Financial Responsibility of a Step-parent
I am married and have 3 step-children. The two younger ones live with their mother and the oldest (from a different mother) lives with us. My problem is that I have been financially supporting our family for the past 10 years. My husband works but does not make enough money to pay for his children. I do not have any children of my own. Last week I told him that he needs to figure out a way to pay for his kids without my help. He's not happy because not only is their life going to change but so is his. I really don't think that I should be financially responsible any more. It has put a considerable strain on me and caused a lot of resentment toward the children and my husband. His ex-wife also refuses to work and lives soley on child-support.
Am I being a bitch? Am I justified? Please respond.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable. I would have never paid for them in the first place, so for you to have done this for 10 years is above and beyond what most people would do. They are HIS kids, his ex-wife and therefore his responsibility. You had no hand in bringing these children into the world and anything you choose to spend on them should be a gift and appreciated. Question, are they going to take care of you in your old age? I think you know what you need to do. Don't let you DH talk you out of it. Not only will he respect you more in the long run but you will respect yourself. Be strong.
Good luck
I can't imagine this is the
I can't imagine this is the first time this has come up in 10 years of you supporting him.
But if you're done, you're done. If you've reached your limit how can that make you a bitch? does your husband have any means to provide for himself and his family? An education, marketable skills? Because if he doesn't, perhaps he's going to need to do something so that he can be able to take this on. It won't happen overnight and it may never happen if he's become too comfortable in the role of being supported by you.
I love your signature!
I love your signature!
I think Blender's example
I think Blender's example contains great advice.
And, I understand how the financial toll can be very aggravating and contributes toward the frustratiuon and hostility you feel.
But why should any
But why should any step-parent be financially responsible for their partner's kids? Especially when their own BM couldn't be bothered to support them? My husband can't be bothered to even feed the dog because it's "my dog" but I'm supposed to hand over 1/3 of my salary to him and his kids? And be expected to co-sign student loans for college?
Of course there are other marital issues but I've just had enough and need to empower myself somewhat.
And yes, he has marketable skills but has been unemployed or underemployed for the majority of our relationship.
I don't normally tell someone
I don't normally tell someone to leave. But, you are being used. You have no children, why are you putting yourself through this. It sounds like he has a good thing in you, what do you have in him???
It is your money, stop giving it to him. We have all accounts separate and the more I read this site, the more grateful, I am that we did that.
Nail. Head.
Nail. Head.
I suppose my thinking is
I suppose my thinking is different in that when I married DH I went into the marriage knowing that my money would help pay for his children and his money would help pay for mine even though he had 3 and I had 1. For me, saying "I do" was for the whole package, kids and all, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.
I don't have any children and
I don't have any children and he has 3. And IF the money coming in was somewhat equal then, yes. And I have supported him in lean times. There is a whole story behind this decision and 10 years of me being taken advantage of financially.
You are not being a B. You
You are not being a B. You are not responsible for supporting HIS kids. That is the responsibility of the bio-parents. Your 10 years of contributions are amazing.
DH and I keep separate accounts for this very reason. We split the household expenses 50/50 since his kid doesn't live with us. But he is responsible for any expenses involving his child. Not that I don't assist from time to time, but he either pays me back or picks up the tab on a dinner or movie.
Since one of your skids lives with you that needs to be factored into the division of expenses. Good luck. I do understand this particular tough and frustrating situation.
His response this morning was
His response this morning was that "if I was making a million dollars a year this wouldn't be an issue." Yes. You are correct. The whole thing goes against my nature, clearly if I've been putting up with it for 10 years, but I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
Bah. If he doesn't get over it then so be it. Thanks everyone.
In my relationship with DH I
In my relationship with DH I have pitched in when he's needed help to cover child-support or the house payment. He has pitched in when I needed help with the cell bill or gas in my car, electric bill...whatever. We don't keep tabs on who pays how much. We each have bills we are generally responsible for, but we are both willing to pitch in where needed.
I can't imagine telling DH that while I'm out spending my leftovers he has to go without because he has kids. Not because I feel obligated to hand him my money, but because I wouldn't feel right knowing he's struggling with his money & I'm not. I like to do what I can to lighten his load, & he does the same for me. I guess we don't really have the "mine" & "his" money.
I know that this is where
I know that this is where I'll have a hard time. But pitching in and continuously covering for someone are different situations. I've given him the option of making up for it in some other way (ie: cleaning the house, making dinner...) but even though he said that was a fair compromise, how many times was the house cleaned or dinner made? Right. Zero.
