Step daughters that don't give a damn.
I have a daughter who is 18, graduated Summa Cum Laude, speaks 5 languages, Varsity cross country, ski patrol, piano player, singer, actress, 2 international exchanges, internship at the UN, etc., etc., etc. She's returning from India next week and will be a ski patrol at one of the Vail resorts or Aspen this winter and off to an Ivy League next fall. I raised her the way I was raised...with excellent manners, fantastic etiquette, to help without being asked, to take responsibility for her own actions, and to have great hygiene. Now don't get me wrong, she's human and a teenager who believes she knows pretty much everything... BUT....
I have been in my stepdaughters' lives for 6.5 years and this month have been married to their dad for 5. We have a fantastic marriage and there is no way in hell I will let these children affect my marriage any more than they have to. The children are now 16 (junior in high school) and 12 (7th grade). BK (before me) my husband worked SO much so their mother could stay at home and take care of them. He trusted that the mother was taking care of their needs. NOT. She is a 24/7/365 drunk and druggie (any and all drugs and she will do anything to get what she wants). She is a narcissistic sociopath. The girls HAD NEVER been to the dentist, did not have annual physicals and were (and still are because they choose awful hygiene) riddled with lice constantly. AND she had insurance with NO CO-PAYS!
I tried for 6 years to give them the upbringing every child deserves but I finally woke up after 6 years of insane frustration and realized that it's not that I am not teaching them correctly...It's that they don't care! They have actively chosen to be disrespectful, dirty (and I'm talking nasty...bras that are dark grey from being worn over and over and not washed, bloody underwear, bloody tampons on top of garbage, repeated food hidden in their rooms, no teeth brushing, stinky and with no regard to ANYONE else or themselves). This past Spring is when I finally stopped giving a shit. AND, when my daughter graduated from high school this past June, I, all of a sudden, had an incredibly LOW tolerance for bullshit. My daughter was "raised" (although parenting never ends...). So I told their father that I'm done abd I don't care anymore. They have chosen their paths and good luck to them. I refuse to talk to the mother, will not (and have not been) attending their events because I am not going to reward their behaviour, not driving them anywhere (same reason), not buying them anything (same reason) and that they are not allowed to live here when he is out of town. They have a mother and I'm not her. She can damn well step up or not...doesn't matter to me.
They are doing their level best to follow in their mother's footsteps. Ok. Knock yourself out. My husband supports me and has told them repeatedly that "if you're going to be dumb, you better be tough". When they are here I disappear upstairs or to a friend's house. Last week I tried to have some interaction and it was such a nuclear clusterfuck I literally grabbed my dinner and said "I'm done..I'm out.." and went upstairs.
I was very fortunate to have been raised in a very wealthy family. I attended top-end summer camps, was a debutante, house in Vail, grew up in the nation's best country clubs with people whose names most people would know immediately. However, I was NOT ever given a free pass. I had the best parents and I learned to appreciate what I had. I also worked my butt off so I could get into one of the nation's top colleges, graduated with honors and got my MBA. I was not given a trust. I made my own career and have been very successful. I tried to teach these kids so much. Didn't matter...they are quite happy with being trailer trash. And please do not get me wrong...I have friends who live in trailers and they are NOT trash. But then there is the stereotype and they fit it like a glove.
I HATE them. I absolutely HATE their lazy, dirty, self-entitled butts. I cringe when it gets close to their time here. I know I should be the adult and love them. I tried. For 6 years I tried. And I don't love them. I sincerely, actively hate them.
Am I alone???? For godsakes someone out there tell me I am not alone....
You're right. He's gotten a
You're right. He's gotten a lot better but he doesn't want to discipline them, make them want for things, or have chores because a) he hates the thought of potential conflict (arguing, tears) so much he will avoid it at all costs; and b) he feels guilty that their mother is such a POS he wants to be Disneyland Dad when he's with them. We have discussed this. I have no idea how to try to get him to man up on this....Thanks for the comment.
One of my best friends keeps
One of my best friends keeps telling me that and I love it. But since she's not a SM I have always taken it with a grain of salt. Nice to hear from a SP. Thanks..
