Playing both sides...
I'm new to this, so please bare with me. I have a SS13 and a SD13. I have always had a good, fulfilling relationship with my step-children. My SD13 and BM have a history of having huge arguments. During these arguments, usually things are said that aren't meant. During the most recent argument, my SD13 told her BM that she hated coming to our house because I spend money on myself. I was shattered.
I have always treated my step-children like my own. I have no children of my own. I think of the kids as my own, and treat them the same way. We have always been close. There has never been any kind of animosity between us. There is very little contact between DH and BM. We are rarely informed of anything related to the kids. In this case, BM did send DH a text explaining the situation and what was said. It absolutely floored both my DH and I, as well as BM. While I appreciate BM giving us a heads up, I'm left to wonder why we were even brought up in the fight, and why I became the target.
BM summed it up to SD13 being upset and saying anything she could to be hurtful. I'm baffled by this behavior. She has never acted like this at our house. She says hurtful, disrespectful things to her brother and her mother, but has never acted like that at our house.
I work two jobs, and rarely buy anything for myself. If I do, it is usually from Goodwill or garage sales. We buy things that the kids need, in addition to paying $700 in support each month. They don't want for anything really. I have mixed emotions on this all. A part of me is heartbroken at the prospect of my SS and SD not liking me, or having issues with me. Another part of me is so angry with SD13 for attempting to play us against one another and being so unappreciative of both sets of parents.
Do I sum this up to her being a teenager and lashing out over all of the changes she is beginning to feel, or should I be concerned?
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. I think that at the time of the post, I was upset and hurt at the same time. After taking a couple of days to cool off, I do think this situation is more of my SD being angry and BM over-dramatizing things. My DH and I both try to behave in a way that is positive for the kids to see and learn. This is just another hurdle we will overcome in the world of mixed families!
Honestly I would be
Honestly I would be suspicious of BM's summary of what was said and her motives for passing it on, particularly given that there is usually little contact between BM and your husband. You don't really know the context of the argument or whether BM interpreted SD correctly. In that situation it sounds like SD was simply trying to score points off her mother, and if she did mention you in any way you were probably just collateral damage rather than the target of an attack. If all seems amicable with SD then I would take that as an indicator of how things lie over testimony from BM. My husband's ex was rarely cooperative but liked to pass on the occasional negative titbit as though she was doing us a favour by enabling us to address it. But really it was just her way of trying to plant a seed of doubt about whether things were OK between us and the children, and assert herself as the parent with the inside track on how the children felt.
I was also suspicious of BM
I was also suspicious of BM motives. She is so hot and cold with the entire situation. Sometimes she is really good about being civil, working together to co-parent, and keeping us informed. Other times, not so much. It really depends on how things in her life are going for her. I do know my SD has an attitude and often lashes out at her BM. I think there is some resentment on the BM's behalf because SD doesn't act like that at our house.
You are being played by a
You are being played by a teenage girl. Do not fall for the drama. Honestly, nothing makes these kids happy...BTDT and have the damn t-shirt.
One of the main points I made
Even though I'm upset with my
Even though I'm upset with my SD, I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I plan on having a talk with her when she comes over this weekend. It is just so bizarre to me because BM says she acts one way at home, but at our house she never stops talking about her mom (all good of course). We check our SD's texts and the ones to her mom are all "I love you" and "I miss you." BM does have a history of playing the victim and that is more likely what is happening here. Thanks for your kind suggestions.
I haven't seen or talked to
I haven't seen or talked to her since this happened. We plan on sitting down with her this weekend and talking this out.
I am sitting here searching
I am sitting here searching for help, and it seems that we have the same issues. I have been married to me husband for 7 years, together 10. He was divorced and single when I met him. I have a sd12.5 and ss14.5.
SS told husband tonight that he and sister hate me. When asked why, ss answers were lies that his sister made up. He is his sisters protector. So whatever she says he believes.
I have worked my butt off to provide them opportunities and a welcoming home. And this is what I get in return.
We feel like sd is making up stories when she goes back to moms, because she wants to be on her moms good side. Bm loves conflict and is probably feeding off the daughters lies.
I want to yell at these kids and scream liar !!!! But hubs says we need to wait a day or so then approach it so the kids don't feel like they are being attacked,...
But what about me. They are attacking my character and lying to their mother about me. It's been 10 years!
I am so sad, mad, hurt, feel disrespected and played a fool.
Help! Advice
I feel your pain! I think
I feel your pain! I think your step-children are at the age where drama prevails. You have to remember, you don't really know the environment that they live in with BM, or what all she tells them, or says about you. What I tell myself is, it isn't the kids fault that they were put into the situation of a split family. I knew what I was getting into when I married my husband. There are also times that I feel like yelling at my step-children. I think all parents feel that way at some point, biological or not. You need to communicate with your husband how you feel. You can't really control what happens at BM's, but you can control the behavior at your home. It is not right for either of the kids to be disrespectful of you. I am truly blessed in this area. When all of this situation started with my SD, my husband was very supportive of my feelings. In situations like yours, you have to be careful not to make your husband think you are making him choose between you or his kids. If I were in your shoes, I think that I would have a sit down with you SS and SD, separately. I would convey that they are allowed to speak openly about what is going on. Ask them why they say they hate you. It might be something as easy as a miscommunication. I don't believe that kids of that age really grasp the concept of what hate is. They don't think before they talk, and often times in split families, they do play parents against one another to get what they want. It is unfortunate, but happens often. If you feel like you are a good step-mother, and your husband agrees, then that is all you can do. The kids will get older and eventually see the truth in the situation. You have been in those kids life for the majority of it. If this is the first time it has been brought up, chances are it does have to do with the environment of BM's. You and your husband need to have a united front. If there is no real reason for the kids to say these things, then you both need to make it clear that you are a family, and as a family you will work through these problems.
Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much!!