BioMom thinks she is going to dump skids on me for a week which creates two big problems
Last night at dinner with SDs, DH, my daughter and me DH announces BM going to "work" (read take vacation to drink even more alcohol, do drugs and screw random men) a week in the north part of the state and so "the girls will have to be here for that time". WTF? At dinner with skids you just announce this? DH works out of town and is home 9:30pm Monday and returns to work 6am Wednesday. Rule is when he is out of town skids are with their mother. Why? Because they are nasty, dirty children who make even more of a mess for me and are self-entitled, selfish, spoiled brats.
DH hates conflict so I'm sure he thought if he announced it in front of everyone I would be the bad guy if I say no, not him. And/or he thinks this is ok. What this means for me if I were to say yes. I would have to clean up after them daily so my house doesn't fall apart, cook for them AND clean the dishes, drive them to hell and back and then pick them up from two different sports practices from 4:00 to 9:30pm every day. And, if I can't be in two places at once I would have to hire someone else to help me. If 16 year old skid wasn't so lazy she would have had her license at 16 rather than her permit the driving would be a non-issue. But that's not the case...
Ok, sidebar, DH is home and I am on porch when 12yo SD came out for the bus and for the umpteenth time I had to ask her to please close the door all the way because the AC is on....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
And the cherry on top of this is BM has effectively and purposely had emergencies on every birthday of DH, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day and our anniversaries for the 6.5 years we have been together. This year is our 5th anniversary and I knew we couldn't do it on the day so I called DH COO and asked if he would help me with an overnight surprise for DH giving him a day off and helping me with the ruse...it's a go and then this comes up? I already have this planned and guess what? It's the week BM decides to dump her kids on me...no asking...just a statement to DH. NOT THIS TIME YOU CONNIVING BITCH!!!
So, now I have to be the "bad guy" and tell DH this is BM's issue and she need to solve it as skids will only be here when he's here. This is going to SUCK! any advice please??????
What does the CO say about
What does the CO say about custody?
These are the only two people
These are the only two people on the planet who didn't make a parenting plan when they got divorced. So custody is BM has primary custody, the end. When DH was home we would have the skids 50% of the time. But according to DH we have to appease BM so she doesn't pull the visitation from DH.
Thank you! And I am not going
Thank you! And I am not going to change the anniversary surprise hat week either. His company has made this work for us.
My only response to DH would
My only response to DH would be "I assume you are taking time off work to take care of your children while they are here" Or
"That schedule will not work for me. I would appreciate it if you would discuss these matters with me prior to agreeing for ME to do something"
My DH wouldn't DARE expect me to watch the SS's while he is out of town for work. Watching them while he is at work during the day is one thing, but
not if he is going to be done all day and night. Nope...No way.
That's good. No matter what
That's good. No matter what he will get really angry and pout and be passive aggressive. TO which I can show him that the 12yo SD didn't even take the time to wash the dishes correctly last night and more than 1/2 now have dried food on them and are sticky. And the 16 yo SD spilled coke and something else on her carpet and refuses to clean it up AND left a chocolate bar wrapper and sweet tea in her bedroom AGAIN (I have a constant, expensive roach problem because of her and Disneyland Dad won't enforce anything!!!!!)
Be calm about it Hon....
Be calm about it Hon.... simply tell BM and DH - these are not my children, between the 2 off you sort visitation out, it's not my problem and I'm not the free nanny...
then keep your word
I LOVE that solution! That
I LOVE that solution! That puts it back on them without me having to be such a bitch. I don't talk to BM cause she is a total crack ho and completely insane.
This is totally unacceptable,
This is totally unacceptable, these are not YOUR children and you have no obligation to give up your life supervising them whenever your whimpy husband refuses to tell the ex NO.
According to the schedule outlined, the ex is highly manipulative and so is your husband to you.
No, no way would any woman with reasonable self respect agree to be treated like this.
OMG I LOVE THIS SITE SOOOO
OMG I LOVE THIS SITE SOOOO MUCH! I finally have people to listen to me and help me out!!
Thank you, I am. I am not
Thank you, I am. I am not getting divorced over skids that will be out of the house eventually.
Rule is when he is out of
Rule is when he is out of town skids are with their mother.
Stick to the rule and don't budge, it's non-negotiable.
I won't....you all have given
I won't....you all have given me the courage to stand my ground. THANK YOU!!!