In the beginning no, the
In the beginning no, the three of them were inseparable. Once I was here full time (my BD went to high school out of state)they did express that sentiment. We asked why and they told us. We asked what they thought we could do to help them not feel that way and what my BD could do. Then, we spoke to my BD and she said she was jealous of them. The older SD is now 6' 1' and has always been a light blonde, willowy beauty. When she was 14 some of her photos were picked up by Italian Vogue. As a sophomore she got so much college Division 1A Volleyball attention she fell in love with one of the schools and has a full ride, including spending money (how they get away with that I have no clue)scholarship. The younger SD has been on swim team and in club volleyball....but is a lot younger than the other two. So my BD, who has dark blonde hair and is 5'4" wanted to be like her SS and felt inferior and the SD wanted to be like her SS. The younger SD ended up forging a close relationship with my BD as they have similar personalities.
But the two SDs are always at each others throats...even throughout Father's Day...
So, all 3 are successful in different ways but due to the SDs upbringing it they don't seem to place a value on a lot of things. And when it means that I have to bomb for roaches due to the food and drink issue, or I have to pick up nasty female products the guest bathroom, or do their dishes cause they left for school and their mother's, I don't want dirty dishes around for another 4-5 days, or spray the furniture and wash the throw blankets because they infect them with their lice, or worse yet MY hairbrush so I am infected with lice..it is a huge problem.
I think you need to widen
I think you need to widen your perspective a bit and accept WHAT IS.
It sounds like you're married to a man who is a wonderful partner but an awful father. He could have parented around his ex's deficits instead of failing his daughters and blaming her for everything. And he could insist that his daughters adhere to certain standards of behavior on his parenting time. Nevertheless, you're right to disengage from the entire mess. As long as you're not expected to contribute financially and have a very clear understanding with your H that his baggage is not your concern, live your life and be happy.
You are fight on the money.
You are fight on the money. He abdicated all responsibility for any parenting to their mother and then tried to get me to do it all. All he wants to be is Disneyland Dad. And I agree, it takes two and he should have been and still should be involved. He has told them about the rules in our house and they don't care and he won't enforce and consequences. He'll take their priveledges and stuff away but buckle and give it right back... And I tried to do it for 6 years and I just don't know how to help myself.
Thank you. He never had to deal with my ex husband so I told him his ex wife is his problem. Financially I have put my foot down that none of our money is going to reward them for this behavior and so their mother can step up for once in her life and buy her kids underwear or the latest brand name whatever. We've been doing it for years. Her turn.
Some people are just born to
Some people are just born to be sh*ts. My DH and BM both were both college educated (decades ago when that was not so common). SS30 was parented. He has excellent manners and does know how he is supposed to act. He was sent to the best schools.
Yet he threw it all aside to end up in juvie for over 3 years. He has no education or job skills. He has a history of alcohol and drug abuse and violent rages. He's been sent to every type of substance abuse program and has had extensive psychiatric therapy - but not now as he's aged out of being forced to go.
Now that he has a baby he is talking about his son will never do wrong - he's going to keep him under control. I SO want to ask him what his parents could have done to reign him in. They tried EVERYTHING. He was just incorrigible. I sincerely hope his son does not follow in his footsteps - but karma may step in.
Like you OP I made my own way. I graduated from a top women's college (50 years ago) and got my MBA at the top business school in the world. (but my parents were poor). I started a fabulous international career at a time when most women didn't work.
SS works in restaurants - everything from busing tables, being a line cook, to being a waiter. I have contacts in several top restaurants where one can truly make a career of being a waiter or chef if one works hard enough. No way I would set him up with a job. I even told DH that I could never inflict SS on anyone I knew. He'll call in "sick" to work and then post on FB all day about how high he got. Total dumbass.
That is what I am saying.
That is what I am saying. These girls have had opportunity over opportunity to improve themselves, and do some great things...but they don't want to put forth the effort. Maybe if they were raised differently when they were younger but I just don't know.
I'm just laying out some
I'm just laying out some facts because I don't have any other Step-people to talk to...Am I proud of my daughter? Absolutely. Am I proud of my accomplishments? You betcha. Is being born into privelege anything I did? No. But this is such an extreme situation I wanted to give facts, not opinions, of what my situation is like.
And yes, at my daughter's high school the requirements are the same as college and the designations are also the same.
And I sure look down on them now but it sure wasn't that way for many years. I was very excited to have them in my life. And very sad to try and try and get kicked in the face. They are actively meeting their mother's low expectations and frankly their father's as he would rather be Disneyland Daddy than teach them life skills. Also, discipline and teaching have conflict inherent so of course he will avoid those.
And you are right. I haven't actually sat him down to have the discussion about his actions or lack of action) and I think that is very important. I'm going to have that discussion.
Just to let you all know....since my SDs have been in my life they have always been afforded the same opportunities as my BD. They have not been left out.