What it boils down to is that 75% of the time I'm in a crap-tastic marriage that I've only stayed in to give the kids some sort of consistency. The real answer is to get the hell out. The other parts that I haven't shared are... my husband is an alcoholic, verbal abuser who has broken my things when he's angry. 50% of the time when the kids are over he is passed out hungover on the sofa. The house and everything in it is in my name and when I threaten divorce he says he can't wait to take half of my stuff. He can't get life insurance because he's committed himself after trying to commit suicide. He also has a past history of animal abuse and I am his fourth wife. Yeah. I made a terrible mistake.
And we're not crazy ass
And we're not crazy ass hillbillies. We both have our master's degrees and we live in an upscale town outside of Boston.
Oh, my! Get out! Let him
Oh, my! Get out! Let him keep half the stuff - it's cheaper than supporting him and his kids for the rest of your life and being misarable while doing it. If you divorce him, you might only be half as rich, but you'll be a million times happier, and have a hope of meeting someone deserving of you. Right now you have nothing!
So, it sounds like the money
So, it sounds like the money isn't really even one of the biggest issues with the rest of what's going on. The fact that you feel your marriage is "crap-tastic" 75% of the time makes that clear. Your husband being abusive is all the reason you need to get out of your marriage. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't let that be a reason to stay. Your husband is obviously a sick man with issues only he can resolve. If he were willing to help himself, I could see you being there to support him, but it doesn't sound like he's at a point where he's willing to do that.
He contributes 100% of his
He contributes 100% of his pay but his responsibility is 150% of his pay. My pay makes up the difference and I'm sick of it. And the fact that his ex-wife contributes nothing steams my chops.
Legally .... none as far as
Legally .... none as far as supporting the SKids.
Ethically, the same responsibility of any parent to support a child that is resident in their home.
For NCP Sparents, none at all. I would flip a kidney if one penny of my income contributed to even a minute benefit to the SpermIdiot or the SpermClan.
Fortunately we have always gotten a fee for raising the oldest of BioDad's 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by three different mothers. He is an expert at farming out the raising of his children to someone else. My wife and I raise our son (BioDad's oldest) the younger three are raised by SpermGrandM and SpermGrandMa in their home with no finalcial or physical help from BioDad. The SpermGrandParents pay the CS for my SS.
I have raised him (SS-18) as my own since he was 1yo and love him dearly but I have a significant issue with the $1000/mo income credit that BioDad has gotten in order to lower his CS due to my income. In the relative scheme of things this has only lowered CS by $50/mo but 1/10000000000000000000000000000000 of a penny is more benefit that I would want to provide to BioDad.
If he was on fire I would not donate the piss to put him out.
As for supporting my SS, my wife and I are partners in our marriage, we both work full time in professional careers, are equity parents to our son (my SS), and what's hers is hers and what's mine is hers.
In all seriousness our incomes are family income and we both benefit from each other's efforts financially, marritally, etc..... and we raise and support our son (my SS) as partners.
Best regards,
Best regards,
Oh my gosh - there is no way
Oh my gosh - there is no way in HELL I would pay for my DH's kids while the ex sat on her crackwhore ass and never contributed. In my case, the BM pays nothing towards her son that's left..he turns 18 next month. His needs are ALL met by my DH because he is his father. I EXPECT his mother to pick up the slack on all else..if she doesn't I will not run myself short to pay for anything. I help pay bills for my home - I'm not supporting her son as well. Part of being a parent is RESPONSIBILITY...have your DH learn that word as well as the loser BM.
I'm so sick of hearing of parents not taking care of their children then the step-parents getting so much bullshit thrown at them like they don't do enough. Fuck that shit. I AM a bitch when it comes to that mess and I don't care who knows it.
Honey, you need to take care of yourself..look at it like if his kids don't get paid for..who goes to jail? Not you..right? HE is fully responsible. So is she. Make them aware of it..LOUDLY.
My .02.
Amen. Last night was
Amen. Last night was particularly funny as he tried his pscho-babble BS on me. "It's not about the money..." and then two seconds later, "This is the role you've chosen in their lives. What else do you give them that doesn't cost money?" And I also need to see a shrink for my resentment. And this marriage is going to end in divorce. And these kids are from a broken home, they need love more than anyone. And the clincher, "How are you going to feel at Christmas when we're all sitting around opening presents and you don't have any?" HAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't get presents NOW! Ok, maybe a candle or two and my husband sure did pick out a nice set of $2 wood spoons for me one year... The change will be that there aren't any computers or North Face jackets or Uggs, cell phones, Ipods, video games... I'm not the one who will go into cardiac arrest over the lack of presents.
Did I ever say I didn't love them? No. If they only love me for what I can give them financially then I'm glad I'm doing this.
Hell yeah you are justified!
Hell yeah you are justified! I can't believe you have been doing it for 10 years, that is more than enough! You didn't have the kids, why should you have to take care of them? My boyfriend's daughter's mom is the same way, she doesn't work, just lives off welfare & the money she gets she doesn't even spend on the kid, she spends it on herself.