TO which I can show him that
TO which I can show him that the 12yo SD didn't even take the time to wash the dishes correctly last night and more than 1/2 now have dried food on them and are sticky. And the 16 yo SD spilled coke and something else on her carpet and refuses to clean it up AND left a chocolate bar wrapper and sweet tea in her bedroom AGAIN
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
No no no. don’t do this. This will put him on the defensive as soon as you open your mouth. And he will tell you that he will talk to the skids and they will miraculously turn into angels that week they are with you. gag
This is what I would do. (what you should have done at dinner! Lol)….
YOU: So you know I can’t watch the kids while you are not here. Are you taking off that week? I assume so because it would be really rude if you just TOLD me in front of everyone that I was babysitting for you and BM…?
DH: Oh I am sorry… but I can’t take off work that week so I REALLY need you to do it.
YOU: No can do hun. I love you but I cannot do this at this time and I think it is wrong and that you tried to manipulate me into doing it. What are we eating for dinner tonight?
And just leave it at that. Ignore him if he pouts. Giggle if he gets passive aggressive. But try not to discuss it anymore with him. He will get over it and get the hint. Good luck. Sounds like he will give you a bit of a battle.
Yesterday morning, after he
Yesterday morning, after he had had a couple cups of coffee, I brought this up. I said, "The time BM will be gone is her parenting time. She is going to have to figure this out unless you are planning on taking the week off, which I'm sure you can't do" He said, so it's not ok if the skids stay here when she's gone?" I said, "No". And then miraculously he said, "Ok" and no pouting, no passive aggressive anything...I was blown away. Maybe we are making some progress!
good for you - see DH knows
good for you - see DH knows it's not your duty but when you keep quiet he assumes you are offering to look after the brats......
I have told him many times
I have told him many times before that he gives in to the wrong person. She is his ex-wife and I am his WIFE. I have had to remind him that if there is a situation where he is going to upset one of us, it better be her. And this hasn't sunk in for whatever reason. I know it is a lot easier to have a difference with me than her but that is absolutely no excuse. He needs to defend me, not her unless he wants me to be the ex-wife Andy he can be with her again....to which he always realizes Happy Wife, Happy Life.
Also...you said that you were
Also...you said that you were going to tell DH that this is BM issue and she will have to fix it. Don't say that either. lol
This is a DH issue. Leave BM out of it. It just muddies the water.
Don't make it about the kids'
Don't make it about the kids' behavior. Even if they were angels, it's not your responsibility and how he went about it was wrong. He didn't ask you, discuss it with you, just threw it at you and expects you to comply.
The whole reason I refuse to
The whole reason I refuse to have the skids here when he is not here is that they are nightmares and he knows it. I have told him repeatedly that if their actions start changing and are consistent over whatever time frame I deem long enough, I would be open to having them here a night to see how it goes. However, that will never happen as skids are too far gone.
To clarify...these skids are
To clarify...these skids are nightmares when he is here. And Greg have no intention of changing.
To clarify...these skids are
To clarify...these skids are nightmares when he is here. And Greg have no intention of changing.
They not Greg...sorry
They not Greg...sorry
Wow. We must have the same
Wow. We must have the same skids....and the same BM and DH...I didn't know he had another family, lol! BM has boyfriend 1/2 the country away which boggles both of our minds as she just uses him for money. And she screws anyone who will give her money, buy her drinks and/or buy her drugs...any kind...she is not picky. She is the stereotypical crack ho white trash trailer trash. And I don't mean cause she lives in a trailer...I know a lot of people who live in trailers and they aren't trailer trash, but she is. If her lips are moving she is lying. And she is insane from all of the years of drinking and drugging 24/7. You can tell her liver and kidneys are failing but she keeps living. She is 9 years younger than I am and I look younger than she! I have told him in the past that I have a crazy ex-husband to deal with and I AM NOT willing to add an ex-wife. His ex-wife, his problem, not mine.
Oh I KNOw he is at fault...I
Oh I KNOw he is at fault...I AM NOT giving him a free pass at all. But he is a doormat to her and I know he was really in the wrong. OH, and I forgot to post that not only is it our anniversary during this time but it would also be the last 3 days my daughter is here before going to Colorado for a winter ski patrol job before college. AND SHE KNOWS ALL OF THIS! So that's the conniving part for her.
Tell your husband at dinner
Tell your husband at dinner time that you are going to have extra work next week and will not be able to do anything around the house. Then spend the week ignoring him and the step children, doing no house work, no child care and going out to the movies, diner or reading books in the sanity of your room. When your husband asks you about it tell him that if he does not want a repeat of your week off the he needs to discuss changes to the skids schedule with you before agreeing to them with BM.
I appreciate the feedback.
