

IMHO of course.

Poor judgement? Yes. Sexual

Poor judgement? Yes. Sexual preditor? No. Kids are curious. When I was 8-9ish my then BFF and I would spy on his sister 15/16yo sister and her friends. Neither of us turned out to be pervs or sexual preditors.

Come down on your DS with significant consequences. Sit your DH down and give him clarity on what support he will give you on this and how you need his help in addressing this behavior and parenting DS through this experience. If DH does not have the maturity or band width to help..... you have a decision to make.

I would suggest that you consider moving you and your DS to an apartment for 6-12 mos and keep him under the hairy parental eyeball and in therapy. If DH fades away. So be it.

Good luck.

Not the same at all

You say you were 8-9, OPs son is 13-14.

He went in her return when she was asleep and touched her. Did you do that?

And the history here, she has apparently not imposed any consequences for the kid's behaivor, includeing stealing, not doing chores, etc. which she considers normal tean behavior. Of course things have escalated, and IMHO, will likely escalate furrther. I would not be surprised to find that the son trying to take pictures of naked stepsister.

I doubt OP is going to come back, but I asked her what the current living arragnments are, I suspect either she or her DH has moved out. This is not her DH's problem to solve. His problem is to protect his DD. OP says she is mad at everyone but herself, when she has not stepped up to parenting role.

Umm, this kid did not just

Umm, this kid did not just look. He went into the girl's bedroom while she was ASLEEP. He then touched her butt under the covers. On top of that he lied about it ( he said he touched her leg).

The DH has a duty of care to his daughter. His daughter was violated in his home. I am sorry, he has to put his daughter well being first in this circumstance especially if the OP attitude is that this isn't a big deal. As with the son, it is understandable if the H in this case doesn't want to help or support him. He has a lot on his plate right now with what just happened to his daughter. The OP is not a victim here and neither his her son. If anything the SD is the victim and at least one of the adult's in her life (the OP) is continuously victimising her by belittling what was done to her.

I do agree that she needs to find alternative living arrangement for her son and maybe fill out a police report on the incident. Get child services involved as well to ensure that safe guards are put in place to keep SD safe.

I dont think that getting police involved

is a good idea --although OP's DH does have the right to do so. In addition to the boy needing therapy, I think OP needs a parenting class. She needs to stop making excuses for her son and learn how to set limit and impose consequences. In the unlikely event that all four are living together, I would demand that the son leave his phone with me, and only use it in front or me. No spying on his stepsister.

The four of them living

The four of them living together should not be an option, especially if SD is terrified of him. I do think at least child services should get involved if not the police. There needs to be a reacord if such behavior begins to escalate.

There is a fine line between

There is a fine line between "normal" pubescent kid behavior and pervy inappropriate sexual assault. Peeping is not right. But neither is it sexual physical abuse.

I agree that this kid needs a firm hand, consequences, and very clear and strict oversight. I do not think that he has necessarily perpetrated sexual preditor behaviors that should ruin his life. Close, and he should be on zero tolerance status with the next step being prosecuted and labeled a sexual preditor for life. But not quite yet.

IMHO of course.

Your DH is right to protect his daughter. Your son violated her privacy and her person and destroyed her feeling safe. DH needs to help her recover from that. You need to get your kid to a therapist.