Hang in there lady, you are
Hang in there lady, you are doing what you need to do by disengaging in this mess. We all start out fully believing we can be one big happy family and after the honeymoon is over, reality sets in; it is anything but what you imagined. It happens to a lot of us, for a variety of reasons. The main reason I believe is some of us have husbands who are doormats to their kids, period. For whatever reason, they ruin any hope of a functional family by never being a real parent. YOU cannot change him, if he is like this; sad to say. You can only change your behavior and indeed I would do that; sounds like you are beginning to see the light. Start thinking of yourself and your daughters and tell him to deal with his...you're finished trying. He knows why.
Oh thank God you are out
Oh thank God you are out there!! This website has made me look and swallow the sad and frustrating truth that my DH is a complete doormat to his kids. And you're right I can't change him. Any advice for how to get at least the food situation solved? I am a clean person with a clean home and I am SICK of bombing for roaches!!!
Thank you so much! I am going
Thank you so much! I am going to have this discussion with him and yes I am going to hold his feet to the fire. Good lord DH hasn't even told his BDs that MY BD is returning from India on Tuesday! I am so flippin' angry about this I can't see straight! What the hell??? So basically my BD and I will come back home from the airport and SURPRISE! she will be home. That is a recipe for disaster. I asked him a couple days ago if he had told them and he said no that he was waiting to make sure she was really coming home. What??? We have been working on her return for 2 weeks and she has a confirmed, purchased e-ticket!! I told him this but to no avail. I can't WAIT for the eldest SD to fly the coop, it may be easier then...AAARRRGH!!!!
He was suopposed to talk to
He was suopposed to talk to the older Sd about last week's food in the room but he didn't and when I reminded him he still didn't. I'm simply at my limit. If he's not going to do it I am and if my BD is there when this happens oh well...maybe SD will be so embarrassed she will do something. I'm ready to tell him that if she doesn't stop I don't want her here, period. That will go over well...NOT.
Island hell I very much
Island hell I very much empathize with your posts and am in a similar situation as well. I tried very hard with 2 skids. At the beginning, I felt extremely sorry for them as their BM was an emotionally troubled person and vascillated between outright neglect and over involvement. The 2 skids also had very poor personal hygiene and were incredibly disrespectful to adults and other children. After years of advocating therapy for them and trying to line up options, the combination of their poor behavior and also their father's unremitting denial has finally driven me out of the house. I could no loner live with having objects thrown at me and being treated with so much disrespect. I honestly tried very hard to help them personally and also get professional help. Although they were born with the genetics they had, parenting, permissiveness and other factors can turn them into monsters. I truly hope and pray they get the help they need and also sympathize with the struggles of all the step moms here. I am terrified for the future but finally made the decision to leave. That may not be the right answer for many but talking to their dad just got me nowhere. I am still hurting from it a lot. Good luck to everyone here who has similar struggles!!!
pfff disengage from the SD's
pfff disengage from the SD's , you are not responsible for them not are you responsible for the people they will become, stop cleaning after them, tell DH... sort this out, either you clean or you get them to clean, I'm not your maid.
SD's leaving shit all over the room and leave for BM"s - hon close their bedroom door..... not your room, not your kids and not your responsibility to clean after them, on the next visit they can stay in that mess again.
Stop doing their laundry then you will not see the dirty underwear... both SD's are old enough to do their own laundry, but why should they do it at your house any way if they stay with BM?
even if your DH is CP - still not your job to do their laundry, keep on disengaging, you do nothing for them and you buy them nothing, be proud of your own DD and boost her, she's the only child you have any responsibility towards..
16yo and 12yo is old enough
16yo and 12yo is old enough to be held accountable for decisions and chosen behaviors. I completely support your position. You raised yours, yours is successful, you do not need to tolerate the infestation of your DH's spawn in your home if they will not comply with reasonable standards of behavior and performance.
Skid behaviors aside... you do realize that the problem is not the kids and is entirely your DH's chosen methods for dealing with them when they are in your home .... right?
I think it is time to inform your DH that if he does not immediately step up, insist that his children behave appropriately in your home, and apply escalating consequences for failing to comply with reasonable standards of behavior that they will no longer be allowed in YOUR marital home. Yes, it is DH's home too but his abject failure as a parent is what is polluting the home and as an equitly life partner you have equal say in protecting your home from the pollution that his parental failure represents.
So, enjoy your life, hold DH and his children responsible, celebrate your parental success, take pride in your daughter's amazing life adventure, continue on your own, and demand that DH step up and take the journey with you or.... do what you have to do.
Good luck, take care of you.