I appreciate the feedback. However, I am not willing to have them period. I am not willing for them to trash my house and I WILL NOT be a prisoner in my own house. No way, no how. They just will not be here period.
I know this won't help you as
I know this won't help you as it's already said and done but . . .
When he announced at dinner that BM was working and the girls would have to be here, I would have just as casually as he dropped his bomb asked Oh and who is going to look after them?
When he says well I thought you would. You say, no sorry you know we have an agreement that if you aren't here they aren't here. Yes, say it in front of everyone. If you have boundaries everyone needs to know what they are. If the skids repeat it to BM and she thinks you are biotch, so be it.
You need to keep your boundaries and keep putting that ball back into his court. Yes, he's going to get angry and pissy and passive aggressive.
You just need to keep your mantra, If you aren't here, they aren't here. Over and over.
He'll figure something out, he'll be angry and you'll have to deal with that but hopefully you'll only have to deal with it once or twice.
The problem with giving in once is that it happens over and over and over again. The cycle never stops and you are dealing with an angry pissy man all the time.
It's like a two year old throwing a tantrum. They will do it as long as it works, they will be 14 or 40 and still crying and screaming to get what they want.
If you stop it right away you have a few tantrums and then it's done. If the tantrums work with other people they will try them on you intermittently but it won't be their go to action.
Oh, BM hates my ever living
Oh, BM hates my ever living guts and constantly bad mouths me to the skids...but I don't give a damn. And you're right! since I have constantly stood my ground on this, when I approached him yesterday morning there was no tantrum. Amazing. Maybe we are getting somewhere.
Good for you! It's so nice
Good for you!
It's so nice to hear that when someone actually stands their ground and keeps their boundaries it works!
Keep it up!
No kidding.
No kidding.
I think it is reasonable to
I think it is reasonable to DH and BM to make reasonable arrangements while the primary parent BM is out of town.
Of course dad is the first option.
He can take vacation time off. It will be GREAT one on one time with him and his children.
You mentioned YOU might be going out of town too that week, didn't you?
So of course dh should make sure his time is off before he lets BM know. She may need to make other arrangements. She is primary physical correct?
Dh may have to say no. And actually it is not his concern if he can not get off work. It would be different if they had 50 50 no child support. Maybe BM can hire a nanny dh portion of cs would cover that.
The operative word in your
The operative word in your reply was "treasonable". She is certifiable. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. He knows this. And I'm sure when I approached him yesterday morning he went "Oh CRAP" inside as he will have to tell her. It will be interesting as I would bet my house that he won't tell her until the last minute when she has no time to do anything. To which this may come up again. His job is such that he is on call 6 days a week, 24/7. That cannot be changed unless it is done WAY ahead of time. Later today I will call him and ask what she said. He will say he hasn't called her. I will then say in no uncertain terms that he ha to immediately so she can figure this out because we ARE NOT going to have a situation where he procrastinates and then this is a nuclear clusterfuck.
Sorry.. reasonable....
Sorry.. reasonable....
Island, I am in support of
Island, I am in support of divorced parents working stuff out. It is not the kids fault. Parents can do this successfully if they really want to.
I know this because I did it with my xh. My dh's ex...well that is a different story all together. Point is I did it with my x.
After your Bm's vacation is over, calmly re address your boundaries for your home. Kids starting as young as 2 are taught to 'clean up', you can also if needed to explain, revert back to school rules.
No running in house,(hallways or classrooms), no jumping on furniture (schools desks), put your trash IN the trash, be kind, no bullying excreta.
Everything about visitation is between DH and BM...if it is DH's time and he is not available bm and he must figure out his replacement OR he can decline that weekend or week.
Many non-custodials do not know that "visitation can be cancelled by non custodial. Custodial scare non custodial into saying YOU better get you kids it is your weekend. Actually they do not have to. BUT, custodial can not interfere on non custodial time and they must have a child/teen ready to go.
I have yet to see a step parent refuse to help out during an emergency situation. Yours is not an emergency by the way. I have seen custodians not sharing in the same standard.
The consensus appears to be that step parents feel used, abused and given zero respect or consideration YET they are expected to jump and save the day around many turns. When a step parents says NO, it is thrown in their face as being not committed to putting the kids first. Not true at all. But they twist it back to that for many if not most things.
Your not being ugly if you will not be used as a doormat.
Hopefully everything works out in a fair manner.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with being accertive about this issue with your DH and the BM. No need to escalate the situation. Just stick to your position that for the Skids to be in your home DH needs to be there.
End of discussion.